Jacqueline Marcell

Hello again, I am in so much mental anguish, you would not believe. I will try to make this short.
My mother has been in a NH almost 5 months now. I totally wish I had chose a different one. From the start I have had nothing but problems.. the biggest was the nh had not switched her medicaid over to "nursing home" medicaid...and was billing me . So I was taking the little ssi income I had and tried to pay the monthly extra $634. That led me to visit the SSI office , explain to them my dilemma...hoping honesty meant something , hoping they would increase my mothers small check of 611 a month inorder to pay her NH bills. Instead, a very cruel cold person took the check totally away..out of my hands and started sending it to the nh. As though I was a criminal. After numerous visits over the months to the ssi office, another worker "cleared" up the problems. Still sending the check to the NH...making the NH bill medicaid, and pay me back 1/2 of 1,000 i paid out of my pocket. So at this moment, The medicaidis still waiting to go into effect. I was reimbursed 689 of 1,000 dollars...and was told thats all I will get back. I recently found out that my mothers SSI check was changed..cancelled. She will no longer be a SSI recipent..she is on SDI now(?) and her check amount is now $83.00. The NH WILL GET $53.00 OF THAT.
I am so torn...why? how can they do this? IS THIS A NORMAL PROCEDURE? For social security to throw a person away like this?
My mother is even more disabled than she was before! How can she only recieve $83.00!
AND HONESTLY...I DO NOT LIKE THIS PLACE..I WOULD LIKE TO MOVE HER...HOW CAN i DO THAT ..WITH HER HAVING A INCOME OF $83.00??
This NH and the SS has truly made a bad situation horreffic. I am looking for work...and trying to deal with my reality...trying to deal with the pain and anquish of loosing my mother...the only one Ive ever known.
No body seems to beable to tell me if ANYTHING can be done...why does this feel soooooooooo wrong!?
I need help, wisdom please.

Hello all.
I am a 42 yr old only child, who is trying to do everything for a mom who has alzheimer and is getting worse and worse.
I am being verbally abused ...this afternoon I bawled for hours. I have always been a victim of verbal abuse...now its amplifiede.I have no help , no family....I have depression --i was doing well for 9 years, I fought for my health back, but this has made me fall back ..i am feeling ill and depressed. My emotions are torn up.My momz and I were sooooooooo close, she was a battered wife ( and abused child) who protected me much of my life. We where each others back up...now shes turning into my enemy. She gets so enraged when I tell her shes forgotten something, she calls me a liar, she cusses me, she threatens me...PHYSICALLY...and has attacked me...scratched me in the face....I was a cheerful , positive person in the past year....I had to be to live through all of the tradgedys I have...NOW i am sad and alone.( friends have abannoned me)I have made a new friend here however!( smile) I know I must do something ...and fast...I can barely make it through a day( around her).

I just cant seem to do anything but take the abuse and cry ( and loose my health) over it.
Why cant I just wake up , and put her in a assisted living home?nO ONE CAN HAVE THAT MUCH GUILT?!
I dont want to let myself...sacrafice myself....does that make sense? Even though I know it will be the best for both of us.
Someone here said "you have to go with your mind...not what your heart says"

I know it will be world war 3...shes told me, she will physically fight me like a pit bull. AND SHE WILL.

How do I get someone like that in a home? she will be nice to everyone there however!!!! Shes sooooooooooo kind and considerate to everyone else- NOT ME.

She has accused me of trying to steal her home ( which is also mine-joint ownershp) her money, she seems to hate me for no reason at times. AND I AM THE ONLY IDIOT HERE , WITH HER TRYING TO HELP HER!!

I'LL BE HAPPY FOR ANY ENCOURAGING WORDS OF ADVICE.
Thank you guys!

Sabrina/Bree

As you all know , I am going through hell ( join the club , right?) My mind KNOWS, I need to end the abuse and torture I am recieving from a alzheimers enraged,denial clinging mother. But my ( stupid) heart ....seems to keep saying just take it. I know that this emotional turmoil will slowly kill me...I know she needs better care than what I can give her. I know that if I can manage to movemy feet and get her into a assisted care/nursing home SHE just maybe be happy in the long run...and I certainly know I will be!
So WTF!( SORRY) IS WRONG WITH ME!?
Why can I say enough already, and care enough about me and do something.
I think its because I am used to seeing her take abuse from my dad, and putting up with his behavior for years...so I am repeating it.
A friend says I have tremendous guilt, that I think a nursing home is a bad thing... and maybe that is true...but a lot of it is that I am alone and lost....and just cant seem to find my way out of the jungle. I wish I had someone to take me by the hand ( literally) and lead me the way I must go. I dont.... AND I NEED TO SNAP OUT OF THIS....I NEED TO GET UNSTUCK.

