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Thank you so much for referring me to the link you provided for me. I'm passing it on to my brother who lives in another state. Very valuable info and things to think about. I think it's hard som ...Read More

Thank you so much for referring me to the link you provided for me. I'm passing it on to my brother who lives in another state. Very valuable info and things to think about. I think it's hard sometimes to make the role switch because we are so used to our parents being the one in control and well being the parent. When the children (myself) have to reverse that role at some point, it's just not natural so takes some time and a strategy that will help my mom feel comfortable with the idea and be trusting of me and realize I care and want the best for her. it's not easy, but it's something we have to pursue so we aren't caught in a bad situation down the road. Thank you again and my best wishes to you and yours !!

thank you for your advice!
I've come to the decision that if my mother and elderly brother are doing okay in their own home, then they should not have to sell & move because we want them to. I r ...Read More

thank you for your advice!
I've come to the decision that if my mother and elderly brother are doing okay in their own home, then they should not have to sell & move because we want them to. I realize it's a huge adjustment and very disruptive for someone of her age (83) to move from a home that she's lived in nearly all her life. There are many things that need to be discussed with my mother and my disabled brother. I know mom is his guardian so this is something I must find out soon -- we need to set into place a guardian to take over should she pass before him. I am also going to find out about a Living Will. I know mom has a Will, but I need to know if she has or would like a Living Will. I want to find out if my brother also has a Will in place. So much to think about, but if we do it over a period of time and do it when our elderly parents are competent and able to help us help them, then we will all feel much better having all these things taken care of.

Thank you so much -- very helpful and I appreciate it.
Avie

Did you mother go to NC after leaving her own home? If she did, and then she is going to be moving to your place, maybe she's having a hard time with the adjustments and with the upcoming move to you ...Read More

Did you mother go to NC after leaving her own home? If she did, and then she is going to be moving to your place, maybe she's having a hard time with the adjustments and with the upcoming move to your place? Might be good idea to check with your sister, which you probably have by now and see how she was acting/behaving there with her; then maybe check with your mom's doctor(s) to find out if there is any medical reason she's sleeping a lot more. I'm no expert, but I do have an 83 yr. old mother and I know she falls asleep a lot, but she also does not have many activities, no hobbies, really does not do a lot but only house hold activities like doing laundry, etc. I can see in my mother's case why she may retreat to sleep a lot, but it can be different for everyone and also medical reasons may be playing a big role. Wishing you and your mom all the very best !

Avie

Ed,
Thanks again for all your helpful advice !
Greatly needed and appreciated. Have a great day!
Avie

Thank you Ed . . . I needed to hear this. There seems to be no real urgency for either of us to relocate, but I know the time is just around the corner when I get "that call" . . . It can be ver ...Read More

Thank you Ed . . . I needed to hear this. There seems to be no real urgency for either of us to relocate, but I know the time is just around the corner when I get "that call" . . . It can be very mind boggling to say the least. They can be so stubborn! Appreciate your thoughts, this helps.

Avie

Thanks for your help! I have not asked mom yet if she would approve of a POA, but she and I get along quite well, but I don't know how she will react. For some reason I get the hunch she is suspici ...Read More

Thanks for your help! I have not asked mom yet if she would approve of a POA, but she and I get along quite well, but I don't know how she will react. For some reason I get the hunch she is suspicious of my brother and I and I know they can get that way. We are the ones trying to help, yet she can give thousands to a scam artist contractor without blinking an eye -- never called us to check with us first either before signing off with this jerk. Our hands right now are tied. She can spend as she pleases. Very frustrating.

Thanks so much . . . this all really helps. It's hard, but I believe it may be doable within a year or two and I am looking into every angle/option. She said "No" to selling & moving to my brother ...Read More

