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Every day of my life... I have been off and on meds for years and my mother just thinks I'm crazy it hasn't and won't occur to her that most of it is caused from her. I deal with lots of anxiety and p ...Read More

Every day of my life... I have been off and on meds for years and my mother just thinks I'm crazy it hasn't and won't occur to her that most of it is caused from her. I deal with lots of anxiety and panic attacks. I'm sure when this role is said and done, I'll be said and done. It's the reality of it.
Try and address it as soon as you can, it probably won't go away, as long as you caregive. Guilt is a common trait of caregivers' depression.

I agree with the other daughters, it would be pointless to say anything. You'll just confirm to her, that you're "crazy" and she'll rival in it.
 ...Read More

I agree with the other daughters, it would be pointless to say anything. You'll just confirm to her, that you're "crazy" and she'll rival in it.
I am another daughter of a crazy mother that believes the world owes them a living. She is truely hateful and ugly and sometimes I'm convinced that she is the devil.

Your mother sounds a lot like my own. I also believe she's a narcissist and I am to the point that I hate her. I wish I could advice you as to what to do. My mother is also delusional, but coherent en ...Read More

Your mother sounds a lot like my own. I also believe she's a narcissist and I am to the point that I hate her. I wish I could advice you as to what to do. My mother is also delusional, but coherent enough that she has decided that she is going to be the way she is.
If anything, the only thing I can offer is to let you know that I am here. Personally, I find it a little comforting knowing there are others out there, that can relate to the "Mommy Dearest" syndrom.

Just a quick suggestion, but baby whipes are great for everything and it could make clean up easier.

Is it due to caregiving needs or could it be related to depression/anxiety? I have the latter of the two. I am off and on meds all the time. Unfortunately, I am very sensitive to chemicals, so when I ...Read More

Is it due to caregiving needs or could it be related to depression/anxiety? I have the latter of the two. I am off and on meds all the time. Unfortunately, I am very sensitive to chemicals, so when I tire of feeling like a zombie, I stop taking the junk.

Oh Lilli, I am a lot like you, just trying to figure out what's best for everyone. I only just found this board after years of feeling so very alone. I find it helps a little to know that there are ot ...Read More

Oh Lilli, I am a lot like you, just trying to figure out what's best for everyone. I only just found this board after years of feeling so very alone. I find it helps a little to know that there are others that feel the same way that I do.
Sometimes I find it hard to believe that there are daughters out there that have these great relationships with their mothers and I find myself jealous of them. So, I guess, it makes me more prone to be a bit negative about the caregiving situation, as a reflection of my own caregiving experience.
All I can say is best of luck to you and I hope you figure things out, to give you some piece of mind. :)

You know, I had been trying to get her insurance to get her a scooter and they won't cover it. I can't even get the crappy insurance to cover catheters! The catheter thing is just wrong on the insurance part. She's had sepsis from these filthy things.

Pamela, my mother is the same darn way about scooters and wheelchairs.

Successfully for them, sure, but to the caregiver, it can be very draining. I think you should start gathering information about different programs, to decide what is the best care.
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Successfully for them, sure, but to the caregiver, it can be very draining. I think you should start gathering information about different programs, to decide what is the best care.

Medicare alone may not cover much. My mother and I decided on Secure Horizons to pick up where Medicare falls short. Basically, Medicare pays Secure Horizons (which, I believe, is Pacificare) to cover the medical costs.

She has quite a bit of coverage, but not out-of-home care, unfortunately. It does cover hospital care and short-term convalescent care. They do provide some basics, like wheelcahairs (that don't fit through the doorways). As far as home modifications, that is solely up to you, unfortunately.

The type of care, your parent needs, can only be determined by what is best for both YOU and them. I stress the word "you" because it can be very draining and you really have to come first and this is a selfless act, if nothing else.

I think that's what it really boils down to. How old is your parent? Are they in the "last stages" or are they somewhat healthy with one or two ailments? The diseases, my mother has, drag on for years and that isn't something to take lightly. You give up your entire life for long-term care. When it's finally "over", you may find yourself alone and aging, yourself. Family, friends and the medical profession forget about the caregiver. You're left there to pick up the pieces.