two days ago i wrote on your wall, and i keep looking for an answer. could you please answer me
tranquility

I LIVE IN N.C., AND 2 1/2 YRS AGO, MY ELDERLY MOTHER, 89 YRS OLD, AND STEP FATHER OF 21 YRS, WHO IS 97 YRS OLD MOVED FROM NEW YORK, TWO MINUTES FROM ME, SO I COULD BE OF HELP. AT THE TIME WHEN IT WAS MY STEP FATHER WHO WANTED TO MOVE CLOSER TO ME AND MY HUSBAND, I DID NOT KNOW THAT THEY BOTH HAVE DEMENTIA. HAVE TO SAY ALTHOUGH, MY STEP FATHER IS OLDER THAN MY MOTHER HIS COGNITIVE STATE WAS BETTER THAN MY MOTHER. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN EXTREMELY CLOSE TO MY MOTHER, AND WE HAD A GREAT RELATIONSHIP FOR MANY YEARS. THEY LIVE IN A BEAUTIFUL CONDO 2 MINUTES FROM ME BY CAR, AND IT REALLY WASN'T UNTIL THEY MOVED CLOSER TO ME THAT I REALLY SAW ALL THE CHANGES IN MY MOTHER. PRIOR TO THEIR MOVING, I NOTICED MY MOTHER WAS A LITTLE CRANKY WHEN I SPOKE TO HER ON THE PHONE, AND A FEW OTHER BEHAVIORIAL CHANGES, BUT THOUGHT SHE IS GETTING OLDER, AND THIS JUST COMES WITH IT. I HAVE 3 SIBLINGS, WHO NOW, NO LONGER LIVE IN NEW YORK, BUT EVEN WHEN THEY DID, THEY DID NOT PUT ANY EFFORT OR TIME IN TO HAVING ANY KIND OF RELATIONSHIP. FOR THE MOST PART, FOR XMAS, THEY WOULD BE A DELIVERY OF FLOWERS, ETC. FOR A HOLIDAY, AND MAYBE A CARD, BUT THAT WAS WHERE THEIR OBLIGATION AND CARING BEGAN AND ENDED. NOW THAT THEY ARE LIVING CLOSE TO ME, AND I NOW KNOW THEY BOTH HAVE DEMENTIA, WHICH IS SO OBVIOUS, IF YOU ARE AROUND THEM, MY MOTHER AND I NO LONGER HAVE THE RELATIONSHIP WE ONCE HAD. SHE HAS FORGOTTEN ALL THE THINGS I HAVE DONE FOR HER MY ENTIRE LIFE, AND IS NOW SAYING CRUEL THINGS TO ME. SHE HAS FRONTAL LOBE DEMENTIA, AND IS NOW SCREAMING AND YELLING AT ME FOR THINGS OUT OF THE BLUE, ACCUSING ME OF ALL SORTS OF THINGS. FOR THE LAST 21/2 YRS BOTH ME AND MY HUSBAND HAVE BEEN JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS NOT ONLY FOR HER, BUT MY STEP FATHER, TRYING TO MAKE THEM HAPPY AND CONTENT. AT TIMES, AT THE MOMENT I AM DOING FOR HER SHE IS APPRECIATIVE, BUT AS TIME GOES BY SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER HOW GOOD BOTH ME AND MY HUSBAND HAVE BEEN TO THEM. HE IS NOT EVEN MY FATHER, AND HAS NO FAMILY LEFT, BUT OUT OF RESPECT AND LOVE FOR MY MOTHER, WE HAVE TAKEN ON ALL THE RESPONSIBILITIES FOR HIM TOO. HE TOO SEEMS TO TAKE IT ALL FOR GRANTED, AND ACCUSES BOTH ME AND MY HUSBAND OF ALL SORTS OF THINGS. MY MOTHER'S WALKING IS ALSO VERY BAD, AND THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR AT LEAST 8 TO 10 YRS AND EACH YEAR HAS GOTTEN PROGRESSIVELY WORSE. HER BALANCE AND GAIT IS TERRIBLE, AND WHILE THEY LIVED IN NEW YORK, THAT WAS ONE OF THE THINGS I WORRIED ABOUT. WHEN THEY MOVED TO N.C., WHERE I LIVE, ONE OF THE FIRST THINGS I DID WAS BUY HER A VERY GOOD WALKER. IF SHE USES THE WALKER, SHE WALKS VERY WELL, BUT HATES TO USE IT, AS IT IS A REMINDER OF WHAT SHE IS NO LONGER CAPABLE OF DOING. MY STEP FATHER HAS MACULAR