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Cricketinafp: Thank you so very much for your hug. It was ever so needed today. Having a very bad day healthwise myself, so your hug was so needed and appreciated. Sending Blessings right back at ...Read More

Cricketinafp: Thank you so very much for your hug. It was ever so needed today. Having a very bad day healthwise myself, so your hug was so needed and appreciated. Sending Blessings right back at you. I've read back and saw that your canine-baby wasn't feeling well. So glad Sadie is on the mend. Thank you again. Have a wonderful, blessed day. Ella

Have you ever heard the one - "If you want to make God laugh, let him see your plan." I know that I was put on this earth for a purpose. If this is what it is, then so be it. I love the woman that I am.
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Have you ever heard the one - "If you want to make God laugh, let him see your plan." I know that I was put on this earth for a purpose. If this is what it is, then so be it. I love the woman that I am.

Cleaning up for the day... Almost time to start job #2 (ha ha ha)... Hang in there everyone. We'll all be here tomorrow - God willing :)

Any trauma to the elderly will make them more confused, agitated and combative. Sometimes the simple things are those that work the best. As suggested by others in this post, discuss with her physic ...Read More

Any trauma to the elderly will make them more confused, agitated and combative. Sometimes the simple things are those that work the best. As suggested by others in this post, discuss with her physician her current medications and any dietary supplements that you might be giving her. I just recently learned that the Vitamin B supplement I was giving my parent (while helping with increased focus and energy) also aids in constipation. We just went through this and so before changing any medication or adding anything, check first with Mom's doctor. I, like you have my elderly parent with me. I can hear him going to the bathroom 3-4 times a day. It is only when I hear something out of the ordinary (like maybe the shower beginning to run or occasionally the confusion will be that days and nights are confused and so I find my parent dressed downstairs ready to face the day when it is actually 2:00 or 3:00 am. Tired myself, I calmly tell them that it is not the daytime but night and it is time for sleep. I like the idea of something on the ceiling. Lying in the dark for the elderly is I'm sure not the same for those of us whose life has been a bussle of activity all day. They dwell and fixate on the smallest of things, and therefore it keeps them awake. I know your mom is in her 90's and with all due respect to the expert, I agree with you that you nor mom is ready for her to move out "just yet". Try some things like a warm bath before bedtime, or maybe just sit at the edge of her bed pampering her for a few minutes talking about your day (or hers) while rubbing lotion on her arms and legs, or a nice massage. I know we all need pampered once in a while. The point I am trying to make is to try to remove all distractions from her. The bedtime routine (even for a young child) is not one that is like ours. Remember, we have been busy all day with our minds going in all different directions. The elderly only have time for what used to be. Even doing the needlepoint or crocheting you mentioned - while relaxing, it still allows her mind to think about all kinds of things that you may not even be thinking she's thinking about. The goal is to get her mind free from all of the other interruptions of the day. I know if I spend even just 15 minutes before bedtime just talking about my day (and Dad's), it allows for a better night sleep for us both. During those moments of frustration for yourself, allow yourself a few moments alone before you jump right in. Breathe in deeply and exhale the same. Don't ever begin to judge yourself too harshly. Leave that up to our God :) You are doing a wonderful thing taking care of your mother. It is not easy. All of us on this site know that!! I will send positive thoughts your way and keep in you in my prayers. Let us know how things are going. Stay well.

It is very sad when you try to make someone aware of a potential problem and that is the response that you get. My family (and I use that term loosely), has pretty much excluded me from everything f ...Read More

It is very sad when you try to make someone aware of a potential problem and that is the response that you get. My family (and I use that term loosely), has pretty much excluded me from everything family related, which at this point in my life is okay. Dad still lives with me and they do everything in their power to make me crazy. I have learned however that people can only do the things they do "to" you if you allow them. I no longer allow my family disfunction to identify who I am. I still love them and I always will. In the instance of my father and anything related I know that I am doing the best I can for him. Their opinions of me are no longer welcome into my life. Madge1, you have informed your brother of your concerns. That is all that you were trying to do in the first place. Congratulate yourself on being a grown up. Letting go of past, present and future hurts are all part of who we become as we mature. You, my friend have made it to the other side. Welcome, and bravo!!!

