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After reading the above posts---I looked up about Sundowners Syndrome. My mother has dementia problems---and many do seem a little worse at night---but not only at night. I went to the following site ...Read More

After reading the above posts---I looked up about Sundowners Syndrome. My mother has dementia problems---and many do seem a little worse at night---but not only at night. I went to the following site and read what others had posted and then posted a blurb about a book that I have recently read---that you may or may not find helpful with your loved one with any of these elderly disturbances. I was able to pray differently for my mother after reading it and did see a difference in her terrible negativity and accusations and unhappiness. cnichols

I have had a battle with my mother about oxygen---since she found out she had emphysema in 02. Not believing in Drs.---I bought her an oxonometer (SP) so she can check her levels at home. When she doe ...Read More

I have had a battle with my mother about oxygen---since she found out she had emphysema in 02. Not believing in Drs.---I bought her an oxonometer (SP) so she can check her levels at home. When she does remember to do so----her levels do seem to be just above 90--maybe up to 94. A couple of readings recently have been 89. I'm told they recommend oxygen once it is below 90. My mother has seen a few friends die and because they were on oxygen non-stop during their last remaining months---she thinks that is what they died from!!! I do need to remind her to check it again as her confusion and memory seem to be worse.
I do have a praise though! She has finally allowed me to contact some care facilities to get her some help at home. We have had to put her on a list---that may take 4 or 5 months to get the Goold assessment for financial aid---but through Cathloic Charity---will be having them give a couple of hours every other week--paying the full price for now. (Their assessment is this Friday) But---she was sooooo negative and adamant about not getting ANY help--that this is very refreshing to have her be in agreement---as she does need the help---(she sometimes goes without groceries, etc)! Thank you to those who have prayed. I will feel much better just having someone else to help her out and be able to contact me---if they see additional concerns. Also---once we get the Goold assessment---we may be able to get a little nursing help too. It's a start for future needs. Blessings to you all!

I really appreciate all of your sharing and comments. It does help to know that others are dealing with some of the same issues---and frustration and pain. I also appreciate the comment about the "too ...Read More

I really appreciate all of your sharing and comments. It does help to know that others are dealing with some of the same issues---and frustration and pain. I also appreciate the comment about the "toothfairy" movie----which reminds me to try to keep a smile on and find humor where I can. -----My mother has been SOOOOO adamant about not seeing any Dr! She says God is her healer---and she is so negative about Drs. (she is actually negative about everything!) In 2002---she almost died before we all realized how sick she was with an obstructed bowel. Finally the ambulance was called and she was too sick to fight them. I flew back the next day (across the country and then a drive for 3 hours) and when I got there---the Dr. said "I hope you are not like your Mom! I have never met a more stubborn woman in all my life!" She would not let them touch her until I got there! (Those were the days when she still trusted me and counted on me and would do whatever I suggested!) She did end up having complications---but pulled through---but things really started to go downhill after that with our relationship. It seemed to come on in spurts over the next few years---but she would call me and start in with these terrible accusations and had forgotten the actual incidents and events surrounding it. She has emphysema --but doesn't require oxygen. She doesn't have much feeling in her feet and fingers---so I'm afraid she may have artery clogging (She smoked up until the 02 surgery). She may have even had some mini strokes. I have read some articles---and have wondered about vascular dementia. But---I really don't think I will ever get her to a Dr. without an emergency. We had a terrible ordeal when she had to see an eye Dr. in order to keep her drivers license. So---I'm getting off the subject---but wanted to say she would never agree to get a medical evaluation at this point. She is able to get dressed and do minimal housework and keeps herself clean, etc. She has done much of her own grocery shopping---but has stairs to climb and has a very difficult time with it all. She has also been able to get out about once a week to play Beano. (We are concerned with her driving especially at night!)--- She has gotten worse and in the past 4 or 5 weeks has had a hip giving her trouble walking. She has found some friends to help with groceries --but they are not always dependable. So---she finally did say I could call Maine Care. I have found out that they will only help (financially) if she needs nursing care in home. At this point, she is saying yes to grocery help and lite housework. (This is actually amazing---- finally!). So we have called a Catholic Charity agency that was recommended to help us get the correct help. We are waiting to make contact ---hopefully tomorrow. This is certainly a start and I hope and pray that it works out. So---I am learning to certainly let many things that she says--- slide---and just agree and change the subject quickly. I do really feel sad that she thinks my husband and I have mistreated her so badly---when it is the furthest from the truth. I would love to help make her last years as pleasant as possible. She just isn't allowing me. But---I do call her daily and help with whatever I can---and I guess will just have to take it day by day. I guess these past few years have been causing me to slowly let go.--- She does have a Goold Assessment Agency nearby. I wonder if they will have to be called before the Catholic Agency can help? I'm new at this and am not sure how it all works---but guess I will start finding out more tomorrow. I agree dementia is a horrible disease. Oh, my Mom did just tell me that she saw someone on TV who was talking about dementia and gave a few tests one could do to access themselves. One was being able to count backwards from 50 to 1. She said she was able to do all of the tests---so was glad she actually didn't have dementia! I just kept quiet and wondered then "what in the world was causing all the problems". I guess it is all quite complicated and I may never quite know-----unless she is forced into a nursing home where she will get some medical attention. I just wish she were not so sad, lonely and ready to die. Thanks again---for all of the comments and heart shared information and suggestions. I'm sure I will review them from time to time for encouragement. I will also let you know how the Catholic Charity organization is able to direct us. Has anyone seen their loved one go past this state of anger and accusations----into a milder temperament? I'm hoping perhaps that may happen. Blessings to you all.

