Where you start out as a caregiver largely determines the path you’ll be taking. Ask yourself three key questions:
Your answers to these questions will help shape your initial caregiving plan and your decisions on which tasks to tackle first.
Take a broad look at your caregiving goals and have a thorough, open conversation with the person you are helping.
My Caregiving Goals
Every caregiver experiences times when it’s easy to be patient and loving and periods when that doesn’t seem remotely possible. Sketching out what you consider to be the important elements of good caregiving can remind you of your goals and underscore the importance of all you do. The following points may help guide you in creating your own list.
Caring acts. What makes you feel secure and loved? Consider, too, how the recipient defines caring— it may be a willingness to listen, a hug or kiss, or a favorite shared meal. Leave the door open for reciprocation. Many people accept care more will-ingly if they can return the gesture in some way.
Consideration. The wish to be treated considerately doesn’t change at any age or stage of life. Aim to respond to the person, not just the illness or disability.
Respect. One challenging aspect of caregiving is offering advice or help while allowing the person to be as self-sufficient as possible. Offering too much assistance can undercut self-esteem and autonomy. Whenever possible, encourage the person you care for to continue making decisions and engaging in productive tasks.
Honesty. It’s tough to impart difficult news like a dismal medical diagnosis, a request that a parent stop driving, or the need to consider long-term care arrangements. Yet softening the blow by shading the truth may compound the original problem, says Dr. Anne Fabiny, a geriatrician and assistant professor of medicine at Harvard Medical School. Sometimes it’s necessary to set forth a painful truth and simply acknowledge the way both parties feel about it.
Foresight. No one can predict the future, but you may be able to catch a glimpse of what’s coming around the corner instead of scrambling to resolve each full-blown crisis. This can alleviate stress and provide sufficient time to carefully weigh options.
Warmth. Warmth is in the delivery, rather than the act itself. It announces its presence in the way you listen to the hundredth rendition of a story, cuddle up to watch a well-loved movie together, or simply sit and hold a hand.
Compassion and connection. It can be easy to lose your connection with the person you’re caring for when you’re tired and overwhelmed and he or she is feeling angry and unappreciative. Try to step back and acknowledge difficult feelings, be mindful of the suffering of the other person, and offer compassion.
When creating your list of essential elements, ask other family members and the person you are caring for what’s important to them. Then, keep the list handy to refer to whenever you need a refresher.
jackie
Jan 19, 2008 Suggest Removal
I am new to this site,I have been a caregiver to my husband age 71 for 28 years,he has Parkinson diease and now also has Dementia,I am getting burned out,my daughter lives near by and tries to get me out and about,she will willingly stay with her Dad. I guess my biggest problem is feeling like I am letting my husband down if I go and have fun knowing he can't do that anymore. I am getting short tempered and resentfull and I hate that.I use to go to my side of family reunions but when the time comes near he starts on money issues or it seems to me he will make excuses for me not to go so I don't go,its easier for me to be dissapointed than argue.he does not seem to understand that if I don't get away from the stress I am not doing a good job for him If anyone knows how I can get over these feeling please let me knowThank you Jackie from Henderson NV
premsen
Jan 22, 2008 Suggest Removal
You have given a great deal of yourself in 28 years. You have absolutely nothing to be feeling guilty about. It sounds like your husband's problems prevent him from being rational at this point. Before the dementia, he simply needed you so much that he selfishly made you feel guilty for wanting to do things that make you happy. Now that the dementia is kicking in, he may not realize how much you need some time for yourself. So many caregivers have no one to help out. You do- your daughter. Take advantage. Remember, if you are not well it will be hard for you to help him. Take care of yourself. You deserve happiness too.
JSCHNEID444
Jan 25, 2008 Suggest Removal
I also started to become very angry, resentful and getting burned out. Then I took a step back, made a major decision on my own, and now I can deal better with my dad. It isn't easy when someone who had been in charge his whole life has to give up some of his independence, so I gave my dad time to understand how much I needed to take over his check writing. That was a huge hurdle, but I know there will always be another hurdle to get over. I am the only one who can help him, as my one sibling lives quite a distance away and cannot help at all.
Maddhker
Jan 29, 2008 Suggest Removal
My grandmother is 92 years old, and I love her very much. My mother and I take care of her and are happy to do so. Grandma has memory problems and can't really be left alone any more. This has put a strain on our lives, emotionally and financially. My mother has to work and has given up her social life to take care of her, coming home from work to be with her as she can't be by herself for any length of time. I recently came to stay with them to give her a little time to do things on her own and help with grandmas care. I have taken the day shift, and part of the evening. This is leaving me little time for anything else. I'm only 36 and had to give up my construction company for now. I have no money for myself and have depleted my savings. I wish to recieve help from my aunts and uncles who are to busy to help with the responsibilities. They all are retired and have all the free time and the funds to do this themselves but are uninterested in helping with her care. It seems too much of a burden for them. I would like to know how to get them to help me financially. As for involving them with there time, I think they would try to send grandma to a home where I'm afraid she would lose her spirit and die quite quickly. She does not deserve this at all. So how does one get her children to help with the finances when they are reluctant to do so?
jim
Maddhker, Sounds like you're going to take on most of the responsibility, but try and get everyone to commit to being responsible for at least one thing. This article might help get others involved: http://www.agingcare.com/Featured-Stories/95065/article.htm
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