First off, to banksia, good for you. I don't believe anyone is type casting any one age group here, and if you are able to handle your financial affairs without any problems, then that is great. You ...Read More

First off, to banksia, good for you. I don't believe anyone is type casting any one age group here, and if you are able to handle your financial affairs without any problems, then that is great. You are in the minority. My Dad is 87 and I do all of his banking. I am on his account (as well as one other sibling). If it were up to Dad, he would walk around with hundreds of $$'s in his pocket. Also, as Nataly1 stated some banks have been pressured to increase their productivity and it doesn't matter that the person signing isn't certain if they need what they are selling or not. I don't believe your brother is being 'abnormal' in his concern. In fact, too many parents go without any help until it is too late. I agree with talking to the bank manager. I have a great relationship with the personnel at the bank, and if Dad comes in with a check to be cashed, (since I am his POA), I have them contact me immediately. This goes with any other type of financial transaction as well. He has a nice little nest egg and sometimes the elderly are taken advantage of if the bank knows that they can get away with it. I think it is an excellent idea to have someone either go with your dad or contact him when he goes himself. If it is a neighborhood branch, they will be more than happy to work with you. I always make sure that Dad feels as independent as possible, but I will not allow him to be taken advantage of. It is quite a balancing act, but it works for us. Good luck to all of you seniors who require assistance and to the caregiver who sometimes has to step in to make things right again. Blessings to you all.

There are many home remedies that can reduce a fever. Try a nice sponge bath with a little rubbing alcohol in the water. The water should be tepid (not cold). Especially applying compresses to her ...Read More

There are many home remedies that can reduce a fever. Try a nice sponge bath with a little rubbing alcohol in the water. The water should be tepid (not cold). Especially applying compresses to her pulse points. Minding our Elders (above) has stated that these things do begin to occur at the end of life. I'm not a doctor but unfortunately have seen many people leave their earthly bodies. Fevers are not uncommon, but since you are so attentive to mom try the cool compresses. My Mom used to do this with all of her babies when we had a fever. It worked every time. Sending good thoughts and blessings your way yellowfeever

First, my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your mom. May God's blessings continue to keep you strong in your faith as well as your resolve.
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First, my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your mom. May God's blessings continue to keep you strong in your faith as well as your resolve.

I, like you, had some misgivings and concerns about this person coming back at me for retribution. I brought this to the attention of the police and was advised to have an order of loitering (I believe this is what they called it) placed against her. Since she does not live in the area of my home, she should have no business being in the vicinity. She was given and had to sign an order stating that she would not harrass or bother us in any way. I have to admit, the authorities in my area were very helpful and were just as outraged that this person did what she had done. As a result, I believe that during their interviewing and investigation they really put the fear of God into her. It's been 4 months and I have put the incident behind me. I strongly recommend any person contemplating having a caregiver come into your home to please do some background checks on your own as well as that of the agency. The agency that I employed had a flawless record and they repeatedly asked that I not go to the authorities or to put something negative on their website. I did not follow their requests. In fact, shortly after this incident occurred, I stopped using them altogether. You have much on your plate and so for now perhaps you might need to put this on the back burner. Please do not dismiss it entirely. You might just have uncovered a problem that this woman had and who knows how many other unsuspecting elders could have been hurt by what she did. Sending you blessings...

I, too, hired a well known, very reputable caregiving agency. Unfortunately, this past spring, it was discovered that the caregiver who had been in our home (my father has lived with myself and my hu ...Read More