Thanks for your concern, prayers and comments. I do have a question to ask why you might think this is ahlzeimers rather than another kind of dementia. Not that it really matters......It is still hear ...Read More

Thanks for your concern, prayers and comments. I do have a question to ask why you might think this is ahlzeimers rather than another kind of dementia. Not that it really matters......It is still heartbreaking. But maybe I could have a better grip on knowing what to expect.---- So----interesting you should mention getting home help. I have been suggesting this for a few years and in 08---made the initial contact---that she could then follow up on. She has been so irrational and adamant about this and has come up with every excuse why she would never call them---(yet complaining constantly about not being able to do things). Meanwhile---she is having such difficulties---particularly getting her groceries! She has been able to hire a couple of friends to help out here and there---but they haven't been very dependable. But, good news, just 2 or 3 days ago---she finally said she would contact one of the Care programs they have in her state! And she has confirmed it twice since then, so tomorrow I will help walk her through the phone call. (This is soooo difficult being 3000 miles away!) But---I am so thankful for this. She has been so difficult---that I wouldn't be surprised if she changes her mind----or maybe doesn't remember. I have been noticing lately that her memory is getting much worse. There is an issue with my brother that she and I have talked about probably 30 times in the past few years---and last week as we talked about it again---she said "no, I don't remember anything about that." She is also starting to tell me the same thing (a comment someone made)--- 4 or 5 times in the same conversation. She is also trying to give away almost anything she can get her hands on. We visited her in August and really had a good visit. Within a few weeks---she began accusing us (my husband and I) of things again that we even did this time????---and we were back to being bad people. She does still remember and believe all of the previous issues I have talked about here---such as taking her house from her (she had asked us for years to put it in our name ---which we finally did and gave her life lease and advanced her money for several things---which would someday be returned at the sale of the house) Anything left over would be divided equally between my one brother and myself---which was her wish. The accusations are "way out there" and make no sense! There are many accusations---that she believes are true---no matter how many times I have tried to explain them all logically! And she feels so hurt that we would do these things to her!!! Very frustrating!.......Some funny things she accused us of this last time was that we left boxes of shoes in her bedroom without telling her---and that she doesn't want and that are not hers! And that we filled her spare bedroom drawers with pillows, sheets, etc. things she has NEVER seen before and doesn't know what to do with. She will say "why did you do that?" And again---with all my explanations---as to why we wouldn't do that ---she just doesn't believe me. Does this sound like ahlzeimers too???
So---yes, we are taking this one day at a time and will be so glad to get her on her state care system to get her help at home---and hopefully have her set up for future needs. I would bring my Mom out here in an instant----but she just will not hear of it. Even though she complains of being so lonely, I tell her her 5 grandchildren and 10 great grandchildren would all be close by for her to see all the time---if she were out here, and of course---I would be right here to help. I guess I can understand the security of being in the home you've lived in for over 50 years---and her wants to eventually go to the same little boarding home that her mother went to. I hope you are able to get issues worked out with your Mom. This aging is all such a difficult process---and you also have all your concerns for you Dad. Don't they say "old age isn't for sissies?" Thanks goodness we have prayer and our heavenly Father we can go to for comfort and help---but I agree it does help to have others in a similar situation to talk to and share thoughts. Thank you and God bless.

ddarkangel. What a beautiful response from your 11 year old. Thank you for sharing that and I agree with you, I will hope I can exhibit the same pure unconditional love....

