I’m not excusing the elder’s difficult behavior, and I’m not saying caregivers should allow themselves to be abused. I am suggesting that a caregiver analyze the behavior of the elder and the family dynamics, maybe even inviting a few other opinions, so they can see where this controlling behavior is coming from. This understanding may influence the way you handle the controlling behavior.
If it seems to be coming from the elders’ frustration of loss, of having everyone else make all of their decisions, you may want to see if there are ways you can hand back some power to the elders without doing harm. Think what you would act like if you had people swoop in and take over your life, even if they had the best of intentions. Then, look at your own behavior and see if you are taking more control than you need to, or doing so because it’s “efficient,” even if not totally necessary. If this is the case, you may want to relent a bit, and make sure the elder can control whatever his capabilities allow. By doing this, you may find life more peaceful all around this way.
No matter what the cause of the controlling behavior – entrenched abuse or fear stemming from uncontrolled loss – setting boundaries is necessary. You must decide how much you will take. How much negative behavior is excusable because of the circumstances and when does this become abusive? Sticking to the boundaries you set is hard, but consistency is important (unless you are faced by a medical change). Even when dementia is present, there is often some comprehension within the abusive parent that they have gone as far as they can go without losing the caregiver.