I, too, hired a well known, very reputable caregiving agency. Unfortunately, this past spring, it was discovered that the caregiver who had been in our home (my father has lived with myself and my husband for 3 years now) had stolen money from his room. It was not a large amount $300. I keep very accurate records and know exactly the amount of money that is in the house at all times. When the money was discovered missing, I immediately called the agency. The owner of the agency phoned me back and told me that this had happened with this caregiver once before but there was not proof to do anything. At first I was extremely upset at the agency for not telling me about the caregiver's prior history, but I decided that I wasn't going to let it go. The amount of money was of no significant value. My father is 87 years old. He has dementia and cannot be left alone while we are at work. I was outraged that this person that I trusted in my home took advantage of my father and my husband and I. I immediately phoned the police and filed a report. I also had the agency reimburse me the missing money. I did not have proof, however, with my documentation it was highly doubtful that anyone other than "this" specific caregiver could have been the culprit. In talking with the police, I said that I would drop all criminal charges only if she "the caregiver" put in writing that she committed this crime. In addition, I had her name added to the list of offenders of elder abuse, so that when future employers do a background check, she is found to have been involved in an incident. While it does not always give specific information, it should raise concerns with a future agency. It was not my intent to have this woman be imprisoned, and I am a most reasonable and compassionate person. Unfortunately, the number of elders in our country has increased considerably in the past decade and will continue to do so. Paid caregivers and agencies allow family members the ability to earn a living while still caring for their aging parent. If this caregiver had told me she needed money or she was in financial trouble, believe me I would have helped her in a minute - but to steal from my father - that was the limit for me.

Caregivers are trusted in your home with the things that you value most. Your loved one, your home, your property, your pets - everything. To misuse this trust is a shame, and what's more important - a crime! Please do not allow your mom to be taken advantage of. My father was upset with me because after I found out about the missing money, I had her suspended from her position until the final disposition of the theft. Our parents are very vulnerable and trusting. Isn't it enough that their bodies begin to fail them - or their minds... They place their trust in us to help them make good decisions. Please don't fail her too... While I'm sure this person is very sorry for what they "got caught" at doing, restitution is only one form of her giving back. What she did was a crime. Just because you know the offender doesn't make the crime just as awful. In fact, in my opinion it makes it worse. Call the police and definately report this to whatever agency she came from. They usually have to have them bonded and they may be able to help your mom recover some of her money. Good luck and blessing to you.

There are a few things that you can do, but before you do anything on your own, you should check with your mom's doctor to ensure that there isn't a problem doing any of these things.
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There are a few things that you can do, but before you do anything on your own, you should check with your mom's doctor to ensure that there isn't a problem doing any of these things.

1) You can administer the prescriptions right before bedtime or common times when your mom might take a nap (if taking the scripts 2x daily). This way, the drowsiness doesn't interfere with normal activities.

2) You can give your mom vitamin B12 which boost energy levels. Check with the doctor first since many vitamins work differently with prescription drugs and patients. (Vitamin B12 especially could interfere with any heart related prescription/illness.

3) Have your mom eat several small meals or snacks throughout the day rather than 3 regular meals. This keeps a person's metabolism going and the body processes the food all day long rather than just having a heavy meal. A snack can be a piece of fruit or toast and juice. Usually, something a little sweet will also keep the energy level going.

4) Finally, keep your mom active. Resting, or watching television all day will not keep the mind active. Have your mom read a book, do crossword puzzles, word searches, etc... Exercising the mind keeps the mind focused and healthy as well as keeping you active (and therefore, less sleepy).

Note: Other vitamins that are being reported as getting good responses from Alzheimer's/Dementia patients are: Folic Acid, Vitamin E, and Vitamin B3 as well as the B12 mentioned earlier. But always check with your/the patient's physician before administering vitamins with prescription medication.

and Good Luck with your Mom!

How well I understand. I know for me (since I was the one left holding the keys, as it were), I just kept telling my Dad that things would be okay. He was so very angry when the keys were first take ...Read More