Thank you caregiverslight---for your encouragement and kind words. It really helps to try to understand the disease a little more clearly. And secret sister---giving very good advice for Barbara. One ...Read More

Thank you caregiverslight---for your encouragement and kind words. It really helps to try to understand the disease a little more clearly. And secret sister---giving very good advice for Barbara. One of my first thoughts for Barbara was to move out---if there was any way possible. If you were close enough by---you could still look in on your mother and help take care of the yard, etc. It IS too bad to be letting your mother come between you and your husband. (These are years to be enjoying and supportive one another. Soon enough, we may be the ones perhaps needing care--or not have the other one.) Your mother may be having dementia set in. It apparently is different with everyone--in how it affects them-----but this negativeness, and accusations especially to loved ones, seems to be such a common pattern. I believe I read that 50% of people over 85 will have some sort of dementia! I got a letter from my Mom yesterday---that was two pages of what hell is like (quotes from the Bible) and then she tells us it is up to us what we decide. My husband and I accepted Christ in 1974 and actually got my Mom to come to church with us and give her life over to him.....so, what is she thinking?????---Apparently that is just it---she is not able to think properly anymore. I have seen pictures of what the plaque on the brain looks like. No wonder their thinking is all messed up. But-----as with your Mom, she appears quite normal much of the time---and these things just throw you for a loop!!! It is so hard not to be upset and offended!!!! Like you and your husband, I feel I have always bent over backwards to do whatever I could to help out my Mom, and be there for her---and then to have her attack, call me a liar, a thief! and on and on-----is so frustrating and painful! So, as I was offended looking at the latest letter. I was thinking---"do we really want to go back there to visit her?" As secretsister said---how much verbal abuse can/should we subject ourselves too? Yet, she is my mother, a widow and very much in need of help (and of course I love her)! So, yes we are going---and are going to try to not get offended and perhaps to EXPECT the ridiculous---and just smile at it---realizing it's the disease. I was thinking of the Bible verse in 1 Peter 4:12 that says "Beloved, do not think it strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened to you, but rejoice to the extent that you partake of Christ's sufferings......" Last night I looked at the letter and thought this is like a test. How will I respond? I told myself I should be expecting things like this and overlook the offense that it should be giving me (and did at first)!! I realize that this scripture is meant in a little different light---but it still spoke to me---that I should be expecting that more of these things are likely to happen---as long as my mother has this disease. This is not uncommon to SO MANY people who are dealing with a loved one with some form of dementia. I am to do whatever I can to help her out of my love and commitment to her. But also, not let it ruin my life. Not take the abuse---that about gave me a heart attack. Not let it so affect me---that I cannot be the joy to my husband and other family members that I should be. This is not an easy thing to do-----and I will probably fail on my trip to see her in August---but I am going to pray that God will see me through it and will help me to realize---when the offenses come---not to take them personally, not to expect to be able to reason with her, and not think it as strange. I hope to look at each incident like a fiery trial----that I just need to respond correctly to, which is basically to ignore the comment---and then change the subject. I did have a nurse acquaintance (in charge of an Alzheimer unit)tell me, the 2 most critical things to do with these people is to "Reassure and Redirect". Maybe I should put in front of that "Rejoice"---that I can recognize the offense as a trial, and think that it is not uncommon that she would do such a thing--and overlook the offense. (I believe that is in Proverbs---Perfect Love overlooks an offense). So---I'm just working on myself here---to have a totally different mind set---which might just save me from a lot of pain. Perhaps that could be used in your situation as well (and your husband)---however you end up dealing with your home situation-----those offenses and accusations are still going to come. We need to find that balance and I guess---be willing to let go of our loved ones. Do absolutely what we can---but then put them in God's hands--and be free to do what God has called us also to be---like being the loving wife and mother and grandmother and "light" for Him. I hope and pray for an answer for you and for your marriage to be restored. clnichol

My last post "I'm ready to say good-bye to my mother" was done almost a year ago. Thank you to those of you that have responded with care and encouragement. Here's an update on where this year has tak ...Read More

