Now there is an actual theory about this called “validation theory.” It makes me smile. I didn’t need a theory to know what Dad needed. I just needed love.
Validation is exactly what Dad needed, because what was real to him was real in his world. Yes there were times when I would try to explain true reality, but I chose my battles wisely. I tried to keep him from seeing television news because he would insist that the war going on (there’s always a war going on somewhere) was in our town, right outside his window. I’d try to get him to walk to the window with me, but no, he knew the war was outside and I shouldn’t belittle him by saying it wasn’t.
Okay, I wasn’t going to “play his game” and say, “Sure Dad, there’s a war outside and they will blow us up anytime.” If I couldn’t convince him of the reality that we were in a “safe zone,” so to speak, I would calmly say, “I’m sorry you can’t believe me, but we are okay. We’ll talk about it another time.” Usually, these things happened when he was having a particularly bad day, and we’d just have to weather it.
However, the rest of the time, I’d just agree with him. What did it hurt that he thought he was helping plan the new zoo in Fargo, including finding an elephant? It kept him busy. What did it hurt that he needed to study “Grey’s Anatomy?” I found a copy in the used book store. What did it hurt that he needed a copy of “Roberts Rules of Order”? I found that, after a search, online.
My point is this: Dad’s reality was a real to him as mine is to me. Why should I, who supposedly can use my brain, make his life miserable by continually telling him he is wrong, when going with the flow was not hurting anyone else, and it was making Dad’s life a little more bearable? Why would I not do what I could to help him have some feeling of accomplishment? I’m his daughter. He would have done as much for me.
For over twenty years author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Because of this experience, Carol created a portable support group – the book “Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories. Her sites www.mindingourelders.com and wwwmindingoureldersblogs.com include helpful links and agencies. Carol’s column, “Minding Our Elders,” runs weekly, she speaks at many caregiver workshops and conferences and has been interviewed by national radio, newspapers and magazines.