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Why “Role Reversal” and Other Catch Phrases Can Skew a Caregiver’s Thinking

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You had to take away the car keys. It was quite a battle, and he’s still mad. You have to remind her to use the bathroom often, or she’ll have an accident, and she’s embarrassed. You had to cut up the credit card that was being used aimlessly and often.  Are these people you are guiding your children or teenagers? No, they are your parents.

Does this mean you are now “parenting your parents?” Is this what they mean by “role reversal? Well, yes and no.

“Parenting your parents” and “role reversal” are phrases that are now in vogue. They make quick sound bites for interviews. They make great titles for books (I nearly named Minding Our Elders “Role Reversal,” but saw it was already being used too often. Fortunately, after much musing, I came to my senses.)

I have found that I have a real issue with these phrases. I understand the use, as people immediately “get” the meaning. Oh, your parents are in decline and you have to make their decisions and maybe even change their diapers. They nod. They sympathize. You have become your parents’ parent. You have switched roles with them. Or have you?

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DWYC said
Jan 26, 2008

You are so right. Thanks Carol.

floridagreeters said
Feb 7, 2008

Good Perspective. I have trouble with the terminology of role reversals also. I look forward to reading more about my evolving caregiver status. I also wish to hear from Males taking care of their Mother's who like in my case have never had children. Thanks!

Cheesecake said
Mar 15, 2010

amen! great thoughts! discovered very quickly about the "sense of loss" my mother must have felt when she first came to live with me 4 yrs ago with beginning stages of dementia and all the frustrations and anger (on both parts)-the flipping back and forth between being a "child" and being "an adult" (re. to her mental capabilities) and then her treating me as her "child" and then treating me as an adult----CRAZY!!!!

ashlynn said
Apr 21, 2010

Our Mother attends a day care type of center. We call it the Senior Center which makes her think she is going to a place to meet other Seniors and works out great. She has been attending almost 2 years now and has been a real blessing to us to be able to do our errands and help our other elderly family.

elizabeths said
Aug 7, 2010

Yes, a thousand times yes! It's so wonderful to hear you say this, and articulate it so powerfully. I have a huge emotional problem with the widespread assumption that my Dad is somehow now my child: my brilliant, sophisticated, scholarly world-traveler Dad. The caregivers at his assisted living do a wonderful job with physical care, but they address him as if he were a child, and often talk to me as if I were his mom. I am his child, his daughter, and I will love and revere him and my father forever.

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