Stress Relief for the Caregiver

The burden of being on call 24/7 for my parent is too much. And frequently providing help requires me to accept abusive treatment- unintentional, yet hurtful. I have found that although it requires me to cut my sleep hours, getting up for a 5:30 a.m. exercise class has kept me sane. I was never a big fan, but now I am addicted to both the company of my early morning companions and the exercise high.

I can truly understand your 24/7 burden. I have both my parents living at an assisted living. They've been there for over 2 years, and their problems are increasing and worsening as they age. I have to keep myself sane because my father fights me on anything and everything I need to do to help him. He won't accept his health problems and rationalizes everything.

I need to take over his bill paying, and he still wants to be part of the process, but for health reasons, I cannot do it "his" way. I can't go see him every week and spend numerous hours to pay 5 bills or so. He has to trust me like he's never trusted me before. Fortunately, both my parents have signed general durable powers of attorney so I have the right to do whatever it takes to benefit them. I have absolutely no family support other than my husband. There is so much I can expect him to do for my parents, but he is always willing to lend a helping hand.

I must resume my walking regime because that is the stress reliever that works best for me. I also have to involve myself in more community activities to meet people and have pleasure in life.

I've just been a caregiver for 11 months now since the death of my father. My mother is diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease. I am living with her in her home and struggling to find out how to go about getting just in-home, non-medical care for her so that I can have some time off just to go back home to be with my husband, who lives in another state, for a week and also to care for my son after he has shoulder surgery for a few days who also lives in another state.

It is getting overwhelming to say the least. I have siblings who are using their vacation days and sick days to help out, but that resource gets used up quickly as well. As for day care facilities, we don't have that resource here, so I'm trying to get in-home care for the days I will be away.

That process is becoming a nightmare for me, because of all requirements needed to get this in action and then possibly be denied because of some technicality that wasn't explained in the first place or misunderstood or misquoted by the benefits department.

I need to make some plans for a daily regime when I can finally get all this in place, if it ever gets in place.

WE TOOK OUT A REVERSE MORTGAGE ON OUR PARENT'S HOME IN ORDER TO HIRE A 24HOUR LIVE-IN CAREGIVER 7 DAYS A WEEK.OUOUR MOTHER HAS ALZHEIMERS AND FATHER HAS DEMENTIA.

FOOD, I can understand why you took out the reverse mortgage to get your parents the help they needed so badly. Sometimes we have to do things no matter what it takes. At least now, you will have some peace of mind and have much less stress. There is just so much one person can do! Good luck with everything.

My granny is 87, I have been her best friend, and assistant for as long as I can remember. I helped care for my grand father, I helped care for my mother. My granny spent 2 visits in the hospital and it has taken it's toll on her. It is hard to see her in such bad shape. She seems to be depessed. I can understand why. My uncle resents me because my granny and I are so close. I have 2 children ages 3&5. I have moved in with my granny to take care of her needs. I am obligated to my businness at a min. of 3 days a week. It was 5 days but I have stopped to take care of her. The rest of the time I am here. Ihave more but have to go take care of granny.

i UNDERSTAND THE RESENTMENT YOUR GRANDFATHER HAS TOWARDS YOU.
HE PROBABLY DOES NOT UNDER STAND THAT OR HE THINKS THAT YOU MOVING IN ON HIS TERRITORY AR TAKING OVER THEIR HOUSEHOLD, NOT REALIZING THAT YOU CARE FOR YOU GRANNY AND LOVE HER VERY MUCH. YOUR GRANNY IS VERY LUCKY TO HAVE YOU!I JUST ATTENDED A SEMINAR ON TAKING CARE OF OUR RELATIVES WITH DEMENTIA AND ALZHEIMERS. THE SPEAKER WROTE A BOOK
"LEARNING TO SPEAK ALZHEIMERS" A VERY TOUCHING TRUE STORY ABOUT HER LIFE AND HER HUSBAND WHO HAD ALZHEIMERS AT 46YEARS OLD! hER NAME IS JOANNE COSTE AND I WOULD HIGHLY RECOMMEND THAT GET THE BOOK; SHE SPOKE ABOUT CAREGIVERS GETTING BURNOUT AND ILLNESS FROM CARETAKING. SO I WOULD SUGGEST THAT TRY TO FIND SOMEONE IN YOUR FAMILY OR AN OUTSIDE CAREGIVER WHO CAN GIVE YOU SOME RELIEF TO TAKE OF YOURSELF AND YOUR SMALL CHILDREN.GOD BLESS YOU AND GIVE YOU STRENGTH AND GUIDEANCE.

