How Do I Get Dad Out of His Cluttered, Unsafe Home?

Thank you for the wonderful GENTLE suggestions you have made! I'm sure many sons and daughters will benefit from your examples.

As you stated, ruling out any medical problems or depression, should be done first. Sometimes depression can be exaspirated when our elders are left alone too much. As their friends and spouses pass away, they feel they have 'less reason' to go out, or to socialize, but there are hundreds of elders that feel the same way. Social clubs or senior centers can really help them feel a part of activities again.

I would also like to add that understanding their mindset helps too. Like you stated, many of our 'elders' grew up in the great depression and had to re-purpose items! One suggestion to remove dangerous items, is to ask if they would like to DONATE any 'metal, fabric, etc.' for the 'needy' and perhaps it will remind them of the days when 'metal and other items' were collected by organizations to help the war effort.
OR, perhaps ask if you could have the (old washer... lawnmower, etc... for your use. What loving parent would turn down the chance to help their son or daughter? This has worked MANY times with my mother and her collection of fabric and other 'useless' items. Old container, old pots, and oddities she will 'donate' to me so I can use them for my art projects. I was able to remove old chairs, excess fabric, buttons, thread, convincing her that these items would be refreshed and given to those less fortunate.

What we need to do when we offer help to our parents, is to imagine someone, ANYONE, especially family, coming into our home, and deciding what WE should keep or throw away or clean. And then just doing it without our consent. Even the best intentions can be misconstrued. Now I know most of the 'busy' people here would LOVE someone to come in and HELP, but not take over. So rather than just telling your father or mother what needs to be done, why not just offer your help ONE area a time?

Bring lunch, then offer to clean up the kitchen, while they relax with a cup of tea or coffee! Be sure to bring cleaning supplies with you (in a closed bag) and perhaps some 'new containers' to replace the old ones. If you get 'caught' just let her/him know that you are returning the old ones for a REFUND! Appeal to their frugal side by showing that they will get some if they GIVE something.

Old newspapers, clothes, shoes etc can be collected for the needy. Just gently say: "That way we can go shopping for some NEW clothes for you Mom or Dad!"

Always remember to ask if there is any sentimental attachment to an item before removing it or 'donating' it. You never know what you might learn! An old shirt may be meanlingless to US, but could be the last shirt that they wore the day their spouse died!

Of course some of these wonderful suggestions may not work if Alzheimer's or other dementia is involved. My mother has mild Alzheimer's and her 'crowded' bedroom was becoming a safety hazard. Instead of just removing items, which had been done in the past by my brother (who lives there), I asked her if she would like to BRING some of her most favorite things with her when she came to visit me! She thought this was a great idea, and we were able to clean up almost HALF of her bedroom without a fuss. Once we had her things at my house, I was able to clean what was still useful and donate/toss the rest.

NOW... the flip side of this is when the person that is LIVING with your aging parent is causing most of the problem...... perhaps that is best left for another NEW topic!

This all sounds so WONDERFUL for those who have not lived through this nightmare, from a long distance. Those of us who have had to travel 1,200 miles (one way mind you) several times a year to clean, organize, get rid of, donate, etc., this all does not work, especially when you have a very stubborn alzheimer's/dementia affected loved one who has lost the ability to understand most of reality, and cannot make sense of the real world as we know it.

With all due respect "nauseated" it is not easy to provide care "long distance". When it gets 'that' bad its time for an intervention and moving them out of a dangerous home.

Sometimes it takes Adult Protection Services involvement to make the changes necessary, but no one can be expected to use the suggestions I made unless you are close enough to go on a regular basis.

Please don't think that i am trivializing how 'easy' it is to make changes....nothing could be further from the truth and my reality.

It is VERY difficult to ask our parents to change anything. Add dementia to the mix, and it is next to impossible! But there are ways to make things seem THEIR idea, just like they did when we were in their care.

God Bless

With all due respect, "MiaMadre" I already know all this.  I had to trick my Dad into thinking he was going on a visit to my house for Thanksgiving holiday. I packed up all his personal papers, all of his valuables, family photos, nic nacs, a few pieces of furniture that he would need to live with me for awhile. I also had social services involved, insurance investigations, and local sheriff involved due to elder financial abuse and fraud that took place. This, my husband, two kids, and myself did in less than a week. He spent the next seven months with me. I then went to court to get guardianship/conservatorship, after getting doctors letter of incapacity. Long story short, he is now in a great assisted living facility, close to me, clean, well fed, and still has some (limited) independence. Oh, and the person who committed the financial abuse and fraud, is now a fugitive, and when caught, will be extradited back to where the crime took place. And when that time comes, I will be there in the courtroom smiling at them. God Bless.

Good for you, Naus!

I'm not pressing assisted living on people by saying this, and I know some aren't good, and yes, some people are better off in their own homes, but in a situation like Nauseated's, that was wise, kind and in the long run I'm sure Dad has a much better life. Not all elders make friends in AL, but many do. Some love it but won't admit it. And yes, some hate it. But assisted living, in a good center, can be a huge blessing - especially when it's close to you so you can keep an eye on things.

What you had to go though is more than most, Naus. But most caregivers can relate to bits of all of it. When dementia is at a point where the elder is a danger to himself, something has to be done. Social Service agencies have welfare checks for a reason. I'm glad you did all the right legal stuff, and I'm still exhausted just from reading about your trip! Hang in, Naus. You are a powerhouse for good.
Carol