My last post "I'm ready to say good-bye to my mother" was done almost a year ago. Thank you to those of you that have responded with care and encouragement. Here's an update on where this year has taken us. We never did visit her---when she asked us not to. That was hard---as we wanted to spend time with her and help her with as much as we could at her home. Having emphysema, probably neuropathy and maybe a heart or circulation problem (she refuses any tests to know for sure), she isn't able to get much done without complete exhaustion. She still refuses help from a Care Service in her state.....Very stubborn about anything I may suggest. SO, I continually call her and most of the time ---our conversations are fine. I help her with her computer---to download her email---and painstakingly walk her through every step to get her email downloaded and then start her reading it. My husband has to leave the room as he hears us talking. Seriously, it takes 45 minutes to do something that should have taken 1 minute of less! But, I don't mind doing that---because she does enjoy the emails once she can read them, but I am noticing deterioration in her abilities, she gets very confused---and each time think---oK, we'll probably have to let the email go soon. I am learning more to change the subject when I see the very negative coming out. Most of the time I can do it----but every once in awhile---I will say "Mom---we never did that" and "don't you remember such and such that we discussed and you asked us to do". She is still adamant about those certain issues and accuses us of pretty horrible things. It's hard---because I will think---OK, she's not that far gone and we can talk pretty reasonable about a lot of things---but when it comes to these certain issues---there's no question in her mind that we did them. (It might be easier---if she were totally gone al the time) I decided that I would go back for Mothers Day (we live on the west coast---she on the east) and spend an entire week---and just have a good time! would do whatever I could around the house, would take her to her favorite thing to do ---"Beano" (as much as I don't care for it) every night of the week---if she wanted! Also---i didn't tell her about it, I decided to surprise her! (Maybe she would have said to not come!). But, I had prayed about it and was determined that I could handle anything she threw my way and change the subject and have a great time....Give her a truly wonderful week. Living so far away----having 5 children----our visits were always in the summer---so I had only ever spent one Mother's Day actually with her in 38 years! My girlfriend picked me up from the airport and I arrived with a bundle of gifts and said "surprise!---You've got me for a whole week! I'm at your service!" She cried and said she thought she would probably never get to see her daughter again. We had 2 wonderful days, having fun and getting many things done. On the Sat. before Mothers Day---the question was asked again. "Why did you do such and such to me?" The same questions...Take her house and never pay her (she had asked us to please put it in our name and she would have life lease---with her helping with costs, repairs, etc); redo her will (we had her sit down and go through the entire will with us in 02, leaving what little she might have left evenly divided between my brother and I---which was always her desire. She cannot take in what she is reading---and says crazy things about the simple will---making me realize that she cannot decipher what she is reading);On and on........ not making any sense. I responded back with my reasoning ---saying mostly "Mom, that never happened, etc" ---- It got absolutely crazy!!!!! The things she said to me! As I was listening---I determined that no child should have to ever hear a parent saying such things---and that I would tell my children ---please, if I ever got that way, to not listen to me---and just put me away some place, and don't listen to me. I decided I just had to leave---I could not take the stress of it. I just packed and waited for my girlfriend to get back in town to come and get me.
As I was silent, my Mom would come up with these rageful things to say, like "You're just guilty, or you're jealous of me, you're going the wrong way, you're filled with Satan, Get out of here! I'll kick your a__ all the way down the road!" She even said she wished she would die right there for me to see and said I should put a knife right through her heart!) Just nuts! I said "Someday Mom. in heaven, you'll see that these things are not true. She said I'll never see you in heaven!"----I left, wondering where my Mother had gone-----and wondering where my feelings of love for my mother had gone....
At my girlfriends, in the midst of tears and trying to make new plane reservation, I had an unusual pain down my left arm. She immediately gave me an aspirin and was ready to call the hospital. It finally went away. I did go back to see her that evening---and picked up a couple of things I had left. My mother had found everything she could find, that I had given her---and had it by the front door to take with me. She wanted nothing to remind her of me.....I found an early flight home---and flew home on Mothers Day......What a disaster---and I was so mad at myself for getting caught up in the emotion of it all---and for trying to reason with her---and for going home-----when I was right there---and still had many things I had planned to take care of.
I called her to let her know that I was home and fine. She said she couldn't believe that I could have started that and done all of those things to her. She had just not brought me up right!
Oh my, so what do you do????..... I feel better still calling her daily---to check on her and try to be as upbeat as I can. Most of the time I am able to change the subject---and keep the conversation going the right way, or I'll say Mom, I'm going to hang up now and will call you in a couple of days, and tell her I love her. I've still hung up a couple of times as she's called me a liar and says that I am filled with Satan.... (We are both Bible believing Christians)
And----we have another trip planned to go back this August. We are renting a camp close by, and will bring my mother back and forth. (She refuses to stay with us any more). She turns 80 in a few days. We weren't able to be there then---but will celebrate while we are there---and are also going to have a family reunion for her side of the family...... We'll see how it all goes. I will at least have my husband there---for support (if he can stand to stick around).
I've come to realize that this IS a process.....and a very difficult one----of saying good-bye----to someone I love very much. We all must face these good-byes---as that is the process of this life. But, I must say---that this is a very difficult and painful way to have to do it. My mother really believes I have done all of these horrible things to her. And the more time goes on---the more I am seeing that it has to be some sort of dementia. Some little things she will say now, like you must have brought a large towel and left it here---because it was in my laundry and I have never seen it before. Also, she asked if I left another item (a Jewish prayer shawl) in her cabinet---as she has never seen it in her life---and I must have done it because no one else has been there. The other new one--since my Mothers Day trip is that I left something in her glass in the kitchen cabinet. She won't tell me what it was--until I admit that i have done it. She also says that she has not been feeling as good ever since I did that! (She takes a glass of water to bed with her every night and takes sips through the night) she said God spoke to her one morning and said to take that out of her mouth (what ever was in her glass) and she says thank God she did. I asked if she thought I would ever do anything like that to hurt her and she said yes, you know what you did. She seems to slip in and out of reality---but she never forgets the illusions that she has determined that we have done to her.
So, forgive me for going on and on...... my poor husband has had to hear about the craziness and it is, of course, very frustrating to him to see me get hurt. Sometimes it just feels good to put things down in words---that will never hurt my mother---as no one reading this would know her.
It helps to know that many others are going through the same issues---and worse. I do believe we serve a Sovereign God and that He is there by my side to see me through this---and to help me behave in a way that is pleasing to Him. I just have to keep my focus on Him while remembering that this is a disease that has overtaken my mother---and try not to take any of it personally. Some day in heaven she will see all things clearly.
So--although I am saying good-bye--whether I want to or not--it is happening----someday--on the other side, I will say hello again!
Thanks again for your positive input and encouragement.