My mother has multiple sclerosis, congestive heart failure, osteoporosis, arthritis and spondilosis (Good god, I could be missing something). Considering how bad she is, she can move around in a wheelchair, but she has been in and out of the hospital too many times to count. She broke her foot and that required me to literally transfer her everywhere, with my bad back.
I've been doing this seven years (longer if you count certain things from chilhood), following my father's death. I am literally her nurse and parent. To list all of what she needs, could take days, as it would for any long-term caregiver. Bedsores, cleaning up "accidents" and becomming a personal taxi, are to name just a few.

Depending upon the amount of care, your parent requires, I'd even check into a reverse mortgage (if your parent owns or is close to owning their home), to help pay for outside care. What you may not see as a "value" now, you may see it different, after a couple of years. Just keep every possible option open. In my persoonal experience, I am starting to see other options and wished I had went that route.

Your mom is giving you a guilt trip. They are real good at using it with their daughters. My mother uses it on me every day and it pisses me off, because it's just more selfishish and childish behavio ...Read More

Your mom is giving you a guilt trip. They are real good at using it with their daughters. My mother uses it on me every day and it pisses me off, because it's just more selfishish and childish behavior that goes along with their brainwashing.

If there is anything I've learned (the hard way) from the caregiving nightmare, it's that my mother will get over it, if I don't bend.

Trust me, your mother will get over it, if not, then you're better off. Once you get into caring for your mother, you begin to drown and lose all sense of whom you are. Your mother will see to it. The longer you're in, the harder it is to get out.

My mother was in one for a month. It was nightmarish. She was the only one that was coherent and the head nurse was extremely negative.
Unfortunately, I think "in home" nursing isn't any better. ...Read More

My mother was in one for a month. It was nightmarish. She was the only one that was coherent and the head nurse was extremely negative.
Unfortunately, I think "in home" nursing isn't any better. The nurses are usually 500 lbs. (sorry, but it's true) and won't lift a finger. They tell me how to do "their" job. The last straw was having them come in to help her transfer and shower because she broke her foot. My back just couldn't take lifting her everywhere. Well, the nurses came and I ended up doing more work, with them there, than I would have, without them. These people get paid to dictate a job you already know how to do. Nursing is a joke.

My fear, with these caregivers, is that they are actually suspect. These caregivers that are "overly caring", a lot of times, are actually fraudulent. At any rate, I'd definately do my own criminal ba ...Read More

My fear, with these caregivers, is that they are actually suspect. These caregivers that are "overly caring", a lot of times, are actually fraudulent. At any rate, I'd definately do my own criminal background check. They could be nothing more than gold diggers looking to horn-in on the will. You hear stranger things.

Marie, how strange my mother went through the very same symptoms a few years back. Considering her potassium, don't let the docs brush it off. In later years, I found out she has Congestive heart fail ...Read More

Marie, how strange my mother went through the very same symptoms a few years back. Considering her potassium, don't let the docs brush it off. In later years, I found out she has Congestive heart failure. I attribute it to the potassium thing, that was over-looked. Certain meds can make potassium drop and this can lead to failure. Her antibiotics could have even caused this.
There are so many things that are just being uncovered about the harm some meds (including anibiotics) can cause. The antibiotics could even be confusing her. My mother is allergic to Cipro. Reactions can cause confusion. It made her completely out of it.

Your sister thinks it's terrible that you get money while she sits and dictates? Well, isn't that the typical uncaring family memeber role...
Whomever said "blood is thicker than water", obvious ...Read More

Your sister thinks it's terrible that you get money while she sits and dictates? Well, isn't that the typical uncaring family memeber role...
Whomever said "blood is thicker than water", obviously wasn't a caregiver.
I've cut myself off from family, they do nothing for me or my peace of mind. My family is my son and husband. Honestly, the wrest are dead to me. To me, that's about as good as forgiving gets, when I don't have to deal with them anymore. :)

I saw this on the news. Some governemtn official (sorry, I don't follow politics, so I am not too informed) ran it by Obama.

