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How to Talk to Your Elderly Parents

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Increasingly, individuals find themselves faced with the need to help their aging parents address concerns about health and lifestyle issues. While many families are willing and available to provide the necessary supports to seniors, this assistance is difficult for many elders to accept, because it goes against their long held desire to be independent. In other families, a complicated history of communication styles and personality conflicts get in the way of productive discussions about how to proceed.

Caregivers have many questions and concerns: How do I discuss a sensitive issue like relocation or personal hygiene with my parent? Are there strategies for enhancing communication that make the conversation more productive? If I have a problem communicating with my parent, are there resources out there to help me?

Barriers to Helping

Many of the seniors I work with today are resistant to any kind of help from relatives or outsiders because they don’t want to appear dependent on anyone. Many older folks are fiercely private and would not dream of involving others in their personal affairs.

Oftentimes, families experience frustration with a senior’s inability to make a decision of any kind. Over the years, I have discovered that for many seniors the way to avoid making a bad decision is to make no decision at all!

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hsarmiento said
Apr 13, 2009

How do you deal with your parents when there are economic restrictions, no income from them, but they still want to spend money as before? Do you try to make them understand or just play a "dictator's" role?

PEACE2 said
May 10, 2009

MY MOTHER WAS ALWAYS A VERY SWEET WOMAN. SHE HAS BECOME MEAN, CRUEL WITH HER WORDS, TO A POINT OF ABUSE, AND HAS BROUGHT ME TO TEARS MANY TIMES. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE HER ANYMORE. I TRY TO IGNORE HER, BUT AT TIMES SHE BECOMES SO AGGITATED, SHE STARTS SCREAMING, BANGING HER HANDS ON THE TABLE, AND DOES NOTHING BUT COMPLAIN NO MATTER HOW HARD I TRY TO PLEASE HER. ANY SUGGESTIONS AS TO WHAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO SAY, OR SAY NOTHING. I ACTUALLY GET SICK WHEN I KNOW I WILL BE SPENDING TIME WITH HER, AS I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT. ANYONE HAVE ANY IDEAS.
KATHY

nclady91 said
May 18, 2009

I understand. It's a tough place to be as I well know. Do you have siblings? If so, do what I do and use the "tag team" approach. When I am frustrated with my Mom and know that it's best to retract from a situation at that moment, I call one of my sisters to take over. We all live at least 3.5 hours from my mom, so most of the time it's by phone, but it does help to get some relief so that I can take time to count to 10 and not get agravated. If you do not have siblings to do this with, be sure to talk with a good friend to at least get it off your chest. Also, perhaps there are local resources that help caregivers of Eldery parents who you could talk to. I wish you and your mom all the best!

Micheleangel said
May 24, 2009

Just try the best you can, I have siblings Peace, that do NOTHING to help. I 'm pretty sure I read that about your siblings as well. Not all families are lucky enough to have unselfish people in their lives to help with your burden. I would suggest that if she keeps up being abusive that way you should think of putting her in a home. I know that's a hard decision to make but your sanity and overall health is very important as well. I would start checking into that if it were me. My Mom is not that bad yet. But I do feel for you and hope that things will work out. God Bless you.

ToughSpot said
Sep 16, 2009

Lost my mom 6.5 years ago ... father is living alone in their large home. What was once a beautiful home, beautiful landscaping, and clean, well-kept residence, is now a run-down, dirty house - inside and out. My father lacks motivation, eats poorly, and is clearly depressed. He jokes about his lifestyle and couldn't care any less -- often laughing, saying "that's what retirement is all about". It's maddening. I used to help -- cleaning the house, pulling weeds, trimming bushes ... while he sits and watches. I have severe back issues and cannot keep up both homes. I have asked him to consider sellling, because it's obviously too large for him, overwhelming for him, etc. He just says, "it's not overwhelming -- I'm not as intense as you, I just don't care." He is the type that will be livid if I try to have a heart-to-heart with him, and I just don't know what to do anymore. My mother would be horrified if she could see him and the home they built. Any thoughts?

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Aging Parents and Elder Care Expert

GabrielHeiser

K. Gabriel Heiser

Attorney, author, Medicaid asset protection planning
Antioch, Tennnessee

K. Gabriel Heiser is an attorney with over 25 years experience in elder law and estate planning. Heiser is the author of "How to Protect Your Family's Assets from Devastating Nursing Home Costs: Medicaid Secrets," an annually updated practical guide for the layperson.

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