Thank you Barb, (I did respond earlier to your email---but don't think it got sent---sorry if I'm repeating myself). I appreciate your sharing more about your Mom and how the disease affected her. I w ...Read More

Thank you Barb, (I did respond earlier to your email---but don't think it got sent---sorry if I'm repeating myself). I appreciate your sharing more about your Mom and how the disease affected her. I will keep looking for signs for my Mom and keep working on her to get the right care. It is very hard for me---living so far away. I have asked for her to at least come and visit for a few weeks and get to see all her grandkids and great grandkids (as all but 1 grandchild live here) and let me take care of her. Said I would go back and come out on the plane and take her back, etc---but she won't hear of it. The last time she was here was 3 years ago. I know she finds comfort in the home she's been in for 50 + years and knows where everything is, etc.---but she is very lonely! (I think she drives most people off---with her bitter spirit) She also now has these thoughts about my husband and I, (being money hungry and thieves!!) that it is overshadowing all of the wonderful years and things that we've done together and for her and my Dad. She says she will spend hours thinking and thinking and talking to God. (I am so glad she loves the Lord) but then seems to only remember negative things and looks at so many things in a negative light (or even totally wrong). When she gets going about things---she will say how awful I was as a child---like how I didn't like an outfit she bought me when I was 8! and how that hurt her! I said well if that's the worse that I did ---you should be so grateful!! I guess I get defensive---because I really was a good kid --fairly shy and studious. She had all kinds of trouble with my brother (who has been major trouble all of his life!)---but now will put us in the same category at times. So---I fight these feeling of hurt, anger, frustration and deep love and compassion for a mother that I am losing. I make up my mind to overlook the accusations---once again----and say I will not react to them anymore---but lo and behold---I do. So---now we have a trip back east---in which we were going to help her out for a week, and she asked us not to. I have booked the tickets for the business aspect of it----but am now not planning to extend it to see her. I'm not sure I'm making the right decision. But maybe she's better off without my involvement. But she really doesn't have anyone else. She does have 2 older sisters and a sister-in-law--fairly close by---but they don't like to visit her---because of how she treats them. I don't know that they realize perhaps that Mom does have dementia of some sort and not able control herself. (Yet---my Mom thinks everyone else is at fault! She's very offensive!) I have confided in a few family members--for them to be aware. So---now I'm wishing we had planned the trip to go to visit her---no matter what she has said. It's a good opportunity since we will already be close by. Sorry, I've rambled on to you---when I really meant to thank you and to say how wonderful it is that you are taking such good care of your Mom. Perhaps-- bitter-sweet that you get along fine now ---but--- she doesn't know who you are. Makes me want to spend time with my Mom now--in case that's where she's headed too. Thank you again and God Bless.....

I appreciate the comments from both of you. I have read about Alzheimer's and dementia quite a bit --trying to make some sense out of my mothers behavior. I thought she fit more into the category of r ...Read More

