There is another type of grief, something hospice professionals call anticipatory grief. This differs from what I call early grief (others may have a different term). Anticipatory grief is more like the grief one feels as the death of a loved one nears and we start to grieve what we know will be their loss. What will we do without them? How will we keep on living? We are looking ahead to the loss we know is coming.
The early grief I’m speaking about is far more subtle, and can be horribly damaging to our mental and physical health if we don’t address it. It creeps up on us as the small losses build – both those of our loved one and those of our own. For them it’s a loss of function and independence. For us it’s the loss of their independence, as well. Also, it’s the loss of time for ourselves, time for our jobs, even time for our children. It’s an insidious feeling, akin to – and often accompanied by – depression. It’s a kind of grief that we need to identify and perhaps get professional help with, or at least the help of a support group. For if we live for years with this unrecognized grief, as we witness loss after loss before the actual death occurs, we will kill off a part of ourselves. Our physical and mental health may suffer irreparably.
The well of grief is deep. We need to watch so we don’t drown under this sorrow before we even acknowledge it’s there. We need to be reminded that we caregivers, too, are suffering.
Yes, the grief before and after death is huge. But the subtle ache, as we watch the slow fading away of a loved one, is grief worth recognizing and bringing out into the open. Statistics say 30% (some indicate more) of the caregivers die while they are caring for a loved one. That is before the loved one dies. Early grief is part of this dynamic. We need to be a friend to ourselves and get help, before we become one of those statistics.
For over 20 years author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Because of this experience, Carol created a portable support group – the book “Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories. Her sites www.mindingourelders.com and www.mindingoureldersblogs.com include helpful links and agencies. Carol’s column, “Minding Our Elders,” runs weekly, she speaks at many caregiver workshops and conferences and has been interviewed by national radio, newspapers and magazines.