How well I understand. I know for me (since I was the one left holding the keys, as it were), I just kept telling my Dad that things would be okay. He was so very angry when the keys were first taken, and then his car, but after driving with him and one incident where he used a crowbar to open the door because he thought the door was iced over (when in fact it was just locked), he was angry and frustrated that he had to wait until someone would be able to bring him anywhere. I just stayed firm in my decision that he should not drive. I knew that his feelings were hurt and that he was angry that there were many poor drivers out there (of any age), but after months of sticking to my guns, he soon realized that I wasn't going to give in and allow him to drive. Now, as long as he knows that I am willing and happy to drive him anywhere he wants to go (I never tell him no!) he is much more relaxed. I think initially, he was concerned that he would never leave the house and that he would be "stuck" having to ask someone to drive him somewhere. I talked to him about when I had to wait for him or to ask him (when I was unable to drive). He soon understood and I think now, he forgets that he used to drive ;) or maybe he just likes having a driver ;) For me, it became impossible to feel comfortable, and as I said I'd rather have the conversation repeatedly with him, rather than not having the conversation and risk injuring himself or god forbid someone else. I'd never forgive myself. Talk with your dad and let him know that all you want is for him to be safe and happy, and that it gives you some time for the two of you to be together without him having to worry about driving. You'll see, in time, it will all work out well. My thoughts are with you and your dad. I'd never trade the relationship I have now with my dad. All he wants me to do is to be honest with him - even though sometimes he does not get his way. I have promised him that no matter what (even on those bad days), that I will never lie to him. I love and respect him too much for that. I think he appreciates everything myself and my husband have done and will continue to do. Good Luck! and thanks so much for the hug. Even when you have a good day, its comforting to know that you are not alone in this struggle. I always remember that its not my dad's fault nor does he want it to be like this. Blessings to you and yours.

Let us not lose sight of the original question, which was "My husband has dementia and is very insecure behind the wheel, so his psy wrote the DMV and asked them to test his driving skills. They pass ...Read More

Let us not lose sight of the original question, which was "My husband has dementia and is very insecure behind the wheel, so his psy wrote the DMV and asked them to test his driving skills. They passed him, what do I do now." Just being insecure behind the wheel is enough for me. He should not be driving. It is unsafe for himself and others! While is is difficult, being responsible is more important than hurting the feelings of someone who should not be driving. As I mentioned in my earlier post. Being in the car with my dad was frightening. He would make unsafe turns, not use his turn signals, pull out in front of other cars, drive too slowly, not come to complete stops, etc... While there are many drivers who do not have dementia that suffer from poor driving skills, for our family, I felt better taking the keys away from my father. Yes, he was angry! Very angry! We "used" his cataracts as a starting point. From there, it just progressed to the point where he was no longer driving. He was living on his own and it became difficult when he needed to run an errand or go to the doctor. But, that just comes with the territory. It is not an excuse saying "because the DMV passed him and gave him a license, meant that he was capable behind the wheel." Responsibility is key! The news article is eye-opening. I would absolutely never be able to live with myself if I knew that my father was driving and should not have been and an accident such as this occurred. The guilt would overcome me. We, as caregivers or family members need to take responsibility. Driving is a priviledge - not a right. Taking responsibility means that we take over the driving and running errands and such. Yes, it is sometimes becomes inconvenient. But I would much rather be inconvenienced than putting my father (and others) lives in jeopardy. The police, the DMV or anyone else is not responsible for monitoring elderly drivers. Trust me, my dad talked of nothing else for the first 6 months after his car was disposed of. That is all any of us heard. "I don't drink and drive, I don't do drugs, I never even got a ticket.!" Well, I explained it over and over again. After a while, Dad just became resigned to the fact that we were not going to let him behind the wheel. You need to balance allowing an elderly (dementia/alzheimer's) person a certain amount of independence without risking or endangering them (or others) to danger. As a caregiver, or a family member, you need to take responsibility before an accident occurs, or dad gets lost, etc... That means that you have to do the errands or bring them along. Yes, it sometimes is inconvenient. For me, I'd rather be inconvenienced than apologetic to a family member that was killed as a result of my dad's insecurity.

