Why do elderly parents turn on the child that is trying so hard to take care of them?
Most of us have seen evidence of people being harder on the people they love than they are on strangers or even people they don’t like. One example that comes to my mind is a man that I have known. He was a jolly, good natured “good guy” in public, a salesman by trade, but a totally different person to his family – sullen, often angry and emotionally abusive. I’ve also known a couple of women who have admitted to behaving in a similar manner.
It’s not really news that people tend to be their worst with the people they love. Generally, this is thought to be the case because people feel safe enough with family to just “let it all hang out.” Their anger at their circumstances, which may or may not have to do with these family members, is the real cause. Other times, the behavior is because the person has an abusive personality with deeper problems lurking.
Whatever the reason, it’s not good. We owe the people we love our best selves. Not our “dressed for company” selves, but our compassionate, honest selves. However, most humans are very imperfect creatures. They will take out their frustrations on people they feel won’t desert them.
The question in the headline of this article says it well. “Why do elderly parents turn on the child that is trying so hard to take care of them?” This question came directly from an agingcare.com post and it got many responses from people struggling with the same issue.
My take on this is, unless the elders are people with personality disorder – which is a mental illness – they “turn on” the one adult child who is showing the most love by doing most of the care because they feel safe enough to do so. They don’t consciously abuse this son or daughter, but they are frustrated and need to vent this frustration about getting old, having chronic pain, losing friends, having memory issues, being incontinent – all of the undignified things that can happen to us as we age. On a gut level, they trust that this caring person won’t leave them.