Thanks so much . . . this all really helps. It's hard, but I believe it may be doable within a year or two and I am looking into every angle/option. She said "No" to selling & moving to my brother basically, because he was the one sort of telling her this is what we need to do. She felt rushed and told me this rather than telling my brother. I know she'd probably rather be with me anyway, we get along well and are closer than her and my brother and his wife. What I find sort of frustrating to me, is that my mother has no hobbies, not a one. Her house has a very unusable yard, so she can't even get outside to watch the birds. Just one reason I would love to see her sell and move where I am so she has a nice little patio area . . . . I realize she would be better off in her own home with my disabled brother that lives with her. He would be another factor in all this, I would not only have her, but him as well. so if they can both live in their own home, I could have my own place close by so everyone is happy with their own space and independence. If mom had hobbies, it would be such a blessing. I'm just the opposite of her and love to do arts and crafts, I can't sit still like my father. She does not attend church, she has very few if any friends -- she lives in a way like a hermit. I guess she has enough companionship with my brother there. So, if I were to move into their home which I could not, I would probably go crazy. I can't live in that environment, but living close by I could. Mom is easy to get along with, but I also have to think of my own life as well. I think that is the hard part, balancing your own life and helping aging parents and siblings. it's no easy task, but there are ways to simplify and make things more comfortable. right now, I live many states away, so I only have visitation with her by phone, and that is about 3-5 times a week and we catch up that way. I hear what's going on at the house and in their life, but that's still not like being there in person and seeing what's going on. sometimes they can paint a pretty picture so as not to worry us. Anyway, there is no urgency to make any move at all and that's fortunate for all of us, but I just want to do what's right and comfortable for all of us so as to n ot have any regrets. I want to help my mother, but my own health concerns are surfacing and it's not so easy. My mom will not hire anyone to come in to clean, so I would have to make sure if I move back there to her town, I would need her to agree to hire someone, we could do this together, so that the burden of cleaninng the house doesn't feel like it falls on my shoulders. I know mom does not expect me to clean, but knowing me, i would feel obligated to h elp in every way. So, I would have to learn how to balance things and make sure I am not carrying too much of a load that I can't carry. I would also have my own responsibilities and home to care for. I really appreciate your comments and advice very much -- it greatly helps me and will help me when we make the big decision together. Thanks again. I'll keep you posted of what transpires . . . . have a good week.

Thank you ! I'll give him a call.

We told mom we would handle the entire move, the whole process. she'd have no worries. Yet, she's already said she's not selling. How can we handle convincing her and getting her to see our point of v ...Read More

We told mom we would handle the entire move, the whole process. she'd have no worries. Yet, she's already said she's not selling. How can we handle convincing her and getting her to see our point of view that we have families and responsibilities and lives in other states, but that we want her to be near us and we'd do all the work for her, she'd have nothing to do but enjoy the fact that she's moving to a simpler life style and will be close to her kids and grand-kids. We can't figure her out. It's close to imposslble for my brother or I to move back home, but we feel that is what she is wanting. Any advice on how we convince her or maybe change our approach? We are feeling helpless.

Thank you Isabel . . . Have a wonderful day!
Avie

Mom is 83 - she has not been declared to be incompetent at this point, however, she has made some very poor decisions on her own with her money, but we feel helpless at this point. is it possible that ...Read More

Mom is 83 - she has not been declared to be incompetent at this point, however, she has made some very poor decisions on her own with her money, but we feel helpless at this point. is it possible that we have some ground or evidence on her with the bad money decisions that would enable us to get some form of control legally or by courts? Are these poor choices enough documentation to prove she is not capable of handling her own money? I'm wondering if my brother and I could speak with her doctor and maybe get his point of view, possibly even his sn off that she is incompetent? Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks.

Thanks for your help!
Have a great day . . . Avie

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP !!!!!

Some are very simple, yet I failed to think of them. I have mailed my mother two "No Soliciting" & "No Tresspassing" signs that she can post. I ...Read More

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR YOUR HELP !!!!!

Some are very simple, yet I failed to think of them. I have mailed my mother two "No Soliciting" & "No Tresspassing" signs that she can post. I told her to be sure and post these. I just hope she does. I did my part. She has to do hers. Also, I added her phone number to the National Do Not Call List. This may also help. she is too cheap to get Caller ID, so she can't screen her calls. I am trying to get her to sign up for it. what she does now to avoid phone calls, she takes her phone off the hook which I think is a huge mistake should something horrible happen and any of us need to get her. Thanks again so much for your help.

Thanks for your advice, very helpful. If I get a POA, do I need to tell her I'm getting it or would she have to approve it or sign off on it? I'm clueless at this point,, but will look into it now.

She's 83, her home is paid for, but I can see that we really need to get her to sell. She's competent and does okay, but it's showing that we really need to get her to agree to sell and move in with m ...Read More

She's 83, her home is paid for, but I can see that we really need to get her to sell. She's competent and does okay, but it's showing that we really need to get her to agree to sell and move in with me or at least closer. We are states apart now and it's very hard for me to help her and the best situation is to be closer. I do not have plans of moving back there with two teens, and I have hinted and even bluntly talked to her about selling, the whole idea, she just seems to be in denial and dismisses it and changes the subject. I know it's not easy for anyone to leave their homes, memories, but being so far apart and the fact that she's getting into money issues, I really need her to sell as well as the house being a money pit now for her and a constant worry. I'm not sure how to go about getting her to sell, or the best way approach her. My brother says we need to be more forceful, but not sure that's the way to go either.