It truly is a blessing to find other people who understand what all of us are going through. My mom has always been such a loving, caring person, but now she is hateful(only to me) and I am the one with most of the responsibility. I try not to take it personally, but it really is difficult. I have hired caretakers to spend the nite every nite, but I basically do everything else for her i.e. cook, buy groceries, pay bills, give her baths, clean her house. I am a widow, myself, so I have no one at home. It is a gift of love for her, but really a thankless one since she doesn't even realize how much I really do and that's okay. Working at a fulltime job and doing these things for her, I really have no time for myself. I know that I will have no regrets though, when she dies. She is 92 this year and even though sometimes I am overwhelmed, I love her dearly. I try to remember what a wonderful mom she has been and that just because she has all these problems now, that doesn't matter as much as knowing that somewhere deep inside, I know she still loves me and that she can't help what has happened to her.

Lindalee,

You certainly are in an overwhelming situation - taking care of your mom and working full time. I give you so much credit. My best girlfriend's mother treats her like your mom treats you, very hateful and she gets so angry. My friend gets so frustrated that she has thrown and broken several telephones into the wall. She herself has so many health problems that cause her so much pain.

What I tell her and which I recommend for you, is to always take care of yourself first , and then your mom. In my own situation, I have two elderly parents in an assisted living facility and my father has been extremely difficult and stubborn to deal with. I can't argue with him, but if I disagree I get so emotionally upset and start to cry. I can only handle seeing them once or twice a week. They now have a live in aide to help them 24/7 so I can feel they are in "good hands." I now take care of all their financial needs, using their money, not mine.

Hello, I'm needing to share something and know I'll feel better after i do(alwayshelps): I'm a live-in caregiver for a lady with Parkinsons, and I really care about her,from my heart. i believe that matters quite a bit. I don't have any certification. Tried to get CNA, (back trouble after autoaccident kept me from it), but I'm very intelligent and compassionate. Recently, the family felt they had to hire Medcal staff, so that put me at a disadvantage. I actually woul've had only 2 days a week, if not for the lady requesting me to be on no less than 3 days or more. When the nurse arrived for an interview, she acted kind of snobby. Amongst other issues I don't have time to reveal, she continues to verbally put me down. I'm 54 yrs. old and have done this for ten+ yrs. and but still feel like i'm not important to them now. so in the meantime(I'm going for my CNA) how should I deal with this person the right way? the family has asked us to not quibble over stuff, so I have to listen to her most days with her hurtful comments(even knocking my inteligence). Unfortunately I'm a sensitive person, or I'd ignore her. thanks for suggestions.

You certainly can't argue with her as you will never win and only feel worse. I worked with a co-worker who sat in the station next to mine who watched every move I made, always putting me down too, and it really hurt me inside. I began to lose my temper with her since my supervisor conveniently never heard the co-worker who was so mean spirited yet spoke so softly, I guess so no one else could hear her.
I finally did leave that job because I had to deal with other negative people daily and they became very "toxic" to me.

I realized afterwards that I should have just stopped talking to her and ignoring her each and every time she put me down. I truly think she wanted to get me all out of sorts and wanted me to cry. I will never forget her, but I would have dealt with her differently if I had had a second try.

We really have to avoid toxic people and from now on, I believe that every time she tries to put you down or speaks with a "tone" or is so negative to you, just walk away, even for a few short minutes. Eventually she will get the idea, and you will not have caused her any ill will.

