No matter what the cause of the controlling behavior – entrenched abuse or fear stemming from uncontrolled loss – setting boundaries is necessary. You must decide how much you will take. How much negative behavior is excusable because of the circumstances and when does this become abusive? Sticking to the boundaries you set is hard, but consistency is important (unless you are faced by a medical change). Even when dementia is present, there is often some comprehension within the abusive parent that they have gone as far as they can go without losing the caregiver.
If you are in a no-win situation that stems from abuse from childhood, the only solution may be to have the parent cared for by non-family members in assisted living or a nursing home. That is one way to put some distance between you and the controlling parent, without giving up caregiving.
Caregivers walk a fine line with their elders between being caring and being abused. While for each person, the line will be a little different, family history often plays a large part in where this line is drawn. Third party help, whether from a trusted friend or a paid counselor, may be worth your time in finding this line, if you can’t do it alone.
Over the span of two decades author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Because of this experience, Carol created a portable support group – the book “Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories.” Her sites, www.mindingourelders.com and www.mindingoureldersblogs.com include helpful resources as well as links to direct support.. Carol’s newspaper column runs weekly in print and online, she speaks at workshops and conferences and has been interviewed by national radio, newspapers and magazines. Carol writes on caregiving and senior issues for several national Web sites.