DEGENERATION, AND LEGALLY BLIND IN BOTH EYES. HE MAKES A BAD SITUATION EVEN WORSE BY TELLING MY MOTHER THAT IF SHE USES THE WALKER, SHE WILL BECOME DEPENDENT ON IT, AND THE SUBMISSIVE, NON-OPINIONATED SHE ALWAYS WAS, AND NOW WORSE, SHE LISTENS TO EVERYTHING MY STEP FATHER SAYS. IN FACT, I KNOW THAT HE INCITES HER ABOUT THINGS, AND THEN SHE GETS ALL AGITATED, AND SCREAMS AND YELLS AT ME. SHE HAS BROUGHT ME TO TEARS SO MANY TIMES, BUT IT DOESN'T SEEM TO EVEN BOTHER HER. I AM SO HURT, BUT I DO KNOW IT IS THE DISEASE. WHEN SHE GETS SOMETHING IN HER MIND, SHE CALLS MY SIBLINGS, AND TELLS THEM ALL SORTS OF THINGS ABOUT ME, AND THEY BELIEVE HER, AS THEY NEVER SPEND ANY TIME WITH HER, OR TALK VERY LONG TO HER, SO SHE IS NOT DEMONSTRATING THIS BEHAVIOR TO THEM. SHE HAS TOLD MY HUSBAND THAT WE SHOULD BOTH DIE AND GO TO HELL. I RECENTLY TOLD HER WHAT SHE SAID TO MY HUSBAND, AND SHE SAID HE IS LIEING, AND SHE NEVER SAID THAT. DON'T KNOW IF SHE REALLY DOESN'T REMEMBER OR COVERING UP FOR HER BAD BEHAVIOR AS SHE CAN BE VERY MANIPULATIVE TO GET WHAT SHE WANTS. MY HUSBAND SAYS, MY MOTHER KNOWS HOW TO PLAY ME, AS I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN AT HER BECK AND CALL, AND MY MOTHER KNOWS IT. DEPRESSION, SADNESS, CRYING ALL THE TIME, NOT WANTING TO DO ANYTHING OR GO ANYWHERE, AND THE DESIRE TO ISOLATE MYSELF FROM EVERYONE HAS GOTTEN SO BAD, THAT I AM ON TWO ANTI-DEPRESSANTS. MY SIBLINGS WANT TO KNOW NOTHING AND HEAR NOTHING, AND BECAUSE OF WHAT MY MOTHER HAS SAID TO THEM ABOUT ME AND MY HUSBAND HAS CAUSED A BREAK IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. I AM 62 YRS OLD, ONE BROTHER IS 69, AND THE OTHER IS 64, AND A SISTER THAT IS 50 YRS OLD. WE NEVER HAD A FALLING OUT ALL THESE YRS. WE HAVE NEVER SUFFOCATED ONE ANOTHER IN THAT THEIR LIVES WAS THEIRS TO LIVE, AND DID NOT LIVE CLOSE TO ONE ANOTHER, BUT WHEN WE DID SEE ONE ANOTHER, IT WAS LIKE, WE PICKED UP WHERE WE LEFT OFF. I AM DEVASTATED AND SHOCKED OVER THEIR VERBAL ABUSE TO ME AND MY HUSBAND. WHEN I MOVED THEM FROM N.Y. TO N.C., SOLD THEIR HOUSE, BOUGHT THE CONDO, AND A MILLION OTHER THINGS THAT HAD TO BE DONE WHEN YOU MOVE FROM ONE STATE TO ANOTHER, I NEVER ASKED THEM TO DO ONE THING, AS THEY LET ME KNOW RIGHT FROM THE BEGINNING, THEY WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH CAREGIVING, AND DID NOT WANT TO GIVE UP ANY OF THEIR TIME FROM THEIR LIVES. MY OLDEST BROTHER TOLD ME HE WAS NOT OUT FOR A CRUSADE. DIDN'T KNOW OUR MOTHER WAS A CRUSADE. ANYWAY, I DID IT ALL MYSELF WITH THE HELP OF MY HUSBAND, WHO IS SO GOOD AND SUPPORTIVE. THEY ARE SO MEAN TO HIM ALSO. IF THEY ARE NOT VERBALLY ABUSING ME, AND SO TO SPEAK LIKING MY HUSBAND, THEN THEY ARE VERBALLY ABUSING MY HUSBAND, AND SO SPEAK LIKING ME. I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING TO MAKE THEIR LIVES COMFORTABLE, AND SAFE. AS THINGS WERE GETTING WORSE AND WORSE, AND I WAS BECOMING MORE AND MORE ILL, I DECIDED TO GET