Hang in there, keep your positive attitude, give yourself a pat on the back and remember it is her, not you!

i FEEL YOUR HURT AND WOULD ADVISE OR SUGGEST THAT YOU SPEAK TO THE NURSE IN PRIVATE TO TELL HOW YOU FEEL AND THAT YOU TRULY CARE FOR THE PERSON YOU ARE BOTH TAKING CARE OF. SOME PEOPLE WHO HAVE MORE EDUCATION MAY FEEL MORE IMPORTNAT BUT YOU HAVE BEEN IN THE CAREGIVING FIELD FOR A LONG TIME!IT IS UNFORTUNATE THAT YOU HURT YOUR BACK.
I PRAY THAT YOU WILL HAVE THE STRENGTH TO CONTINUE IN THE CAREGIVING AND TO PURSUE A CNA DEGREE. IF THE NURSE CONTINUES TO GIVE YOU A HARD TIME, I WOULD SUGGEST PURSUING WORKING FOR OTHER CAREGIVING AGENCIES.
YOU HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH TO BE ABLE TO TAKE CARE OF OTHERS. KEEP US UPDATED!I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU.

i dont know were to start i feel so alone and so mad. my 19 year old son had a stroke going on 4 years. he cant talk are move he lives in a shell. i spend all my time taking care of him. and that i will do. but it get so hard when all i do is everthing he wants and he is always mad at me. the thing he is not mad with what has happend to him he says god is with him. but with me he makes it so hard. i have lost the loving son that i had. he is nothing like he was his mind is somewhere else and in that i find peace that at least he is not full aware of things. its just i dont know what to do with all this hurt and pain. i have no family out here. i just sit at home everday and take care of him. we had people to take care of him but he ran them out. when gabriel see me were i fill like death he just laughts at me. i am so tired of this pain. i am so tired of being angry and alone

angel23,

What you are going through must be so hurtful and angry yourself. It is bad enough what your poor son had to go through, but you are doing whatever you can in your power to make his life a better one, but to have to daily deal with his attitude only adds insult to injury. I really feel for you and when he laughs at you, it must hurt you deeply. When my son was his age, he was perfectly healthy, yet he would say such deep hurtful things to me also. Little did I know I had fibromyalgia and major back problems with my disks, etc., and I would try to do gardening with him and be in horrific pain and he would just laugh at me calling me a wimp. It made feel so low, so sad, and so I can only fathom the extent of your pain.

Here is what I strongly suggest: Remember that you have to be No. 1 as the person to take care of physically, emotionally and mentally. It sounds like a huge task, but if you don't take care of yourself you simply can't be there for him. First of all, I would highly recommend you see a therapist. Many go on a sliding scale, some will give you a "break" or you could go every 2 weeks. There are many options where it wouldn't cost you so much. I told my own therapist what a financial burden I was going through and now she only charges me half of my copay. I don't know what I would do without her, at least for now. She builds me up like no one else can, always trying to help me find happiness.

Take some time to yourself every day, even if it is only half an hour, but hopefully more than that. Just tell your son that you are taking some time for yourself, and let him say anything he wants even if it is hurtful to you. He can only think of himself right now, so it is up to you to take the time for yourself. Take a bubble bath, do some reading, go for a walk in the sunshine, go out and get a manicure, whatever it might take to bring you some more-than well-deserved joy! If you don't do this, you will burn yourself out before you know it and it will affect your health. My situation is so different from yours, but taking time to myself has become my No. 1 priority. Otherwise, I allow myself to get physically ill, in pain and basically good for nothing to my family. Find an organization or club that might interest you and you will meet other people to befriend.

I believe that your son could greatly benefit from some kind of therapy too - see what you could find for him - because his anger and attitude need to be turned around for his own sake. Either of you might find a very effective support group, so just do some research.

I know what it feels like to be angry and alone because of all my chronic pain issues that have caused major depression which I must treat medically and mentally. I need to take anti-depressants and I would hate for you to get so down that you might need them too.

There is a wonderful website that has support groups for so many things, and it benefits me greatly. It is called www.dailystrength.com. It is totally free and has helped me so much. You will find the most supportive people there as well as this site.