I appreciate the comments from both of you. I have read about Alzheimer's and dementia quite a bit --trying to make some sense out of my mothers behavior. I thought she fit more into the category of regular dementia. I really have tried and tried to get her to a Dr. She has no use for them, although she does take albuterol and needs to go twice a year to get more. She likes that Dr. because she says he doesn't say anything except that she's doing fine. A couple of years ago---I was able to get my mother to sign some papers giving me authority to talk to the Drs. Then that Dr. moved to another office and they told me she would have to sign them again. We have had such battles these last couple of years---that I don't think she'll ever do that again. She was so terrible that one eye Dr. actually kicked her out of his office about 4 years ago. (She needed new glasses) Of course---he was that evil Dr.! So---I don't know if I'll ever get her to a Dr. unless she has ---like your Mom ---an accident or other health issue come up. And she is adamant about not taking any medicine! (Again---she does take the albuterol) Maybe if things get bad enough---she will.
So, it sounds like your mother went into not knowing who you were almost over night? Is that true? It's hard because I can be talking to my Mom about daily stuff and she seems fine. Although she does get quite confused about certain things and has not been able to reason for quite some time. She was even trying to defend herself last year---reading a simple Bible Scripture. (She's almost constantly argumentative) I could see that she just couldn't process the information---but thought she could---and just made it say what she wanted it to. But, whenever it comes to the house or the will--especially---it's all the crazy accusations again. She will call me a liar----and absolutely all my reasoning---do not do a bit of good. Then we end up in a fight and I know she's spends days crying. I feel so bad and then call her and try to act as though nothing ever was said.
It also sounds like your Mom quit being angry with you and accusing you of things. When did that happen? ----It IS a terrible disease (and all of its forms)----and I have been so concerned that I might ever do this to my children. That's wonderful that you are able to take care of your Mom. I have tried to move my Mom out west with us---but she won't hear of it. We have a little guest house that we actually remodeled for her. I have been checking into assisted living units though---just in case. That goes back to already having the house in my name and whether or not to put it back in her name. I would like to be able to sell it --when we need to---and put whatever we can get for it ---towards her care. If I put it back in her name and she goes into a state nursing home---I believe the state will just take it. I would like to get her the best care--if possible.
Power of attorney and medical power of attorney?---I've been trying to get her to do those for years. She is one stubborn woman.
I feel bad your Mom doesn't know who you are. I have thought that that might be better than the angry accusations---but maybe not. It is all very sad. Thank you for sharing....

I'm ready to say good-bye to my mother. She lives on the east coast---me on the west. I have only one other sibling ---who is no help at all (and more of a threat to her). My parents and I have been c ...Read More

