There’s a great deal of angst in the family caregiver world about siblings who don’t help out with the aging parents. Very often, it’s the person who lives closest to the parents who ends up being the primary caregiver. This is kind of a default thing because logistics would make it seem only, well, logical.
However, the adult child living closest to the parents may not be the one who is best suited emotionally, financially or practically, for the job. This person may be a single mother trying desperately to take care of children and provide them with a living by working two low paying jobs. Then she takes on the parents, as they live in the same town. She is, understandably, overwhelmed.
This is when she needs to turn to her siblings for whatever help they can give. If they can’t be present physically, they should help financially, or with bill paying and legal paperwork. They should do something, but often they don’t. Many times, it’s because they just don’t want to be bothered. They assume that the sibling that’s closest can handle it and they don’t have a clue about how much time is involved in the parent care process. And they really don’t care.
But sometimes – yes it happens – sometimes the caregiver martyr syndrome kicks in. Sometimes, the in-town caregiver doesn’t really give the out-of-town siblings a chance. We all know of couples who actually love complaining about the spouse. They’d be devastated if the spouse actually lived up to their expectations, as then there wouldn’t be anything to complain about. Well, this same thing can happen to caregivers. They have an ego investment in caring for the parent. They love the “Honey, one day you’ll have jewels in your crown” comments by the little church ladies. They love the sympathy they get from colleagues.