When an elderly parent’s health begins to fail, one adult child generally becomes the primary caregiver. And while this may work well for a time, it can eventually cause resentment when you find yourself shouldering most of the burden—especially if other siblings live nearby yet don’t help out.
What to do about your resentment? Before you blurt out words that you’ll regret later, it’s important to take a look at why you stepped up to the plate in the first place, says Lynne Coon, M.S., a nationally certified counselor from Portland, Oregon. In other words, she continues, “Why did you put yourself in this position?”
There are many reasons that people take on the role of primary caregiver, such as closer proximity to the elderly parent or greater availability to help out. But just as often it’s because they see themselves as most able to do the job, says Coon. Unfortunately, a competent and capable adult child who has taken on the role of caregiver often begins doing more and more until eventually she or he becomes responsible for the majority of the caregiving duties.
While it’s best to involve other siblings early on before such a pattern develops, it is possible to redistribute the responsibility later in the game. Here are some ideas for opening the lines of communication and enlisting the support of your siblings:
Keep in mind that it’s normal to experience tricky dynamics when siblings get together as adults, since childhood jealousies and rivalries as well as historical grudges may resurface under the pressure to work together and make sacrifices. If disagreements arise, says Kaufman, “it’s good to remind yourself that this has nothing to do with what you or I want but about what’s best for mom or dad.”
Disagreements may be avoided by setting down ground rules for discussion ahead of time, such as agreeing to listen to and consider every alternative, even if some don’t seem workable.
If all else fails, an option for getting past stressful communication is family mediation. A relatively new concept, mediation is an informal process in which a neutral third party sits down to help people in conflict to better understand their individual interests and needs so that they can agree upon a workable solution to the problem. Mediation helps to empower families to come up with their own solutions—and the end result is that it’s often easier to stick with a decision that you’ve had a part in making. To find a mediator, contact your local senior center or Area Agency on Aging.
Even if you’re successful in achieving a better distribution of responsibility, it’s important to communicate, communicate, communicate. Hold regular family meetings to assure that all siblings are updated with your parent’s condition and changes to the plan of care. Let them know how much their help is needed—and appreciated. “You’ve got to keep pulling together,” says Coon, “for your own peace of mind—and your parents.”
Linda Hepler is a freelance health writer whose work has appeared in a variety of health and fitness publications, such as "Family Doctor," "Fitness Plus," and "Max Sports and Fitness." She received her BS in nursing from Eastern Michigan University and works part time as an Employee Health Nurse in northern Michigan.
alzheimersideas
Jul 18, 2008 Suggest Removal
Great adviceSusan Berg
MysticalAngel
Jul 26, 2008 Suggest Removal
My mother and I have been taking care of my grandmother for the past 4 years pretty much by our selfs. My mother has two sisters that show up when they have time. But they make that very far between visit's they all say they are busy. They never make time to come visit, or just call to see how she is doing, they might show up on Christmas or some other holiday, but only to stay for a few minutes then have to leave. We have tried everything that was suggested in this article and none of it worked. We even had in home nurse's coming out to try to hep us get the family together and work together to make everything a little easier on everyone especially me and my mom. My mom was told by her doctor that she could no longer tend to her mother that her back and mind wouldn't handle it any longer and was told she had a major depressive disorder so that pretty much left it up to me. I am at loss for what to do really, I am only 24 years old and have a wonderful 3 year old son who is my little helper. But I can't keep going the way I have been going. I have animals that I use to escape from most of the stress that I have to live with when I am at home. When I feel that things are getting to bad for me to handle or just need a break I will go saddle up one of my horse's and ride for a few hours and feel alot better, but once I walk back in the door it starts all over again. There is nothing that seems to help the issue. Help me if you can
Jul 27, 2008 Suggest Removal
Dear Mystical Angel and Family,
Maybe it is time to think about long term care. Even if you promised not to do it, things have changed. I wrote a great letter to the editor in USA Today about this very subject. Norsing homes are not bad. You can still visit. Have you ever thought about placing your grandmother there for a respite visit. At the very least, you can see how your grandmother does and get a much needed break.Maybe the rest of the family will take you more seriously
Susan Berg
JudyV
I agree with Susan. Let's say you ask your son at some point in his life not to put you in a home. Then many years later you are in ill health both physically and mentally and this is having a very negative impact on him and his wife and child. Would you want him to suffer and resent you and live a life where he dreaded coming in the front door? I didn't think so. At the very least get some in home help that you can count on, that is predictable, so you can start living your lives more fully again. We all deserve to live our lives with some hope that our days are more than a hopeless routine that we are trapped in.
SusanK
Aug 3, 2008 Suggest Removal
I'm in a situation where my (widowed) mother will only allow me to help her. She will not allow my 2 brothers or their wives to help. She depends on me for emotional support entirely. Five years ago, my husband and I moved to the same high rise condominium where she has lived for the last 30 years. It has made many things easier and I don't generally mind it, but when I try to tell my brothers what is really going on, they don't believe me because they never see what I see. When she speaks to them, she tells them everything is wonderful, that she's getting along well and never reveals anything to them. Mom is financially self-sufficient but emotionally overwrought since my father died 6 years ago. She has no social life, but that is her doing. She is not interested in relationships with other people/neighbors.
I placate her a lot. I don't tell her when she repeats the same scenario to me over and over because I don't want to upset her. I don't correct her when I know she's mistaken about something unless it's something that can cause her harm. She still drives (81 years old), sometimes better than others.
I don't know if I'm handling this situation in the right way for either her or me. My husband is very understanding fortunately.
Advice on how to deal with live-in mother
Stressed to the limit.
Needing to vent
dementia or alzheimers?
Insurance: Are Seniors Being Duped into Buying Policies They Don’t Need?
I have never seen an official “Required Respite Time” statistic because of course there are so many factors and it’s very individual, but I would boil the need for respite down to this: As often as needed!
Thank you for letting us assist you in Caring for your Aging Parents.
The material of this web site is provided for informational purposes only. AgingCare.com does not provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment; or legal, financial or any other professional services advice. Use of this site is subject to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.
About Us | Site Map
© 2008 MediaBrains Inc. All rights reserved.