We had this same situation. Doctor's are not the one's who will be held responsible in the event of an accident. Our family made the decision to have my dad stop driving because it was become proble ...Read More

We had this same situation. Doctor's are not the one's who will be held responsible in the event of an accident. Our family made the decision to have my dad stop driving because it was become problematic. No, there weren't any incidents or accidents. It was frightening to be with him in the car. He wasn't able to focus or pay attention (even for a short drive). Of course, it was difficult, but once we junked his car and told him that the doctor said.... he gradually became accepting of it. If anyone has even the slightest bit of hesitancy in letting their elderly parent drive, then take the keys. I can tell you that it isn't easy because now that independence is gone and someone will have to pick up the responsibility. Patience is key. Just think for a moment if you were no longer able to drive. It's difficult. You need to put safety in front of pride. I knew for me, I'd rather take on the extra responsibility of bringing dad whereever he wants to go rather than think about him crashing his car and getting seriously injured, or more importantly hurting someone else. I could never have lived with myself if that had happened. Again, roles reverse. I'd rather my dad be upset with me (which did occur for the first 6 months after we took the keys) than injure himself or an innocent person on the road. Also, just something else to think about. If you do nothing and knowingly are aware of the problems when your loved one is driving and an accident happens, the injured party can sue you and your father as well as the doctor who said that your parent was permitted to drive. The DMV should crack down on older drivers and anyone who is not driving safely (but that's another topic altogether). It is inconvenient, but necessary.

Thanks so much. This is a wonderful way to vent.

No, that it not what Carol Bursack is saying - but I won't debate that. While it is admirable that others take the challenge on without assistance from other family members, it must also be remembere ...Read More

No, that it not what Carol Bursack is saying - but I won't debate that. While it is admirable that others take the challenge on without assistance from other family members, it must also be remembered from out-of-towners or even those who live close but choose not to get involved. It makes life extremely difficult for those of us who are involved when only sporatically does someone else want/choose that involvement. If you leave another sibling "in charge" or you only want to get involved when you have the opportunity, then you need to "respect" the decisions being made by the primary caregiver. That person doesn't have a choice. The daily responsibilities are theirs 24/7. So, I'm not at all complaining about my role. I am delighted with my father's care. I have an open and honest relationship with his health care providers and am happy to listen to others opinions and suggestions. But I refuse to turn my life around to suit other's needs only when they choose to get involved or when they decide its time to go for a visit. That does not make me a martyr. That makes me human. I am an adult and I deserve to be treated like one especially when in my own home. This began as a discussion about others living out of town. I feel like I have to defend myself even here. Keep in mind, my father did not choose to care for just some of his children, some of the time. He made a commitment to raise each child. I am sorry for him that his adult children do not share that philosophy, but I can do nothing to change it. I will however, expect respect from my other siblings regardless whether it be about my dad's care or anything else. As an adult, I deserve that respect. Respect and martyrism are not synonysms.

Jana ~ You need to be really careful when cancelling the secondary health care insurance. As others have posted here, once medicare has paid their portion, any balance not paid by medicare would be t ...Read More

Jana ~ You need to be really careful when cancelling the secondary health care insurance. As others have posted here, once medicare has paid their portion, any balance not paid by medicare would be the responsibility of your parents. It is the not knowing that is the key. Of course, we would all like that crystal ball. Contact the secondary insurance carrier to see if there is a less expensive plan your parents can enroll in. Many times there is. Talk with a knowlegable representative from the carrier. If you need to go to a supervisor. Sometimes the representative that answers the phone is on a time restraint and won't give you much time. Tell whomever you talk to the problem that you are facing. The coverage your parents have may have options available to it. Also, talk with the employer your parents worked for. They, too may have health coverage that your parents (as retirees (yes, even disabled retirees) would be able to get in to. Also, talk with the department of aging in your area. There is a terrific publication that is available to everyone that answers all types of questions with regard to health insurance and other funds that can reduce payments (including reductions in heating/electricity etc...) It too, is available through the department of aging. Finally, if eligible you can go through the Veteran's Administration (if either of your parents are/were a veteran). They too can be very helpful. It is cumbersome work and takes alot of patience to navigate through all of the phone calls (transfer/dropped calls etc), but stay diligent without getting frustrated and angry. People do want to help. They just always aren't sure where to get started or what department to send you to. You will need to get permission from your parents to talk with many of these agencies (due to HIPAA). Again, there is a form that you can download and fax or mail to these agencies that will allow them to release information to you. Sometimes, many of these agencies will just need your parents authorization over the phone. I know its alot to digest, but cancelling the secondary insurance truthfully just place your parents and ultimately you in a financial burden later on down the line. Good luck!