I'm ready to say good-bye to my mother. She lives on the east coast---me on the west. I have only one other sibling ---who is no help at all (and more of a threat to her). My parents and I have been close all of our lives. We've done alot for them over the years, trips, etc. and they've always appreciated it.My Dad passed away in '96. Since then, my mother asked my husband and I to have her house put in our name---"so the government wouldn't someday get it". We kept saying no---because in our business---we had to put all we owned on the line all the time. In 02, my mother had to be hospitalized, almost died, and discovered that she had emphysema. I, of course, flew back and was by her side through it all and left after 10 days and it was clear she would be okay. We took one of our children and their kids back to visit about 6 weeks later. We rented a camp--so as not to put her out and had her stay with us. We also decided to go ahead and put the house in our name and give her life lease and also credit for the value of the house. (value---very small--about 43,000.) We helped her buy a newer car with some of that, and updated the furnace, roof, stairs, and other items that needed tending. We began paying for the taxes, ins. etc. We have always done things for her---like buying her a new computer----spending hours and hours explaining over and over how to open her email.(I thought this would be good for her mind and we could send pictures often, etc.) We pay for her internet hook-up, I buy her vitamins all the time---as she won't see a Dr. (they are all evil and only after your money)and it's the only thing she will consider to do that might help her. I also have her on our cell phone plan---to take with her when she drives---in case of an emergency. I bought her the help line to wear around her neck.---- 3 years ago---we helped her update her will. She had been complaining that she never finished the simple one that she had done just after my Dad passed away. So---when we go back to visit, we have her write up a list with all the things that we can do to help her around the house and spend a few days doing it (then we try to go to a camp to enjoy one another and are able to have other family come to visit too. My husband and our kids love being on a lake). So, we decided this time---we'd help her take care of her will. I looked into the internet and saw that we could do one there for about 30.00. I sat her down beside me for every question------and got her answers. If she wasn't sure, I would suggest something simple--- she would say okay. Basically, she always wanted whatever was left to be divided up evenly with my brother and I, with me taking care of things. Very simple. (When we transferred the house, after her withdrawal amounts were paid back all would be divided up evenly---was written in that document.) Dealing with her over these past few years---has slowly become a living nightmare!!!! She says that was all my husbands idea to have the house transferred and that she wants the papers back to her original deed. She says it's her house. Then she will say--it be coming back to her anyway in '09. ??? What she repeatedly says makes no sense---like well, if you bought my house---where's my money? then we'll explain about the car, repairs, etc. and she'll say " all you ever talk about is money! I'll send you the d--- money". I could go on and on---with the craziness!!! The will----she knew nothing about and says we did that will how we wanted to and stole papers from her file!! My husband opened her small file box (because she had misplaced her keys)and handed it to her. She swears that he went through it and stole some papers!! As we say---why would we? and that of course we didn't ever take any papers! She is absolutely convinced that he did it! My mother knows that we have always been upright, honest people----but has turned her opinion around that we are thieves and liars! This is soooo hurtful! She contacted her original attorney for a copy of her old unfinished will after I gave her a copy of what she gave me. She first said how did you get my will---I never gave it to you (which she did) I told her maybe she would be convinced when the attorney sent her a copy of exactly what I gave her. When he did---she said that was not the will that she did and then called him (and accused him of I don't know what!!) and asked if he was on the internet. He said yes, his firm was. So---now she thinks that he and I were in cahoots and forged her signature on the old will! I'm not sure why we would even do that! It is all so crazy!!!! I have developed severe stomach attacks from the stress of all of this --that puts me down for a couple of weeks at a time! My husband and I have been planning to go back again this fall and help her out---and try to do some enjoyable things with her. She says no----that she's not comfortable with us. She seems to be okay for part of our conversation---but it always comes back to her wanting her papers back that we stole. About 6 months ago---she called to say she found some of the papers she had accused us of taking. I said---so Mom, you realize that we never took them, right? she said --oh, well you put them back in the box. I said when? we live 3000 miles away! she said---oh when you were here last. None of it lines up or makes any sense. We have been called money-hungry, lovers of and controlled by Satan! I really am finished! (I can't begin to tell you the hurtful things she says to me. I think that's how she gets back at me---by trying to say something to hurt me.) My question---after all of that... Do we just transfer the house back in her name and let what will happen ---happen? I don't think that will make her happy either. She seems to find fault with any way that we try to help her. She actually complains about everything....like "not one soul called me today---nobody cares about me. Or---so and so called and talked for over an hour! I couldn't wait to get them off of the phone! They are such greedy, proud people!" (Always something negative)I have overlooked things and forgiven her time and time again---but don't think I can take it anymore. I typically call her every few days and tell her to call me if she ever needs anything! (She has a lot of confusion with things) I want to help my mother and help make her last years happier---but I don't think it's possible. Her health is not very good. Since she refuses to see a Dr., we're not sure about some things. We know she has emphysema---but her oxygen level is above the point needing oxygen (I bought her an at-home oxometer) She has no feeling in her feet, and is exhausted and out of breath from doing very simple things. She does still have her license and gets out 2 or 3 times a week (except during the winter).(At night---she says she's okay as long as she can follow someones tail-lights!! scary!)She's only 78---and could probably live much longer if she would see a Dr. It may be her circulation clogged or her heart. But who know? We've gone round and round about Drs. to the point where I've given up. Totally exasperated---I hung up the phone today telling her I never want to be in touch again......I feel I've lost my mother. She brings me (basically a very patient person)---to the point of craziness and it's taken its toll! I don't think I can handle things with her anymore. Any help or suggestions???
PS. I have her all lined up to get help (housework,etc) with a state organization---but again---she just won't do it or let me make the call! (She'd rather complain!)I don't think she wants anything to be my idea...Perhaps, if I'm out of her life---she'll have to rely on these other organizations----even if it takes her being admitted to the emergency room.

I'm ready to say good-bye to my mother. She lives on the east coast---me on the west. I have only one other sibling ---who is no help at all (and more of a threat to her). My parents and I have been c ...Read More