You can

angel23, Hello, I read your message and what came to my mind was , your son said he isn't angry and GOD is with him? Well what I hear is Bitterness, and that is a hard one to admit because (especially a male), we don't want to be found in (GOD'S eyes),weakness of emotionals. I wouldn't want to admit it myself, so have your son reevaluate himself to make sure he isn't. Also ,if GOD is with him, hhe wouldn't hurt his mom. God will show you both what to do, and be bold and faithful to do it. Amen...

hello, JSCHNEID444 Thank you so much for the helpful tip on handling the put downs of my coworker. i've been told before to walk away for a few minutes and gather my sense, so to speak. When you're in a heated situation, it's hard to think of what's best. i know that i would feel less threatened if I felt better about myself(something I've never much). my emotions get the best of me and then I feel worse after I've said hurtful things too. over-all I'm going to try your advice again. you are also in my prayers too. You seem to have alot on your plate, but keep the faith. If your brother doesn't help you he better wise up! Religion is not the key, JESUS is!!!

lp - It is awful when negative people put you into a corner, so to speak. It immediately triggers anxiety and anger. When I'd get so upset that I needed to cry, I would take a walk to the restroom and go into a stall and do some deep breathing to calm down. My supervisor and other co-workers didn't want to listen to me or get involved, so I finally left that job, which was my best decision of all.

I do hope it doesn't get you to that point. My brother has been basically agreeing with me. After I make my own decisions, I email him, so he can never say I didn't let him know. This way I am covering for myself. If my decision(s) change, sometimes I'd update him, and other times not. It's up to me because I have power of attorney, not him, and I made sure of that. Good luck to you, hope all goes well.

I have been taking care of my mother for a very long time now. She is 83. She has mulitple health problems and now her mind is not what it use to be. She forgets easily. I do have an older brother that does not even acknowledge she is in declining health let alone help out with doctors appointments. He lives on one side of her and I on the other. He thinks that if she eats right she will be ok. His denial has been a very sore spot in my life. Plus he made a promise to her to not put her in a nursing home. How can anyone make a promise like that. If he fights me on it then I will totaly back away and he can take care of her. Like many of you I am on call 24/7. She does have life alert which is a blessing during the day when I am at work. But the day is coming when I will have to quit, that day is coming sooner than my husband would like but what can we do. My husband helps more than my brother does! Words can not explain what I feel right at this moment in time. I have taken so many vacation days for her appointments that I go to work sick because I can not take time off for myself. Then she tells me to take time to myself, well duh how can I? Or she will make a comment you are going to get fired. To tell you the truth it would be a blessing right now. It is so hard to take care of a parent that was once strong and now is child-like in many ways. I love her with all my heart and soul and it is very hard to watch on a daily basis.

tabow, i am in a similar situation. only my uncle, my grandmothers SON, has called her 2 times since x-mas. i am alone here and i do everything to meet the needs of my grandmother. he is jealous of me. he acts like a child. some days i am so angry i feel like calling him and bitching him out, but it really is not worth my time. my granny's daughter, (my mother) died a few years ago. i know what you mean about acting like children also. sometimes i know she does things for attention on purpose. but i love her and will stand by her side until the end. and she knows that.

24/7 ??? All this talk of walking for exercise..and exercise classes??? How can you do that??? My mother is at Adult Day Care while I work....and they are not open long enough for me to work 8 hours a day....so I'm losing around $300 month in income....there is no one...no where..no way to get someone to stay with my mother while I would do any of this "exercise"....24/7 is just that...dementia requires constant care and supervision.....no relief for stress in sight that I can see...this is very very depressing situation for folks like me.

