Commented on a discussion 10/28/2009 at 10:49 am
I am getting to an age where I may need some help at some point in my alarmingly not too distant future. It's a frightening prospect, made more so by the problems and attitudes I see reflected in the
...Read MoreI am getting to an age where I may need some help at some point in my alarmingly not too distant future. It's a frightening prospect, made more so by the problems and attitudes I see reflected in the daily posts and resentments I read on this site. The last thing I want is to ever depend on my children for anything and I would certainly never expect them to empty their bank account to take care of me. The thought of living with them horrifies me as well even though I love them dearly. Even now, I sometimes get that "tone of voice" from one of them who doesn't agree with a decision or a comment I've made. So, from a nearly senior, I have a few comments:
First, if your parents are way too early now, they've probably always been too early. Or they get to the doctor's office in time and find out all of the other patients came early and lined up in front of them, so they're nervous about taking up your time or, as the article said, getting home for a valid reason. If you don't have the time or don't want to be involved, arrange for the Handicar or whatever service you have in your community that transports seniors free of charge, even for grocery shopping.
Second, don't take your parents into your home if they need extreme care or if you can't afford it, or if you don't have the time and patience and can't afford caregivers to come in and assist, or you just don't feel that you want to take on the burden. Once you take them in, it only gets worse and it's harder to move them back out or to make an alternative decision. If they don't have funds, the state will step in. If they do have funds, help them find the best way to utilize them for the most savings. It's a scary world out there and so much has changed since they were young. You too will face this dilemma one day so treat as you would like to be treated and try to remember the sacrifices they made for you when you are deciding their future. No one will give you a medal for allowing guilt to make your choices and feeling building resentments is like eating glass and waiting for the other person to die.
Third, you think you're frustrated and angry, look at it from the opposite view. They have lost driving privileges, feel trapped and dependent when they've been independent all their lives, beset by dozens of old-age conditions. I can only imagine what a bitter pill that is. How do you think they feel having to depend on you for everything, being treated like children which, unfortunately, many of them become and the more you treat them like children, the more like children they become -- just as you did when you were small.
Last, don't take them in and then expect your siblings to step up. Make sure the financial and caretaking agreements are in place before you commit yourself. If your siblings aren't willing to take the time, be sure and set up an account they can contribute to monthly to hire caregivers or errand runners so you don't feel pinned against a wall with no options. And don't step on their dignity. Consult them as equals whenever possible, not with that voice that tells them all of the power is yours. They probably already know that and are humiliated by it.