I'm ready to say good-bye to my mother. She lives on the east coast---me on the west. I have only one other sibling ---who is no help at all (and more of a threat to her). My parents and I have been close all of our lives. We've done alot for them over the years, trips, etc. and they've always appreciated it.My Dad passed away in '96. Since then, my mother asked my husband and I to have her house put in our name---"so the government wouldn't someday get it". We kept saying no---because in our business---we had to put all we owned on the line all the time. In 02, my mother had to be hospitalized, almost died, and discovered that she had emphysema. I, of course, flew back and was by her side through it all and left after 10 days and it was clear she would be okay. We took one of our children and their kids back to visit about 6 weeks later. We rented a camp--so as not to put her out and had her stay with us. We also decided to go ahead and put the house in our name and give her life lease and also credit for the value of the house. (value---very small--about 43,000.) We helped her buy a newer car with some of that, and updated the furnace, roof, stairs, and other items that needed tending. We began paying for the taxes, ins. etc. We have always done things for her---like buying her a new computer----spending hours and hours explaining over and over how to open her email.(I thought this would be good for her mind and we could send pictures often, etc.) We pay for her internet hook-up, I buy her vitamins all the time---as she won't see a Dr. (they are all evil and only after your money)and it's the only thing she will consider to do that might help her. I also have her on our cell phone plan---to take with her when she drives---in case of an emergency. I bought her the help line to wear around her neck.---- 3 years ago---we helped her update her will. She had been complaining that she never finished the simple one that she had done just after my Dad passed away. So---when we go back to visit, we have her write up a list with all the things that we can do to help her around the house and spend a few days doing it (then we try to go to a camp to enjoy one another and are able to have other family come to visit too. My husband and our kids love being on a lake). So, we decided this time---we'd help her take care of her will. I looked into the internet and saw that we could do one there for about 30.00. I sat her down beside me for every question------and got her answers. If she wasn't sure, I would suggest something simple--- she would say okay. Basically, she always wanted whatever was left to be divided up evenly with my brother and I, with me taking care of things. Very simple. (When we transferred the house, after her withdrawal amounts were paid back all would be divided up evenly---was written in that document.) Dealing with her over these past few years---has slowly become a living nightmare!!!! She says that was all my husbands idea to have the house transferred and that she wants the papers back to her original deed. She says it's her house. Then she will say--it be coming back to her anyway in '09. ??? What she repeatedly says makes no sense---like well, if you bought my house---where's my money? then we'll explain about the car, repairs, etc. and she'll say " all you ever talk about is money! I'll send you the d--- money". I could go on and on---with the craziness!!! The will----she knew nothing about and says we did that will how we wanted to and stole papers from her file!! My husband opened her small file box (because she had misplaced her keys)and handed it to her. She swears that he went through it and stole some papers!! As we say---why would we? and that of course we didn't ever take any papers! She is absolutely convinced that he did it! My mother knows that we have always been upright, honest people----but has turned her opinion around that we are thieves and liars! This is soooo hurtful! She contacted her original attorney for a copy of her old unfinished will after I gave her a copy of what she gave me. She first said how did you get my will---I never gave it to you (which she did) I told her maybe she would be convinced when the attorney sent her a copy of exactly what I gave her. When he did---she said that was not the will that she did and then called him (and accused him of I don't know what!!) and asked if he was on the internet. He said yes, his firm was. So---now she thinks that he and I were in cahoots and forged her signature on the old will! I'm not sure why we would even do that! It is all so crazy!!!! I have developed severe stomach attacks from the stress of all of this --that puts me down for a couple of weeks at a time! My husband and I have been planning to go back again this fall and help her out---and try to do some enjoyable things with her. She says no----that she's not comfortable with us. She seems to be okay for part of our conversation---but it always comes back to her wanting her papers back that we stole. About 6 months ago---she called to say she found some of the papers she had accused us of taking. I said---so Mom, you realize that we never took them, right? she said --oh, well you put them back in the box. I said when? we live 3000 miles away! she said---oh when you were here last. None of it lines up or makes any sense. We have been called money-hungry, lovers of and controlled by Satan! I really am finished! (I can't begin to tell you the hurtful things she says to me. I think that's how she gets back at me---by trying to say something to hurt me.) My question---after all of that... Do we just transfer the house back in her name and let what will happen ---happen? I don't think that will make her happy either. She seems to find fault with any way that we try to help her. She actually complains about everything....like "not one soul called me today---nobody cares about me. Or---so and so called and talked for over an hour! I couldn't wait to get them off of the phone! They are such greedy, proud people!" (Always something negative)I have overlooked things and forgiven her time and time again---but don't think I can take it anymore. I typically call her every few days and tell her to call me if she ever needs anything! (She has a lot of confusion with things) I want to help my mother and help make her last years happier---but I don't think it's possible. Her health is not very good. Since she refuses to see a Dr., we're not sure about some things. We know she has emphysema---but her oxygen level is above the point needing oxygen (I bought her an at-home oxometer) She has no feeling in her feet, and is exhausted and out of breath from doing very simple things. She does still have her license and gets out 2 or 3 times a week (except during the winter).(At night---she says she's okay as long as she can follow someones tail-lights!! scary!)She's only 78---and could probably live much longer if she would see a Dr. It may be her circulation clogged or her heart. But who know? We've gone round and round about Drs. to the point where I've given up. Totally exasperated---I hung up the phone today telling her I never want to be in touch again......I feel I've lost my mother. She brings me (basically a very patient person)---to the point of craziness and it's taken its toll! I don't think I can handle things with her anymore. Any help or suggestions???
PS. I have her all lined up to get help (housework,etc) with a state organization---but again---she just won't do it or let me make the call! (She'd rather complain!)I don't think she wants anything to be my idea...Perhaps, if I'm out of her life---she'll have to rely on these other organizations----even if it takes her being admitted to the emergency room.