How to Talk to Your Elderly Parents

Increasingly, individuals find themselves faced with the need to help their aging parents address concerns about health and lifestyle issues. While many families are willing and available to provide the necessary supports to seniors, this assistance is difficult for many elders to accept, because it goes against their long held desire to be independent. In other families, a complicated history of communication styles and personality conflicts get in the way of productive discussions about how to proceed.

Caregivers have many questions and concerns: How do I discuss a sensitive issue like relocation or personal hygiene with my parent? Are there strategies for enhancing communication that make the conversation more productive? If I have a problem communicating with my parent, are there resources out there to help me?

Barriers to Helping

Many of the seniors I work with today are resistant to any kind of help from relatives or outsiders because they don’t want to appear dependent on anyone. Many older folks are fiercely private and would not dream of involving others in their personal affairs.

Oftentimes, families experience frustration with a senior’s inability to make a decision of any kind. Over the years, I have discovered that for many seniors the way to avoid making a bad decision is to make no decision at all!

Insights to understanding your parents

Helping our aging parents requires special skills and talents. Several hints may be useful in surviving the eldercare challenge.

Consider what it is like to be old. Most seniors experience a series of losses during their later years and are trying desperately to stay in control of themselves and their environment. Letting others help feels to them like giving away control of things.

“My way” is likely to be the only way (especially for older men) in facing any kind of transition. A plan that appears to be his idea is more appealing to him (and therefore more likely to get implemented) than one that you believe is in his best interest.

Pick your battles. Most elderly face multiple challenges as a result of growing older. The most common include mobility limitations, decreased stamina, living alone and memory problems. You will need to prioritize the issues you want to address and hope for small victories.

Try not to force changes unless absolutely necessary. If mom’s house is not as clean as it always was, decide if that poses a safety hazard or if it is about the daughter’s own standards for cleanliness. Maybe getting the grab bars installed in the shower is a better issue to address.

Strategies for having a conversation with elderly

Keep in mind why you are involved with your parents. Reminding them . . . and yourself that you are trying to help because you care about them can defuse an emotional situation.

If you have a good history of communication with your parents, ask them what they imagine would happen in certain situations. For example, if they were struggling at home because of health issues, what would they prefer: to stay at home with help, or would they consider other living situations?

Some aging parents may not want to share their financial and legal information with you. If that is the case, at least try to determine if they have a financial advisor or attorney they are working with.

If the direct approach does not work, I recommend a third party. That person could be a life-long friend, a priest or minister, or a golfing partner. It is possible that the perspective of a non-relative helps to bring more objectivity to the process.

Professionals that Help You Persuade Seniors

There are a number of professionals who specialize in working with seniors to address a variety of problems. Geriatric Care Managers (www.caremanager.org) are individuals with experience in helping the elderly and their families with problem solving and finding resources. These care managers are typically nurses or social workers who are familiar with the aging process. They can assist with coordinating services, assessments for physical and mental competency, locating and evaluating alternative living situations, and arranging and monitoring in-home help.

The National Academy of Elder Law Attorneys (www.naela.org) is comprised of attorneys who specialize in legal issues affecting the elderly and disabled. Examples of legal problems include: insurance issues, executing advanced directives, conservatorships, and benefit and pension problems

Senior Real Estate Specialists (www.seniorrealestate.com) are qualified to counsel seniors with life transitions involving relocating, refinancing, or selling the family home.

Some days, conversations are positive and productive. At other times, little is accomplished. Remember, things change. New information can make a difference. Throughout the process, it is important to keep the channels of communication open so that ongoing discussion is possible. What matters most is that we are able to stay in touch and stay involved in the lives of those we love.

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Dr. Jim McCabe is the president of Eldercare Resources, an estate-planning firm that specializes in working with elderly clients and their families. Dr McCabe has a practice in Scottsdale, AZ.