A friend told us the story of her mother’s most recent visit. Her mom didn’t drive, and planned to come by train. While not thrilled by this plan, there were few realistic alternatives, so our friend reluctantly agreed, and promised to be waiting at the station to pick her up. She arrived 10 minutes before the train was due, only to find her mother shivering on the wind-swept platform, clutching her suitcase—she’d taken an earlier train, having arrived at her departure station well ahead of schedule. The inevitable “why didn’t you call?” was met with protests that she was perfectly fine, didn’t want to disturb her, etc. Our friend’s initial response was guilt, quickly followed by irritation, generating more guilt.
As we age, our capacity to judge time accurately diminishes. Most people begin to perceive time as passing more swiftly than is actually the case. This tendency is magnified significantly in the early phases of certain forms of dementia, when minutes start to feel like hours. However, the behavior isn’t limited to people with dementia—many older folks become hyper-aware of how time is precious and fleeting, and not wanting to “miss” anything, even the most laid-back elders evolve into early birds.
Other age-related factors also contribute to this shift. Deteriorating night vision can lead to avoidance of rush hour traffic and crowds, while the need for frequent bathroom breaks may make your aging parent insist on multiple “pit stops” everywhere you go. For some family members and friends these behaviors are seen as harmless quirks, good for the occasional joke about having dinner mid-afternoon.
However, these quirks can actually lead to some significant stress, particularly when you’re the primary source of transportation and support. When your own schedule is already overbooked, Dad’s insistence on arriving for his doctor appointments half an hour early may grate on your nerves (especially if his doctor is notorious for running late). A dozen phone calls to remind you of the appointment beforehand and requests that you “hurry up” while en route may generate tension. So do frequent “what time is it getting to be?” queries while you sit in the waiting room, powerless to move things along.
It’s hard not to resent Dad for getting you into this mess in the first place, or deliberately start running late on pickup days. So what can caregivers do? Three things.