I am on my mother's checking acct. She has given checks to a contractor that ripped her off of a huge amt. of $$. She is competent at this point, but has made some bad decisions without telling s or w ...Read More

I am on my mother's checking acct. She has given checks to a contractor that ripped her off of a huge amt. of $$. She is competent at this point, but has made some bad decisions without telling s or wanting advice. Before we knew it, she wrote over $15,000 to a scam artist/contractor/door to door. We want to protect her and implement some sort of control, but she is very stubborn and at this pointk, will not turn her checkbook over to one of us to help her out. We are helpless. Might there be something we could arrange with her bank to monitor or send up a red flag? Maybe a maximum or ceiling amt. that if someone did try to cash a large check from her, it would cause an alert? I plan on contacting her bank to see asap. Anyone else out there with similar issues? My brother and I are so afraid that she will just end up broke at some point if she continues to spend as she has done - it's frustating and a helpless feeling for us to not be able to stop her.

Sending a hug your way . . . things will get better, keep the faith.
Avie

Hi Nelly,
Thanks for sharing your personal situation with me. We have a lot in common. My mother (now 83) is several states away. Luckily, I do have my disabled brother living there with her ...Read More

Hi Nelly,
Thanks for sharing your personal situation with me. We have a lot in common. My mother (now 83) is several states away. Luckily, I do have my disabled brother living there with her in the same house that my mom ownes, but he is not street wise and really is limited to what he can do. For me, I'm just happy she has a man with her so that if only it appears she is not totally alone. I am worried though, she ownes her home, but twice now, without discussing it with my other brother in another state, that she signed up with two different contractors a few years apart. the first time he took her for over $20,000.00. they were working at her house for about a week before she told us and what is sickning, she was paying him as they go - rather than paying a deposit upfront and the final at the end, she was paying him --- later we found out he was actually asking her for money during the course of this time he was there and asking for cash . . . she would comply and go to the bank with this stranger and give him cash. Even the bank sort of questioned this when he was there with her, but they could do nothing - they or no one can keep her from spending her own money. she's competent to a degree, but it's obvious she needs someone to oversee her spending and without either my other brother or myself there physically near her, we can't do much. It's a dellimma, we want her to sell the house and are going to try and get her to agree to this and then we will take steps to get them both moved closer or in with one of us BUT, getting her to agree to sell is the first major step and we don't think she is going to want to. She avoids the conversation whenever I bring it up, yet she will complain about how much the hosue is too much to take care of. It's so frustrating. These older people can be soooo stubborn and really makes everything worse in dealing with them. for some reason they just are in denial of their own situation. I'm doing all I can from a distance. I plan to get her a "no soliciting" sign to place by her door that can be seen from the street . . . in hopes this may at least keep someone at bay, but she's so nice and when these people come to the door, she won't say NO and that's scary. They know what the are doing too. They are doing and saying everytihng that they know will get the elderly person on their side and they end up just trusting these strangers immediately. If they are competent and are not diagnosed as incompetent, then what can we do? My name is on her checking acct, but I still am not sure there is anything I can do to keep her from spending like this and getting ripped off. I'm researching ways I might be able to intervene without necessarily her knowing if that's possible. We'd have to have her proven incompetent I think in order to take any legal control, but I guess each state is also different in these legal issues. Ohhh, it's a real problem and so sad to see these elderly taken advantage . . .so sad. I am giving her examples of what to say if there is a next time and I just hope and pray she knows now that "NO" is an okay answer and it's not being rude. She is lonely and loves the attention and conversation these people offer her when they are there working and that is even scary. I had an elderly aunt murdered by a so called "yard worker" that she was trusting . . . he murdered her. It's a sad world, but I hear ya, I know a bit about what you are going through. Why is it they don't want help? Maybe they are denying they are getting old and need supervision, that's all I can think of. Well, Nelly I hope you get some answers and help. It's challenging for us children of elderly, something I never thoguht I'd have to deal with, but now I know. My brother who lives away from her and myself, said we need to see if we can get the check book away from her, and take over paying her bills, but I offered her that I would pay her bills for her nicely, but she said she's "okay for now and doing alright". What do we do in this case? They just don't see it, they don't see that there are very untrusting people out there just waiting to get hold of what these elderly have in their bank accounts. I wish you all the best Nelly. I feel this is a great site for us to share our situations and get help and support, so best wishes. Avie

We do not live close by to watch her.