Good morning to All! My husband and I are caring for his step-mother 24/7 since she had her stroke. The stroke was misdiagnosed, she was sent from the hospital in Indiana to her family up there with no medical treatment, no admission and no meds. prescribed. She was on a trip with her brother and sister in law where she had the stroke and at that point was taken to a small town community hospital. We have been caring for her for a year and a half now full time ( once we moved her from Az.). She was living alone after her husband passed away about 9 years ago and she refused to move. Unfortuneatly for her and us she was left with basically no money to take care of herself and was living on $700.00 a month from SS. She has had other health diagnosis including a stay in a hospital here for two weeks and then into Rehabilitation until she was released back to us. My husband gives me $400.00 to care for her and the balance of the money goes for her meds. and to pay back the Hospital and the Rehab center. Needless to say the $400.oo a month does not cover the constant care for her. Our grocery bills have gone through the roof with her, keeping her clothes, getting her hair done and getting her out from time to time so, my husband and I are paying for all additional expenses out of our pockets. My husband is retired and I am trying to make up the difference for our income to cover the extra expenses. She does not have a clue! Her memory has been effected by the stroke, her ability to walk, think, read, converse, etc. She will not admit when something is bothering her but, by now I can pretty much read her and figure this out. Her standard answer for everything is, " it will be alright" that is how she survived living alone and tending to her health issues. Basically she ignored and of course they all got worse.

My husband is resentful and I have to admit that from time to time I feel the same way. I do have faith and believe that God has her here with us for a reason and this is what we are suppose to be doing. It is a hugh change for us since we were planning on doing some traveling and now, that is out of the question. She has to have someone with her all of the time.

I hope I don't sound selfish but, I need to talk and find some support to help me deal with this. It is exhausting both physically and mentally. I am not able to do anything for myself. I do work full time out of my house and travel for business as my job requires.. My husband hates it when I am gone but, I have to bring in more money to help financially.

We had to buy a larger home since we had bought our retirement home and it was not large enough for all of us and the cost of this has really hit our pocket book.

Is there any help out there for me ( support group) that anyone knows of? I would appreciate knowing of any. Also, is there any financial assistance we can look into to help us??

I do look forward to hearing back from those in similiar situations.

That's exactly what AgingCare.com is. Support. The internet support available is a Godsend to many who need to share what they are going through, because it's so hard to find time to get away to a physical support group. If you can get away a bit, try to find one. The Alzheimer's Association is a good place to start looking for one.

There is often government money for respite care, which could give you and your husband a little break. Check with your adult social services (county) or your state human services department to see if there is anything available in your area. Often this money goes unused because people aren't aware there is help. Your state human services department should be able to direct you to financial resources. Eventually, you'll need to see if your step-mother-in-law qualifies for Medicaid (government money for people who can't afford their own care). Your county adult social services people are the ones to see about that.

Keep very good records of her money and how it is spent. When you apply for Medicaid, they will want to see your records for up to five years back.

Meanwhile, for support, as you can see above, your can count on the folks here to listen and respond. Many of us have been through, or are going through, situations similar to yours.

Thank you for your supportive words! I will check out your suggestions and see what is available. We have applied for Medicaid for her and she was turned down. Very involved to get into the details but, it has to do ( in short) with us moving while she was in the hospital and N.H. since we needed a larger home for when she was released. The government said, that since she had not been in the 'new home' she did not have residency?? Go figure. We have since established her as living here at our new home and have gotten her a state I.D. We talked with the counselor who we paid $3,000./00 to help us with the filing with Medicaid and how he tells us she will not be eligible unless she goes back in the hospital and released back to a N.H./ Rehab center so, here we are.

My heart goes out to you! The rules are confusing and often so unfair. If she has established residency, I'd try to get help through your state human services or county adult services. There has to be something for you. Each state is different, even though the program is Federal - go figure. Keep us posted. You're doing a great job.

My father has recently passed away and since I'm the only unmarried child, I have decided to move back into their home to take care of her. My mother is making future plans with me as if I were my father. She wants to travel nationally and internationally and to visit my siblings who, for the most part, live in other states.

I, myself, have had plans to move abroad by next summer, which I had never informed my parents. This would be a permanent move. I would still like to keep this dream.

My mother doesn't want to leave her two favorite grandchildren who live about 5 minutes away and has told me that she doesn't want to live with my sister (the mother of these grandchildren) because she doesn't want to be mistreated. My other siblings live on the east and west coasts.

What should I do?