Before going that far, I’d suggest that you try a couple of gentler things. First, get Dad to his doctor. You may have to go under the guise of a blood pressure check or something of the kind, but let the doctor know ahead that you are wondering about depression. Depression is often part of the problem, especially if a spouse has died. Depression also can cause people not to care about their surroundings and make it impossible for them to take action.
Then there is the fact that he can’t throw anything away. People of this generation grew up in the Great Depression. They have a hard time throwing things away because they are afraid they many “need it sometime.” Therefore, the house piles up with unusable and forgotten objects stuffed into every corner. Again, though an anti-depressant won’t cure this ingrained thinking, it may help Dad become more flexible. Once depression is ruled out or treated, appeal to his frugal side.
Tell him, “I understand why you want to stay in this house, Dad. It’s full of memories and represents your past. But it isn’t safe the way it is, because the bathroom is upstairs and so is your bedroom. I know you sleep on the couch a lot so you don’t have to climb the steps. But you still have to go to the bathroom. So, I’ve called a home remodeling company and we have an appointment with him to talk about adding a bedroom and bath onto your main floor. It can spread out onto the back lawn.”
Then, do it! Get really excited. Call someone to come over and give an estimate. Chances are that once Dad sees that he can make a decision to stay in his home, but that it will cost a ton of money to do it, he’ll likely say, “I’ve decided I don’t want to remodel. Let’s look at those assisted living brochures.” And you are on your way.
If he still won’t budge? Go ahead and plan. Maybe a remodeled house will work for him. If all else fails, get that welfare check from Social Services. They may have to force the issue. But your chances are good that he’ll find a better option. He’ll likely be more willing to check out those assisted living places you mentioned once he’s seen alternatives. It’s just that he needs to feel he is making the decision, not someone else. You can’t blame him, can you?
For over 20 years author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Because of this experience, she created a portable support group – the book “Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories.” Her sites, www.mindingourelders.com and www.mindingoureldersblogs.com, include helpful resources as well as links to direct support. Bursack’s newspaper column, “Minding Our Elders,” runs weekly, she speaks at many caregiver workshops and conferences and has been interviewed by national radio, newspapers and magazines. She is the moderator of the AgingCare.com forum.