Dad was adamant. He was waiting for his medical degree to come from the University of Minnesota and wondered why it was taking so long. I did what I usually did, and waited a few days to see if this episode of delusionary thinking would pass. It did not. So, I went to my computer and designed a medical degree with my dad’s name on it, scribbled some “signatures” on the bottom, put it in a mailing envelope and brought it to him, in the nursing home, the following day. He was delighted.
I added it to the other awards and degrees hanging on the wall; the entomology “degree,” his legitimate college degree, some other earned awards, an “award” for helping direct Lawrence Welk’s band. The wall was cluttered with the real and the fake, but I knew I would need to find room for more. Dad’s brain would tell him he had earned something and eventually I would need to produce it.
Dad had, indeed, gone to medical school at the University of Minnesota, but that was before World War II. He took some time off to be an archaeologist and then the war broke out. During maneuvers in the Mohave Desert, Dad passed out from the heat. He smacked his head against the baked desert floor and sustained a closed head injury. He was in a coma for months and had to learn to walk and talk again. He succeeded, and stayed in the army until the war ended, but kept Stateside and trained as a sanitarian.
Dad became director of Sanitation for the city of Fargo, meanwhile raising a family and, like so many returning soldiers, he went back to school. He attended school at night and worked during the day. I remember going to his college graduation. I was 14. Dad continued taking any graduate classes that would help his work or simply because they interested him, and he became very successful in the world of public heath.
As Dad aged, fluid started building up behind the scar tissue in his brain. He had surgery to drain that fluid, but the surgery backfired and he came out of it totally demented – and bonded with a voice in his head we came to call Herman.
That is when reality changed for all of us.
Dad moved to a wonderful nursing home, a block from my house, and for the first few years, my mom was still able to live at home, so I’d take her each day to see him (eventually, my mother entered the same nursing home). Everyone in the family wanted to help Dad, but I was the only one who could really get into his head and be who he wanted and get what he wanted.
I was his office manager. I brought him his brief case. I made a graphic letter head for him, and made him business cards. I took dictation. I mailed letters, and “received” letters – and of course – made degrees and awards.
What Dad could remember was attending medical school at the U of M. Why wouldn’t he have a degree, then? He watched Lawrence Welk on public television. I even bought him a baton because he wanted to direct the band. Why wouldn’t he have an award for that?
One day, a couple of years into this saga, a psychiatrist caught wind of what I was doing. He chewed me out royally. I was supposed to ground Dad. Bring him back to reality. Redirect him. I had no business playing Dad’s game.
Hogwash, I thought. I know my dad. I know he is not capable of coming into my “reality” and I wasn’t going to torture him by trying to drag him along. If I argued that he was delusional, he would feel degraded and disrespected. It made no sense to me. I still had my brain. Why couldn’t I put his anxiety to rest by traveling into his world – his “reality”?
The funny thing is, a few years later, a different psychiatrist stood looking at Dad’s award and degree covered wall. A nurse stood next to him. “I didn’t know he was a doctor,” the doctor said. “He’s not,” the nurse said, with a grin. The doctor burst out laughing. Later he asked me where I learned my “technique.”
“I’m his daughter,” I said. That’s all I needed.
lzydzymae
Apr 15, 2008 Suggest Removal
Thank you.
revans
May 3, 2008 Suggest Removal
Thank You. I am totally ashame of myself as a therapist that I did not think of that. My mother thinks that she lives by herslf and has caught the bus tro come over to my house for a visit. She also says that she does not live with me and that she two dogs and must go home at dark to feed them. I often find myself getting upset attempting to bring her back to reality. However, as you said what's real to them is real. Lately, I have being saying that's right and your room is down the hall, let's go to bed. Fortunately, we have one dog that just loves her and follows her every where. So far that has been working. " Validation" is the key.
eva
Jun 15, 2008 Suggest Removal
my mom ic confinced she is getting married, she is not but to her it is real. she has everything planned out, she hears music, people that are not there. she is in the hospital in the behavior mental ward. we do not know what the tests will find, but we will do everything we can to help her. it is hard to know that she is slowly slipping away. we really do not know what to do.
MindingOurElders
It's extremely sad to have to see this happening to someone you love. Does she have dementia, or is this schizophrenia or another mental health issue? If she is "slowly slipping away," it sounds like she isn't expected to recover. So, in that case, I'd go along with her wedding plans. It sounds like it's the planning she is "into," - not the wedding. You can drag out planning for a long time. If she has Alzheimer's, she may just be stuck back in the time of her life where she was that age and planning her wedding. It's very real to her. You could even get her wedding magazines and such. I guess you'll have to see what the tests show, and go from there. Please check back and update us when you know more.
Take care of yourself, too. I hope you have good support. We know what you are coping with and look forward to hearing from you again. We support each other.
