For the last several decades, Ann has had no problem loading her dishwasher, washing her clothes or making her bed. No big deal, you know? That is until her widowed father moved in with Ann and her family. Now, her father follows her around and tells her just how things should be done. He does the same with Ann’s husband, Jim, though Jim has found ways to out-fox the elder. For Ann – well, it’s her dad, and she doesn’t know how to handle it graciously.
However, it’s beginning to drive her nuts. At first, the arrangement seemed perfect for everyone. After Ann’s mother died, her dad knew he should sell the house. He didn’t want to move to an apartment. He felt he had too much energy. Ann and Jim, even with their two teenagers, had plenty of room, and thought Ann’s dad could help out around the house.
That’s just the problem. He helps out too much. Ann’s dad had owned his own business and had employees. He was very successful. Ann’s mom used to complain that after he retired, he wanted to run the house, but it didn’t seem too serious. Then, when Ann’s mom got sick, her dad’s energy went into caregiving. He was a wonderful caregiver all the way through.
At first, the move kept everyone busy, and the arrangement was new. But now, all of the “advice” is getting old. Ann’s trying to be patient but doesn’t know what to do with her dad.
The first thing I suggested to Ann was to urge her dad to talk with the people at the hospice that cared for her dying mother. He would be a wonderful volunteer for them. Most hospice volunteers say they get more out of it than the people they help.
Hospice volunteers spend time with people who are sick and/or their families. They talk, play games, read or just listen. They generally form a close bond with the person they are caring for, under the guidance of hospice professionals. Talk about a reason to get out of bed in the morning! And that’s what Ann’s dad needs. A reason to get out of bed in the morning.
He has retired from his successful business. His ill wife is gone. He is still healthy, but isn’t fulfilled by his golf game and taking walks. He wants to make a difference. Therefore he’s driving his family nuts.
What he needs is direction. Volunteering for hospice isn’t, of course, for everyone. But there are so many other helpful thing people can do. Many business people join SCORE (Service Corps of Retired Executives). These people mentor new business owners. SCORE volunteers have a lifetime of experience behind them. This would be another good choice for Ann’s dad.
For an elder who is in good physical condition, Habitat for Humanity may be just the ticket. They can always use volunteers. Also, the Retired Senior Volunteer Program offers dozens, if not hundreds, of volunteer opportunities.
This is what I suggested to Ann. Her dad is healthy. He’s not driving her nuts on purpose. He needs a purpose. As we talked, Ann was making a list of places to call. I reminded her, too, that nursing homes badly need volunteers, and the volunteers don’t need to be extremely strong to be helpful. So as her father ages, there will be many things he can do. His feeling of self-worth will improve, and soon he won’t have time to tell Ann what to do.