Family & Relationships
Resentment towards siblings.
Give a Hug
I guess I'm not alone with this problem. I'm the one with all the responsibility for the well being of my parents. I too feel like an only child. I have a brother and sister-but their backs are turned and here I am. My husband has had to hear my venting - sooo I think I have found the perfect place !!! My Mom has MS and my Dad has some dementia going on. I recently was able to get them into an Assisted Living. (Had to do this alone-very hard on me). I am mad at my brother and sister for leaving this up to me. My sister lives far - but doesn't work. She came recently for a few days and left. She is like in the Bible: Has already recieved her reward. She makes sure to toot her horn always. My brother is worried about what he is going to get, rather than helping out. I don't want anything to do with them - never thought I would feel this way. I have become bitter. What hurts the most - my mom favors my sister over me.
Add Your Comment »
Give a Hug
Oct 2, 2012
Was hoping for some support hear. How does one cope day to day and stay positive when you have so much resentment for family members. I love my parents very much and will always be there to help -just never thought it would be me alone. If they did care- they wouldn't of left me hear standing.
Report this Post
Oct 3, 2012
Your brother and sister are greedy selfish people, in that I agree. BUT now you have to move on and do what is right, and forget it. I know that sounds incredibly simplistic and ridiculous, but honestly I don't see any other option. You're not going to get in their faces and tell them off right? And even if you did, they're GREEDY SELFISH people that don't care what you think, so let it go. Just concentrate on your own family please, especially your poor husband who you've probably bent his ear for a long time as he sat helplessly by. Your folks are safe and sound now in asst. living, so take a well deserved break. You and your husband go somewhere just the two of you and celebrate the fact that you don't have to be at their beck and call anymore, because they're being taken care of.♥
I understand your pain and frustration but this is a common problem for many of us. Being angry with your sibling will just make you sick while they will never lose a nights sleep over it. There is no need to try to make others do the right thing. For whatever reason many simply are selfish and expect you to be the the one to take full responsibility for your parents. Your parents are just blessed to have you love and care for them. But, please be glad you could do it, otherwise what would happen to them. And, I know you may not agree, but try not to make your parents feel worse than the do because they only have one good adult child they can depend. I am sure it hurts them so much to see you have to have all the responsibility in helping them. But, it is not fair to point out how bad your siblings are. It will only hurt your parents and make them feel guilty and confirm there other children do not care enough to help, when they loved each of you and gave you all the could.
I am in the same situation. I am the only daughter and the oldest and I have two younger brothers who expect me to take care of our mother. And to make it worse, she is not upset with them and expects me to be there. But, I cannot help how my brothers do nothing for our mother. I love them but I do not feel it is up to me to blame them and cause animosity in our family. They will have to answer for bit being good sons but, I will do all I can to help my mother not feel bad either. I will do the best I can for her and try to protect her from feeling my brothers don't care. I am not sure why they don't do more but I think they feel I am the girl and it is my responsibility.
I am disappointed with them. They could help our 90 year old mother in so many ways. I am disabled so I am not able to physically care for her but I do make sure she has a nice place to live and is comfortable. I have always helped mother financially while they took from her. But they are financially secure now and very seldom do they give her anything. But, I do not let them make me angry. I have too much to worry about to be in a family feud with them. I just pray if she really needs them and I cannot be there for her, they will be there for her. I would love for them to just.call het and check on her and visit occasionally since I am unable to do as much as I use to. She lives alone and has no friends, so she is lonely but I cannot help help her make friends or be a friend. She is very critical of others. So, I just do the best I can and am so blessed to still have so healthy and taking care of herself. I tried talking my mother into going in a nice Assisted Living" close to me but she does not want to go. When, I no longer have my husband to take me where I need to go and to help me, I hope I can move in there. I think it would serve my needs perfectly. Maybe mother will change her mind since she will not be able to drive or live alone much. Longer. I have seen her really slow down this year.
But, I hope you will heal yourself and let go of your hurt, anger and disappointments that your siblings will not help your parents. It is their loss and I am sure God will richly bless you for you love and faithfulness. To Honor Our Parents is so important to God. It is the only one of the Ten Commandments, where He promises us a special blessing of a long life if we will take care of our parents. You are not only a wonderful daughter, you are honoring and obeying God and you can expect to live longer by taking your responsibility of looking after your parents and being there, even if none of your other sibling will help. They will miss out on the blessings and not obeying God, will not give them the peace that God will give to you. So, we mush pray for all of our family members, especially those who do not treat us right. And when something happens to your parents, they will cry the loudest and may feel very guilty in the end.