Carol
missygreen
Jun 17, 2008 Suggest Removal
I have just recently moved my mom into my home, I am afraid she will never be able to live by herself again. We are going to add on to our house to accomodate her. Are there any kind of funds available to assist in anything like this?
I would say it's not likely, but I would not discourage you from looking. Check with your state Human Services Department. They may be aware of grants or low interest loans that could help. If your mother is a veteran or your father was a veteran, you could check with veterans-express.com. Note that this is not a government site, but they link you to government sites and may give you ideas of where to search and what questions to ask.
As with most help, states and counties have a great deal to do with how much you quailify for and what is available, so there really isn't a short cut, but state and county human services people should have a handle on what help is offered. If you go online and type your state and .gov (dot gov), you will probably get to your state's main Web page. From there, hopefully, you can find Human Services or something similar.
It may take some digging, but those are the people that can help on the state level. The county level may be easier, but they also may have fewer resources. Make sure you inquire about respite care, as well, so you have some time to yourself. If you are making all of these phone calls, ask as many questions as you can. It will save time later. Good luck with your search. If more help were given to families in the early stages of care, maybe it wouldn't be so expensive on during the late stages of care.
doinmybest
Jul 1, 2008 Suggest Removal
That is a very great story and I am very pleased to know that I am not alone when I "enable" my Uncle's wild thoughts. He used to own a bar and later on sold that and bought a store. The bar that he sold was serving to minors and HE was the one who helped to bring that to the attention of the athorities. The other night he was having those memories and woke me up at 3 am to talk about the action plan to stop that bar from seriving minors because it was just wrong. I was very much not awake, but I did just as you did. I went along with his "reality" and we talked till morning about what we will do to stop that and all was good! After we both had a little nap he never brought up that topic again or at least not yet! lol! So I believe that it is the right thing to do and go along with them on their past adventures they no longer live in the present or future and I will take what I can even if it is from the past. So good job and I hope every one takes this advice and just go on the ride with their loved one. Enjoy it while you can
You did do your best and it was fabulous! Congratulations for thinking of that in the middle of the night. You knew arguing with him was useless, and you made him feel good and validated. It was all very real to him and there was no sense in making him feel bad. I'm also glad you both got a nap to catch up on sleep. That is a memory that will remain with you as one of the precious times you had with him - long after he's gone. You made my day.Carol
Jul 2, 2008 Suggest Removal
No Carol you made my day when I read your story. One benefit for me is that I have been in the medical feild for over 12 years now and I have spent many years helping and caring for people like my Uncle, so all that has been a great benefit for me. There are days when I sit and just stare at him ( when he is napping of course) and think of the past 30 plus years and wonder how he became who is today. In just a matter of months he become some one that I remember from years ago as well as a stranger. Very frustrating and heart wrenching to witness, I can only imagine what his thoughts are when he is "in his right mind" which is not often now a days, but none the less he knows what is going on and it must be horrible. I will cherish every memory he has that he makes alive in the "now" and I will engage with him as if that is where we are at that very moment, no matter what or where his thoughts take him, I will be there with him for the ride. I will never alow any one to disengage with him, or disrespect him, or make him feel less dignafied. He will live each day of the rest of his life with respect, love, dignity, values and every ounce of pride he had 20 years ago. Once again thank you for sharing your story and I truly hope others take every word you said to heart and go with it, it will be one of the greatest acts they can give to their love one during there last years.Kim
Bless you, Kim. I took a lot of abuse early on, from a psychiatrist, because my "behavior" wasn't what they wanted from me with my dad. Then, after about five years of doing what I knew was right for him (regardless), a different psychiatrist noticed all the "fake" degress on my dad's walls and all the business cards and things and asked where I "learned" this. I said it was all that made sense to me, as his daughter. I didn't let the scoldings from the first doctor deter me, and I can see you will hang in no matter what, as well.
Aren't those rare moments when they suddenly come out of the dementia for a few seconds priceless? One day my dad - my real dad - looked up at me and said "My universe has gotten so small." Then he was back - lost in his world. I choke up even as I write this. It's so painful that they know. It would be easier if they didn't know.
Hang in, Kim, and keep in touch. We all need you.Carol
evilgalblues
Jul 3, 2008 Suggest Removal
When my Grandma was dying she used to believe there were lots of people in the room and refuse to do things like change clothes, go to the bathroom, or go to bed. Others would try to tell her they werent there and she would just get so confused. I took it upon myself to be the "hostess" and would ask her who she was uncomfortable with and I would go to where she pointed and ask them to leave. Luckily for me they always did! Sometimes I just had to tap my glass and make an announcement to ask them to leave. Thank God, it worked every time, I would have been stuck if I had unruly guests! Nurses thought I was a bit nutty but it was so much easier on my grandma and isnt that the point?
Woohoo! Let the nurses think you're nutty. You were a genius. Congratulations. You made Grandma feel comfortable and understood. How wonderful is that?Carol
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