Answered a question 7/24/2010 at 7:31 am
Hi there, I logged on to read about how others handle an elderly abusive parent and I have been so encouraged by what I've read. I am the only child of an academically brilliant father whose heavy dri
...Read MoreHi there, I logged on to read about how others handle an elderly abusive parent and I have been so encouraged by what I've read. I am the only child of an academically brilliant father whose heavy drinking, unpredictable mood and controlling nature ruined much of my childhood. Mum escaped into Alzheimer's and died 10 years ago. She used to take my hand and run away from his bellowing. Now Dad is 83 and in an excellent care home but over the years has inveigled me into enabling his heavy drinking and subsequent aggression. He snaps and shouts at people for not answering their mobiles, or being a few minutes late; he's had one male carer in tears. At one point there was a real danger he'd be asked to leave the home. I'd begun to dread my three-weekly visits (I live close by) as I'm tired after work and he made no allowance for this, expecting me to 'entertain' him regardless. He doesn't socialise in the care home because others avoid his aggressive behaviour. This last Sunday when I'd gone to lunch with him, he shouted at me in the dining room in front of everyone and something just snapped. Two years ago I stood up to him for the first time ever (I'm 54!!!) over his trying to get me to put him on the commode, which is a carer's job and illegal for me to do. Like all bullies he backed down in tears when he realised I wasn't going to do it. I thought things had changed after that but the more I've done for him, as a people-pleaser, the more he has disrespected me. Since last Sunday I haven't visited because I just had to have a break, and he's like a burst balloon, or a child without its dummy. Now it will be one short visit a week and I'll take a reasonable amount of whisky to the office, which will be dispensed to him by the carers over the week, so no more frantic phone calls from him at all hours begging for another bottle (we're deeply in the red financially, largely as a result of his drinking). I feel strong enough in myself not to back down, as he will certainly try to manipulate me into returning to our previous relationship. All the care staff know about it and are supporting me. I think my over-devotion to providing for Dad has disempowered him and made the carers' lives more difficult, so I hope it is not too late for him, through necessity, to develop good relations with those around him and open out his life more.