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Dad Died, Mom Has Dementia. Should I Tell Her?

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Unequivocally, yes. That’s the short answer. However, the question and answer, which those who have not experienced this dilemma would say is a “no-brainer,” is much more complex to those who stare this harsh reality in the face.

Here’s my story:

My struggle began as we finally were able to get my suffering father into hospice care. I’d fought doctors for quite awhile, with the help of the nurses in the nursing home who knew him well, to get him better pain relief. The attitude of the doctor, who viewed his chart, was that he slept a lot, so he wasn’t in that much pain.

His body language told a different story. He’d half raise his head from the bed and slam his closed fist into his hand over and over, struggling to get out words that made no sense. He couldn’t articulate his pain, but he was trying to beat it to death. Dad was a gentle man, and this behavior was desperate. The nurses knew it, and so did we, his family. After much arguing, the head nurse broke through the barrier with the doctor in charge, and we signed the papers for hospice care.

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Comments (1 to 5 of 5)

overwhelmed1 said
Apr 2, 2009

Thanks for sharing your story ... both my parents have passed but my husband and I are caregiving (out of the home) his mother. She is in the early stages of dementia but more than not is still pretty much dealing with reality. Her husband died almost 3 yrs ago and she has not completely recovered - and I realize that it is unlikely that she will ever be the same. She has bright days and darker days.

I cried when I read the story of your father ... and mother. This business of losing loved ones gets pretty hard at times.

CajeanL50 said
Apr 4, 2009

I just "accidently" found this site/blog and am already glad to see that I share with so many in their daily struggles and questions. I'm an only child and have recently begun helping my father (89) who was suddenly diagnosed with CHF in Dec.

Marie said
Apr 8, 2009

A few years ago my sister was dying and in a nursing home. Her room mate was a sweet lady in her 90's with early demetia. After my sister died I went back to visit her. She asked me how my sister was doing and I told her she had just died. Helen started crying hysterically and it took at least a half hour to calm her. A few minutes later she asked me again and I told her my sister had died. It was like she was hearing it for the first time again. After I calmed her down she asked about her again, and I told her she had died along time ago. With that she said she was sorry to hear it, but know that she was in heaven. I found out that telling her it was awhile ago made it easier for Helen to deal with my sister's death. I don't know if this helps, but it helped Helen to accept my sister's passing.
My grief was still fresh, I felt I had to tell her my sister died to give closure, but telling her it was along while ago worked in this situation.

MindingOurElders said
Apr 8, 2009

Hi Marie,
Yes, I think you are onto something. Once they are told, there are often different ways we have to handle this, depending on the day. But making it sound like "a long time ago" can help. The whole subject becomes a moving target and we have to go with our gut. You've got great instincts.
Take care,
Carol

Debmosely said
Feb 23, 2010

If a parent is in the beginning stages of dementia does one tell them they have dementia?

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