Answered a question 1/6/2010 at 10:20 pm
Karen,
I can feel your pain, frustration and impatience. All are justifiable emotions. There is one, however, that you can now stop bowing to. And that is guilt. No one can "make you" feel gu
...Read MoreKaren,
I can feel your pain, frustration and impatience. All are justifiable emotions. There is one, however, that you can now stop bowing to. And that is guilt. No one can "make you" feel guilty; you are doing that all by yourself. It is a wasted emotion. You are a wonderful daughter. Being wonderful does not mean being accessible 24/7. Have you ever listened to Dr. Joy Browne on the radio or internet? She has a wonderful saying, which goes something to the effect, you should not be surprised when you act like the welcome mat and someone is wiping their feet on you. Please don't take this as me trying to be mean or not understanding. But when we don't stand up for ourselves, even to our mothers, it just starts a spiral of our resentment and unhappiness. Do you really want to do this dance for years on end? Since you are starting your own business, I think when she calls (if it fits your situation) can't you tell her that you need to go on some business appointments? You can head her off at the pass when you speak with her and say, I am going to be busy running around and doing such an such so I won't be available for the next two days. How about I pick you up the following day at 4 pm, stay for supper, and then I'll have you home by (fill in the blank). You need to take control!!!! She is not going to stop demanding that you spend all sorts of time with her until you set the perameters and the rules! What about your children? Aren't they feeling a little bit resentful of grandmother? They are probably dreading for you to get old, fearful that you will act the same way she does. Stop listening to the sighs and wistful voice that your mother is using to manipulate you. She totally knows how to push your buttons. Yes, she may cry and get that pity party going for herself, but you just have to believe that eventually she is going to realize that she needs to play by your rules in order to get what she wants. It won't be easy to lay down the law with her at first, but try to detach yourself emotionally (this comes with practice), and stick to your script (whatever one you choose to use). Remember, you are a good person - you are entitled to have the life that you want, and that may mean not having your mom on your sofa on a daily basis. Try it! Go for it! You will be a lot happier once you do.