Yep, I agree. I cannot help that my father now feels completely comfortable with me and not at all comfortable with his other children. I did not want it this way and regardless whether anyone think ...Read More

Yep, I agree. I cannot help that my father now feels completely comfortable with me and not at all comfortable with his other children. I did not want it this way and regardless whether anyone thinks I'm erecting my own statue in my honor - I'm not. I take this responsibility very seriously, but will not subject my father (altzheimers/dementia/or just plain "old") to criticism or lack of patience. As I said, one family member literally threw him out of the house. Okay, said and done... let's move on. Okay, how do we do this? I don't expect everyone to do things "my way", but the barrage of questions/comments are intrusive to me and offensive. This is my home, and I have elected to have my father live with me, not all of my other siblings. I am trying to stay objective because yes, of course, they love him. I know that - what's more he know's that. Typically, and this is what is going on in our family, there is more going on than what anyone wants to admit. Guilt/power/resentment/etc... Family dynamics change so much when we get older. We are all adults which puts us all on the same rung of the ladder. The older one's still view the younger siblings as "the babies", even though we have overcome obstacles and challenges in our own lives. It never changes. Well, I didn't get to choose my birth order, or theirs. I'm only trying to live my life and at present it includes my dad. His needs over shadow mine in every sense of the word. But it is two-way street. Those that live away or choose not to become involved cannot come in at the 11th hour and give their opinion(s). Where have you been? There needs to be 100% respect and support given to the primary caregiver. If not, then as the other children, you take Mom/Dad in - uproot your own life, change your relationship with your spouse - expect your job/boss to understand when something happens... Take all of it. I don't want a medal. I want respect!

Dear Moonbeam ~ It is hard - very hard. Nobody except the one who is there knows how hard... That being said, try this. Your mom has already been through your shoes - you have never stepped in hers ...Read More

Dear Moonbeam ~ It is hard - very hard. Nobody except the one who is there knows how hard... That being said, try this. Your mom has already been through your shoes - you have never stepped in hers. I know that is alot, but sometimes when we try to remember things from our elderly parents point of view it makes it easier. I try to think about when my Dad (now 86) was trying to teach me something and he would try very hard not to lose his patience (like driving a car ;) Sometimes you need to walk away for a few seconds, or change the subject, or find something funny to make yourself and your mom laugh. My dad is nearly deaf (and refuses to wear his hearing aids). I find myself constantly repeating myself or yelling so that he can hear me. What I have learned to do is to reduce the loudness in my voice - I will touch my dad to get his attention and then if he didn't understand me or hear me (sometimes there is no difference here) I will say it in a different way. Don't go down that road... when they are not here.... and how you will put yourself through guilt. You don't need that and she doesn't deserve or want your pity. She wants your love and respect. Above all else, remember that. Our parents may be older now, but they still deserve our respect. Talk to your mom like you would a stranger. Be kind. Be deliberate when talking with her. Talk slow or touch her to get her attention. and be patient with yourself as well. Good luck!

I cannot tell you how offended I was by this article. I am the caregiver for my father, but it wasn't always this way. My father was living with another family member who literally threw him out of ...Read More

I cannot tell you how offended I was by this article. I am the caregiver for my father, but it wasn't always this way. My father was living with another family member who literally threw him out of the house. I was neatly accepted to pick up the ball from that point on. Other family members first stood on one side then the other. At present, there is so much dissention in the family that I don't think it will ever be whole. I suppose you could say there is resentment on both sides. It has gotten extremely terrible. I never wanted this and never asked for it. It was put upon me and yes, now I am protective of the role that I play in my father's life, but to say that I am a martyr is offensive to me. Unless you know the entire dynamics of the family, I find it better to stop pointing fingers since when doing so you only point one back at yourself. I will never do a good enough job in my siblings eyes, but after 12 months of my father living with myself and my husband, I am protective of him and trying to maintain a life that I used to have without interference from the rest of my family. If that sounds like a martyr, then I will wear the label proudly. Until you have been through all of it, you cannot make the comment or put it in print. Be very careful when putting these articles together. We as caregivers are looking for help and support, not name calling. Thank you.