Caring for Yourself While Coping with a Demented Parent

Carol, the unrealized grieving for the loss of what might have been in the caregiver's life is a serious issue. We choose to do what we need to for our loved ones, but in doing so we also choose not to do what we might have for ourselves or our remaining families. For example, many caregivers choose to stay home and take care of a LO instead of going back to work to help with the family finances and prepare for retirement. Or we care for an elderly LO while there are still young children at home who usually need more of our time and attention. Others end up giving up hobbies and opportunities to grow and enrich themselves--not in frivolous areas, but in areas of real value. Many new empty-nesters end up filling that nest with caregiving for an aging parent who needs help. The joy of finally getting to that empty nest stage is replaced by the sobering realization that another season of caregiving has arrived.

Prioritizing the good/better/best choice for helping our loved one can often mean setting aside things that are good/better/best for our own lives. And thus grief and stress step in. We're doing what we chose to do, and gladly, but there is a personal cost.

Your thoughts on support groups and getting help are very important. Grieving for our personal loss, even for a season, is something that we need to recognize and acknowledge as something valuable that we chose to give up.

We wouldn't change the decision to be our loved one's caregiver, but we need help with the grief. It's a subtle thing.

I hope this makes sense. :-)

Blessings,
Joan
Caregiver at Home
http://www.CaregiverEncouragement.com/

my mom is in the "moderate"stage of alzheimers.she is still at home with my dad.
I know what carol is saying about grief.I already feel it and coming to terms with
the "long good bye".I feel we have already lost her in so many ways,her spirit,her interaction within a group of people,as her daughter,it's a different kind of lose,it's hard to explain but as I am now a wife and mother with little ones,I along with my brothers will assume the role of "parent" in the future.as time goes by,I may be able to express myself and feelings more clearly.

You both have eloquently expressed what most of us go through. I hear from many who thought they would retire and live a part of their lives as a couple, perhaps traveling, only to find themselves back into caregiving.

Yes, we make our choices out of love. But we have to take time to understand what we are giving up and to deal with that. Otherwise, we may be laying groundwork for deep resentment, and not even be aware of it. Talking it out with those who understand can do wonders.

Thanks so much for commenting.
Carol

6yrs ago,my mother in law passed away from cancer,it was horrible to watch her suffer,and just this past xmas eve,my father in law passed away of a stroke.
we were always there for my husbands parents.we have already discussed my involvement in the care of my mom.I live out of town,so I can't be there all the time,but my husband is so loving and caring and he knows that there will be times when I've got to be there for my parents.It is very important to have a wonderful spouse.As I mentioned before,I have two little ones,so I don't ever want to take away valuable time from them either.It is so difficult to watch your parents age and go thru tramatic life altering events such as alzheimers.

Andrea, you're right: having the support of a wonderful spouse is a blessing. His love and understanding will help get you through the tough times (as I'm yours helped him when his parents were ill)