Scene two: You’re visiting Mom in her apartment and you’ve been there long enough to do laundry and clean up the bathroom and kitchen. You visit a bit. She is watching her favorite show on TV, which you hate, but she wants your company. You’ve got kids coming home, but not for awhile. Would a little white lie be okay? I mean, is it awful to want to have a half-hour between Mom and kids; a half-hour for yourself to regain some sense of tranquility?
You say to Mom, “Jenny’s coming home, so I’d better get going. You enjoy your show and I’ll check with you later.”
Then you run out and jump in your car, drive home and grab a soda. You put up your feet and listen to the blessed silence. And feel guilty.
Again, get used to it. These are typical caregiver guilt feelings. You never will do it all so well that everyone is happy. You have to remember that you, too, are part of the equation. Talk with other caregivers. When people feel safe, as they often do in a group or even chatting with one other caregiver, they let down their guard. They can admit that they do the same thing.
Much of the guilt caregivers feel is, like the above, rather minimal in nature. However, there are things that linger after death that can cause guilt as well – or perhaps just regret. It’s hard to say which.