OUTSIDE HELP. I HAVE A CAREGIVER COMING IN TWICE A WEEK FOR 3 HOURS. SHE TAKES MY MOTHER FOOD SHOPPING, DOES SOME CLEANING, AND ON THE SECOND DAY, TAKES THEM TO THE SENIOR CENTER. THAT ONE WAS VERY, VERY DIFFICULT TO GET THEM TO ACCEPT, BUT SLOWLY THEY DID, AND THEY HAVE BECOME TO LIKE, AND DEVELOP A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH THE CAREGIVER. THANK GOD!!!!!! EVEN THROUGH THIS HELL I AM LIVING, BOTH MY HUSBAND AND I STILL TAKE THEM TO DOCTORS, MAKE SURE THEY HAVE THEIR MEDICATION, PAY THEIR BILLS, AND MAKE SURE THEY ARE SAFE. I ALSO GOT MY MOTHER LIFE LINE. THEY HAVE BOTH CAUSED ME TO BECOME SO ILL THAT I COULD NOT FUNCTION ANYMORE. I FOUND THE LESS I WAS AROUND THEM, THAT I WAS EMOTIONALLY, AND MENTALLY GETTING BETTER. I AM NO LONGER THEIR MYSELF FOR ALL THEIR WANTS, NEEDS AND DEMANDS, AS I KNOW I WAS GETTING SO SICK. I FEEL SO GUILTY THAT I NO LONGER FEEL THE SAME WAY I DID ABOUT MY MOTHER. THIS IS NOT MY MOTHER, AND I DO KNOW IT IS THE DEMENTIA, BUT I HAVE TO START TO THINK ABOUT ME. I HAVE NO SUPPORT FROM MY SIBLINGS, AND EVEN THOUGH THEY DO NOTHING, AND NEVER DID, MY MOTHER THINKS THEY ARE SO GREAT. I READ EXTENSIVELY ON DEMENTIA, AND ATTEND ADEMENTIA SUPPORT GROUP, WHICH DOES HELP. THIS IS A TERRIBLE DISEASE!!!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR ME, AND SHOULD I STOP FEELING SO GUILTY THAT I CAN NO LONGER BE THERE FOR THEM THE WAY I DID IN THE BEGINNING WHEN THEY MOVED TO N.C.? AS I SAID, STAYING AWAY SOMEWHAT, AND NOT BEING SUBJECTED TO THE CONSTANT VERBAL ABUSE AND UNTRUE ACCUSATIONS HAS MADE ME FEEL SOMEWHAT BETTER. I WILL HAVE THEM FOR XMAS DINNER, IF THEY WANT TO COME, AND WOULD NEVER NOT INVITE THEM, AS I COULD NOT LIVE WITH MYSELF IF THEY WERE ALONE, AND I KNOW MY SIBLINGS WOULD NOT MAKE ANY EFFORT TO SHARE A HOLIDAY WITH THEM. TWO OF MY SIBLINGS LIVE IN VA., AND THE OLDEST BROTHER, WHO IS THE PRODICAL SON, LIVES IN GEORGIA, HOWEVER, THEY COULD TAKE TURNS AND SHARE A HOLIDAY OR EVEN SPEND SOME TIME WITH THEM, BUT THEY WILL NOT. AM I DOING THE RIGHT THING BY NOT BEING THEIR PHYSICALLY AS MUCH AS I WAS, AS I DO NOT WANT TO GO BACKWARDS, AND GET AS SICK AS I WAS. I APPRECIATE ANY ADVICE YOU CAN GIVE ME.
TRANQUILITY

JM--your book Elder Rage was sent to me by a Home Care provider whom I had contacted to help me with Long Distance Caregiving for my mom who was diagnosed with AD. My father, like yours, insisted he would "take care of her" and "didn't need any help from outsiders". I am an only child. Change a few names and locations in your story and it could have been written by me. Your book opened my eyes and really helped me understand what I was dealing with. God Bless You! And thanks for helping with this Agingcare site. My parents are both gone now and the emotional scars are beginning to heal. I can only say that unless someone has experienced what we have, there is no way they would believe parents could be so cruel.