The answer? Both and neither. Every situation is different. Every family is different. Every person is different. You will face resistance no matter what you do, and your elder will likely be unhappy, for at least awhile, no matter what you do.
So, do you move Mom and Dad back home? If possible, start to talk about it early on. Don’t wait for significant health problems or a death. When you visit them, say, “What do you think you’ll want to do if you get so you can’t be alone? Maybe we should drive around and look at what this area has to offer and compare it to back home.”
As with all things involving your aging parents, communication and starting the talks early can make a lot of difference.
When they visit you, take them around and show them the great new assisted living complex being built in your town. See if they have any old friends still living in the area that they can re-connect with. Show them the best you have to offer.
Change is difficult for most people, and it seems to get harder for many as we age. If you throw dementia into the mix, you’ll really have a challenge. Often you can talk and agree and all is just cozy and nice during the early stages, but when dementia happens, or a stroke, or a death – in other words when real life happens – they may totally change their minds, or even deny saying they agreed to anything.
Aging may not be for sissies, but neither is caregiving. You will have a challenge no matter what decision you make. You may have to make the decision for them, and they won’t like that. You’ll second guess yourself all the way through. But, as with all other things in caregiving, if you make your decisions with the best in mind, for all involved, then that’s all you can do. Everyone isn’t going to be pleased all the time. All you can do is all you can do.
So make a decision and cope. Be kind. Be thoughtful. Realize the elder has choices and some of those choices may lead to decisions you don’t consider right. Talk it over with a spiritual advisor if that helps you, or a counselor. Talk to other caregivers so you can share your story with people who understand. And then do what you have to do. Let your elders stay where they want and do your best to deliver long-distance care, or move them closer to you and help them adjust as much as possible.
Your best effort needs to be good enough.
For over 20 years author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Because of this experience, Carol created a portable support group – the book “Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories.” Her sites, www.mindingourelders.com and www.mindingoureldersblogs.com include helpful links and agencies. Carol’s column, “Minding Our Elders,” runs weekly, she speaks at many caregiver workshops and conferences and has been interviewed by national radio, newspapers and magazines and she is the moderator of the AgingCare.com forum.