I too wonder about the money, but we need a total over-haul on h ...Read More

I saw this on the news. Some governemtn official (sorry, I don't follow politics, so I am not too informed) ran it by Obama.

I too wonder about the money, but we need a total over-haul on healthcare, in general. Nixon got us into this crappy healthcare system and they all promise to fix it, but nothing gets done. The government loves the tax dollars these huge healthcare plans, provide, so it will stay this way. Premiums go up, when the government demands more money from them, but that little bit of info gets withheld.

I'm not worried about my mother's healthcare so much. Medicare and medicare-based plans are better than my own insurance. I worry more about people that haven't anything at all and premiums, in general.

As far as adult, daycare, in-home aids and transportation goes...you know I would love to be more positive, but even if it did go through (it probably won't), it wouldn't be quality or just a hassle. I already deal/dealt with these things and I just don't see these things useful, anyhow. I find them frustrating, but if you think it will work for you, more power to you.


Transpotation: will be based on routing scheduals (RTA and some medical facilities offer disabled vans btw). Working this around doc appts aren't fun.

Adult daycare: only enough time for you to get your groceries every once in a while. There will be more schedualing conflictions and the people that they will send, I wouldn't have watch my dog, let alone my mother. They won't have any certifications and may even steal from you.

In-home aid: Very limiting, as to what they will do. They may run laundry (big whoop), but most are very lazy and won't do bed transfers or not very often. If you're lucky enough to get a nurse, she might run vitals, while coaching you on "caregiving", while they watch. They also, only like to follow their own schedualing. They are useless, in my book.

Sorry, I can't edit my post.
I meant to say: It seems the temp work ran out and before then, it was retail.

I forgot to mention that I am looking into doing hospital filing, but they w ...Read More

Sorry, I can't edit my post.
I meant to say: It seems the temp work ran out and before then, it was retail.

I forgot to mention that I am looking into doing hospital filing, but they want experience in something that I've already proved I can do (passed the exams they provide). Here's to crossing my fingers.

That's a tough one. My father died from heart failure and now my mother has it.

I got on the computer and printed out all the info I could about their illness and gave it to them. I highlig ...Read More

That's a tough one. My father died from heart failure and now my mother has it.

I got on the computer and printed out all the info I could about their illness and gave it to them. I highlighted the biggest points of interest. Really, it's the best you can do. From there, let them decide what to do with it.

Both my father's and my mother's first symptoms was water in the lungs. My father had total pneumonia, when they caught it.
My mother kept compaining of shortness of breath, that I thought was anxiety.

They sound like they are truely in denial. It's sad because there are drugs out there that can halt the progression.

Oh man. My husband, son and I moved into my mother's home. My brother still lives here.

If your marriage is strained in anyway, this could end it. Not to be negative, but as other have said ...Read More

Oh man. My husband, son and I moved into my mother's home. My brother still lives here.

If your marriage is strained in anyway, this could end it. Not to be negative, but as other have said, you'll have no privacy. You can't have any relations without feeling like a dirty teenager and you can't have an argument (relating to the extra strain) without everyone knowing about it.

My husband and I had a horrible marriage to begin with, so we ended up splitting a for a few months. The biggest reason I took him back, was from fear of dying alone, after my mother is gone. That is one of the hugest fears a caregiver can face.


If nothing else, realize that your spouse is going to be in turmoil. They are going to be broke between "honor thy father and mother" to "honor thy husband/spouse". How confusing is that?


The inlaw/parent will still try to play that parental role, while your spouse will be the one that's truely parenting.

After years and years of it, the caregiver becomes a shell of a person. After dedicating your life to someone for so long, you don't know where to pick up the pieces after the role is finally over. a lot of time caregivers die not long after. Very rewarding.

Loving daughter hit it on the head.

I am just venting and want to know if there is any other person with this same situation.
I started caring for my mother (she's 57), seven years ago, following my father's death. My mother was di ...Read More

I am just venting and want to know if there is any other person with this same situation.
I started caring for my mother (she's 57), seven years ago, following my father's death. My mother was diagnosed with M.S., some 20 or 25 years ago. SHe now has heart failure that I'm sure the meds and her past drinking has caused.

I moved into my parents home, following my father's death. My father was an abusive alcoholic and my mother is very cold and manipulative. She would have drinks with him on top of her heavy meds. I was the "peace maker" and would try and protect my mother and brother from my father's physical and psychological abuse.
My mother's alcohol-drug coctail left me cleaning up biological messes that my father wouldn't tend to, when I was a young teen.

Before my father died, I made peace with him and we had become somewhat close, but that was only after/because I moved out.
My mother, on the other hand, just refuses to be close with me. I've cried and pleaded with her, but she acts like I'm the one that's crazy. It's not exagerating to say she hates/dislikes me. I literally catch her in lies and and she manipulates me into feeling guity, when I call her on her behavior. She likes to spend hours watching t.v. and then complains about how she never goes anywhere (guilt trip), when I offer all the time.

After my father died she deliberately decided to go from using a walker here and there, to complete dependance on the wheelchair. Her docs have told her she's capable of more, but she refuses. She refuses psychologial assistance and those related medications that she totally needs.

Here I am, 7 years into this and there doesn't seem to be any light. I have been living in her home 6 out of those seven years, along with my (now 14-year-old) son and husband.

Being in this house has stirred up nothing, but darkess (both from her and the imprint of the house, itself) and I don't know how much more I can take of it.

My mother isn't a very nice person, and she has her 31-year-old son (my brother), still living here. He does't do much and he's just as controlling and manipulating as both of my parents are/were. His lack of assistance is why I moved in. He is my mother's pride and joy. It's a very disgusting and sick thing that they have going on. They feed off of each others' negativity. My mother has put this boy on the pedistal that she put my father on. My bother is just as controlling, to the point of being scarey. He's a very dark and manipulative person and I don't trust him. He is truely what my parents created and I honestly think he's a sociopath, incapable of feeling. He doesn't work and he acts like a teenager. He hangs out with the potheads infront of the house(he's doing it too, I'm sure).

My brother knows how to work her and she will only listen to his warped sense of reality. I could tell her something and she won't listen and ten minutes later he will tell her the same thing and she acts like it's news.

I, myself, have been to a psych and he has adviced me to get out and try to find someone to care for her, but her insurance only covers in-home nurses that don't do their job.

I have arthritis caused from spondilosis, in my back...so, I just don't know how much more I can do. The nurses would only come for a few hours and watch me do their job. Complaining did nothing, but send other nurses with the same lazy work ethics.

I can't afford extended care either, so I don't know what to do. I want to get out, but the guilt is there, my not working and having the lack of skills (because all I've done is caregive) has made it near-impossible for my husband and I to get us out of here.

I tuely feel doomed. I've done this since I was 26 and I feel like I've put my mother before my own family and I feel guity for that too. My husband and I sleep in a room-addition that leaks in the winter. I fear for my son, with all the drug activity outside. The cops do nothing!

My mother's nagging is killing my son's spirit, like she has my own. I find myself not being that goofy light-hearted mom, that I use to be.
All in all, I'm just tired and wished so many times that I could find someone to relate too. I feel isolated from my peers. I don't feel I relate to anyone. I am the one that people go to for advice, I just wish I had someone to go to for advice or look up too, for once. I've had to grow up so fast, that I just dream of of what it's like to have been young.

I've shut myself off from extended family, I feel they are pointless human beings, as far my mother goes. The family gave the impression that I "should" be caring for her, while they tried to dictate how I should be the dutiful daughter. The fact of the matter is, they don't want anything to do with her because she is bitter.
I also get the "you're a great daughter" and "god is good to caregivers" from outsiders and even her own doctors. Seriously, how does that help me now? Do they really believe that and am I bad person for questioning it? I truely want to believe those things, but this feels more like punishment, than anything else.

My favorite is when someone tells me "you take good care of her" crap (like I'm not doing it?) and "how's your mom doing", when she isn't right next to me.

They may mean well or feel like they don't know what to say, when the best thing is to say nothing about it at all, or maybe ask how I am doing.