You are a lovely lady with a beautiful spirit and I know your parents are very proud of all you have done for them. But, it seems people are not willing to sacrifice for others and how sad we do not have more love and respect for our own family. God bless and may God give you the peace that passes all understanding in the middle of your broken heart.
Momof2 Welcome to my world. I had no idea I would be the only one taking care of our Mother. Two siblings visit when they feel like it and think our home is a 24 hour public facility and I am the (unpaid) hired help. Got past the resentment after reading everything I could about the situation. Now I just feel sorry for them.
Basically some people are just not caregivers and some kids can't get past Mom being their Mommy and step up to do what needs to be done for their elderly Mother. If they are hateful and smart mouthed towards you it is because they feel guilty that you are doing it all. They know they should be helping but for whatever reason it just isn't going to happen. It is easier to take out their frustrations with themselves on the caregiver.
Perhaps you can get them to contribute money for daytime help once or twice a week so you can get out of the house. Good luck with that...we were told if I couldn't deal with Mom 24/7 then it was my problem not theirs. We are fortunate to be able to afford any and everything needed for Mom and for my sanity.
I know when the time comes they will be loudly crying and putting on quite the show. I have the satisfaction of knowing my husband and I gave Mom the very best of care for 2 years. No regrets or resentment here.
Good luck and God bless!
It is definitely Not Fair! momof2. Resentment is a natural reaction to something so blatantly wrong. But as the others have said, simmering resentment does not get your selfish siblings to change. It does not punish them. They don't care about it at all. It only hurts you, and you don't deserve that!
Yours is the only behavior you can control. Take satisfaction that you are doing the right thing.
Oh Wow! Thank you everyone for your help and advise. I have felt sooo alone and was just about to explode to my sister. It helps so much to hear from people that know and are living with the same situation. Bless you all!!
Momof2... i feel for you. i am my 91yr old grandmothers caregiver and do EVERYTHING by myself for her along with raising a 5yr old. my gram has 4 children and none of them help. my father trys to help me when he can. i have a ton of anger and resentment towards my family... good luck i hope your siblings change.
Dec 22, 2012
Well after two years - I just exploded all over facebook at my sister. I'd had enough of her "heartbreak" over being stuck an extra day on vacation because of airline schedules - heartbreak over missing a party back here. I've said nothing for a couple years now - but when I commented "you want to talk about heartbreak???" and she responded with "what heartbreak?" - the dam burst and it was ugly. However I am free of it now. I know she has no love for our father and no respect for what my mother would have wanted in that regard because she died young and loved him very much. And although we've never had a problem - she doesn't care enough to ask even how I'm doing if she couldn't ask how he's doing. I'm letting it go now, I've not let her rewrite history and sealing it up and throwing it out to sea and today I just feel lighter. I have a long way to go with my dad and didn't need to be carrying around that burden but I also didn't need to be hanging back waiting to see if she would ever step up. I know it's sad and not much of a solution to anybody but sadly sometimes our siblings dont get the same message from our upbringing that we did. Mine said she didn't have the father that I had - we're 18 mos apart so I'm not sure how that worked. But it's all on her now. Good luck everybody dealing with your frustration - dementia/alzheimer's is an ugly ugly thing.
I have the exact problem, resentment toward my elderly mother. My sisters would gladly help, but my mother has decided I am the most convenient and available daughter to take care of her needs. Her inconsideration toward me has turned me from dutiful daughter to when it is convenient for me. Selfish individuals should be careful what they desire, it comes back to haunt them.
I should say I have the exact opposite problem.
Please stay on topic or start a new discussion.
Have a question? Just need to vent? Find answers and support from the real experts - other caregivers!
*Please answer 4 quick questions in this poll* Question #1: Should physician-assisted suicide be legal?
A unique situation, I think...
Comment 4 mins ago by ba8alou
Grossed Out? Need to Vent? Just caught Mom using my toothbrush to comb her hair!
Comment 6 mins ago by Dtflex
Is this condsidered elder abuse
Answered 12 mins ago by elljay
I've been charging mom rent. If she goes into a nursing home and on Medicaid can they make me pay that…
Answered 26 mins ago by purplesushi
Caregiving and the Highly Sensitive Personality
Comment 29 mins ago by AlwaysMyDuty
More From The Community »
Recent Caregiver Questions
To use this feature, you must be a member.
Just what a caregiver needs to make life a little easier.
Join AgingCare.com for FREE!
Access the Caregiver Forum
Answers and support from caregivers and elder care experts.
Receive Helpful Caregiving Information
Articles on providing care, senior health, financial and legal matters, and more.
Create Your Personal Account
Customize your experience to see what is important to you and your unique caregiving situation.
Already a Member?
Login to your account
Screen name or email address: