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How to handle an elderly parent's bad behavior

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"My mother is driving me crazy!" This phrase is uttered (or screamed) by caregivers everywhere who are caring for elderly parents. As if they didn't have enough to do, caregivers often have to deal with bad behavior by their elderly parents. The AgingCare.com message boards are filled with stories of demanding elderly parents, personality changes, hallucinations, temper tantrums…even abuse. We've compiled the top 10 bad behaviors that elderly parents exhibit, along with some tips for coping with them.

Bad behavior #1: Rage, anger, yelling
Age and illness can intensify longstanding personality traits in some unpleasant ways: An irritable person may become enraged, an impatient person demanding and impossible to please. Unfortunately, the person taking care of the elderly parent is often the target.

What to do:
Try to identify the cause of the anger. In most elderly individuals, behaviors are a symptom of distress.

The aging process in and of itself sometimes brings about anger, as seniors vent frustration about getting old, having chronic pain, losing friends, having memory issues, being incontinent – all of the undignified things that can happen to us as we age.

In addition, Alzheimer's disease and dementia can also cause these behaviors, in which case, your parent doesn't have control.

As a caregiver, the best thing you can do is not take it personally. Focus on the positive, ignore the negative, and take a break from caregiving when you can. Get some fresh air, do something you love or call a friend.

You might also want to consider calling in a home health nurse. Elders often reserve their worst behavior for those they are closest to, i.e. family members. The bad behavior might not surface in front of a stranger. And you get a much-need break.

More info:
How to handle anger and rage in elderly parents

What caregivers are saying- Join the discussion:
"Help! Mom is becoming mean and hateful and unreasonable."

Part 1 of 10
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Abusing caregivers

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frmeyers said
Apr 1, 2010

When my partner of 39 years lost his sight due to macular degenerations six months ago, we were able to cope. However last month he began to have hallucinations.

When I would take him to medical appointments, he would say that the buildings were moving or that I was driving into a brick wall. He became very fearful (understandable so). Four physicians and eye specialists later, we finally found the cause.

We finally were able to determine the cause is due to the functioning of the brain that interprets sight. THE DIAGNOSIS WAS CHARLES BONNET SYNDROME.

Although first described in the 1760's, it still remains virtually unknown to many/most physicians and eye specialists. Once we found the cause and were able to understand the process, we were able to handle the situation.

The problem generally resolves within a year to eighteen months, however there are several reports of treatments that seem very positive. Unfortunately, these require hospitalization for two or three days, and none of these therapies are recognized by his current insurance. Sigh...

Google, read and print out information about CHARLES BONNET SYNDROME and share it with your caregivers and medical providers.

Hopefully, this post may help others facing similar situations.

naheaton said
Apr 1, 2010

Does having macular degeneration cause this syndrome? Could he have had only Charles Bonnet syndrome, and not macular? What I mean is, do they go hand in hand or no?

Missybu said
Apr 7, 2010

I just experienced this at church on Easter Sunday. We were visiting our son's church in another town. An older man in a wheelchair was pushed into the sanctuary by a grown son. The older man let out a profanity and his wife looked around terrified. Thankfully, over the next few minutes, various church and staff members came by and spoke with the older man, welcoming him with kind words. It seemed to calm the older couple and was evidence of God's grace.
Missy Buchanan; Author, Talking with God in Old Age (Upper Room Books)

frequentfliertx said
Apr 21, 2010

Oh boy, I can definitely relate to yelling, screaming and carrying on. I don't take it personally. I just do the best job I can and ignore all the negativity that comes with caregiving. And boy have I experienced impatience! They want everything done NOW.

igloo572 said
Apr 22, 2010

frmeyers - This is just fascinating. Not trying to make light of
what you both went through, but the brain is just amazing.

There is a type of dementia called Lewy Body. It too is one
specific diagnosis, like CBS, that most have not heard of.
yet it is the 2nd biggest cause of dementia.

One of the hallmarks of it is "seeing creatures". Typically it will be a animal, a pet type of animal, not threatening but just
appears and is 100% real. Like CBS, having good lighting
or a change in light (dark to light and vice versa) or shifting
where you are looking (like in CBS) helps the creature go away. Lewy Body dementia seems to be more episodic rather
than constant like Alzheimer's.

My mom is in independent living in her 90's- she is really good maybe 80% of the time (bathes, does her hair, laundry, makes breakfast, know's what's what in current events). Then there
will be an episode usually triggered by not taking her med's.
Twice she has told me that someone's cat (black & white
and silent) has gotten into her apt and once it was a rabbit.
Now they do have pets in her building so I'm thinking that's
the case but then she tells me that it must have come thru
her balcony. Now she in on the 3rd floor and only a bird could
do that if it was clever. It doesn't stay or jump into her lap or
eat or speak, it just is there being a cat or rabbit and then it's gone. It doesn't seem to make her anxious, its just is there.

Anyway, her gerontologist told me about Lewy Body when
she told her the cat story. My mom also for a couple of days
kept seeing cobblestones instead of carpet and cement,
and the trees would have a pattern over them (as if you were looking through a screen or cookie) this was not scary but annoying for her but she found if she looked side to side
or looked up to the sky, it would go away. This is also very CBS according to the gerontologist. CBS and Lewy both involve the same area of the brain.

Her doc suggested things that are critical for the very elderly but still capable: lots of light, and put those suckers on timers
for AM (when the sun starts) & PM (1 hr before sundown);
extra glasses in frames that are all the same; a hearing aid
even if their hearing is still pretty good; open clean lines low
furniture that is at her eyelevel (think Ikea); and no rugs.

We've done this and life is much better.

So are you all thru the CBS episodes? Some people see the
same images over and over, like looking at a painting.
I just find it all so amazing what the brain can do.

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