Follow
Share

I've don't remember ever wanting to be a mum. I'm turning 27, my husband is turning 30 this year and the pressure is on to pop one out. We just shrug these people off and say "We don't want kids. Didn't want them when we first met 8 years ago, still don't want them now" and try to change the topic, but people just don't understand that we mean it. H**l, we're saving up so he can a vasectomy for his 30th birthday. We're lucky that the family we're in contact with (our parents, my mum's sister and my husband's sister) don't give us pressure and totally support our decision, but his extended family is relentless.

The pressure seems to have gotten worse since caring for my grandmother. They don't realise that this is a full time job. She has dementia and she's violent. Even if we wanted kids, we wouldn't want to raise one around her because she's scary and abusive. Plus, the costs of caring for her mean we live on the poverty line. We live week to week and throwing a pregnancy then a kid into that mix would put us below the poverty line.

When I say I basically do everything a mum with a toddler does and I couldn't deal with a kid as well, I get told "It's not the same" because the generations are around the wrong way. I didn't realise that changing her diapers, feeding her, bathing her, clothing her, dealing with tantrums, stopping her from hurting the dogs and cats, having kids shows on TV all day cos they keep her happy/calm, being up 4-5 times a night because she's calling out, not allowing her off the toilet till she's done her business, cleaning up her mess, and having food thrown at me was totally different to being a parent because she's 85 instead of 3 and she didn't come from my body.

The only way I can see caring for my grandmother as different to being a parent is that I don't like my grandmother and generally, people actually like their kids. She was abusive to my mum and aunt till mum was 18, moved out of home and took her then 10 year old sister with her. My grandmother has always been a nasty piece of work and I'll never forgive her for what she put my mum and aunt through. I'm lucky that my mum broke that cycle of abuse and is still an amazing mum and woman, and I'll always be grateful for that. Mum was showing signs of depression and heading for a breakdown, so I took over as my grandmother's full time carer. I'm literally doing this for my mum, not my grandmother.

We always get comments like "Caring for her is practice for having kids" and "Don't you want her to have her great-grandchildren around her?" and the one I hate the most "Who will do what you do for her when you're her age?". I hate it so much because I can't help but think having a kid to look after you when you're old is a pretty crappy reason to have created a human being, plus I wouldn't want to force what I do on anyone.

I'm not looking for support or anything, I'm not wavering in the slightest about my decision to be childfree. I've been dealing with people telling me "You'll change your mind" or "Your body clock will kick in when you're near 30 and you'll want 10 of them" or "Every woman wants to be a mother, even if they say they don't, they secretly do" for over 2 decades and if anything I've become more childfree in that time. I was just curious if anyone else here got more pressure when they became a carer. It seems odd to me that people would see being a carer as "practice" or dismiss it because "it isn't the same" and wanted to know if it seems to be a common thought.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

40 Comments

Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
To Samara,
You better hope you have caregivers from a different faith from you! If they acted like you, you'd be left in the corner sitting in your dirty diapers because you are of a "different faith"! Additionally, I've seen so many people, especially Southern white Christians, spend more time in church than in science classes! That's helping to destroy our economy and our future! Why do you think we have doctors from elsewhere, that our kids' proficiency in math and science drops lower every year compared to those of so many other countries? The reason is that they value education more! Wake the hell up!!
(0)
Report
Samara, my dear mother had many caregivers from cultures other than her own before she died. Most were wonderful - none were terrible. My mother grew very fond of some. Of course mom was loving and accepting of others - your mileage may vary.
(1)
Report
Hello SlaterVixenCare,
When I read your comment I thought it made good sense and was not hurtful. My childhood was different from yours, and I am so sorry for what you've experienced. I have depression. I feel for you and hope you continue to heal for yourself. I've thought too of the restrictions that life unintendedly brings. I've never wanted kids, so I can't help you there. I tutor, and rescued animals, and other things that were good places for me to put my love. I thought about being a Big Sister, but that's not for me. Keep fighting the good fight to heal for YOU! That way I'll know I'm not the only one. It seems that I was in need of your help in my thinking. Thank you for writing here.
Best wishes!
(1)
Report
Cwillie, thanks for asking , that's not what I meant though. I'm saying, if you remain childless by choice, you are basically saving yourself and a future child a lot of stress. You know you have other plans, or it wouldn't be a wise idea or you're fine without one. If you chose to have a child and really didn't want one, it could open up a lot of negative possibilities. In the end the child suffers and they have to work hard to heal from that the rest of their lives.

This is based on my own experience and observations. When I just looked back at what I wrote, i just see how bitter I'm really feeling right now. Please don't take my words to much to heart. I'm just feeling very upset, and injusticed these days and just don't know what else to do with myself anymore.
(0)
Report
"it's best for people who are fully capable of love to have children, than those who struggle or are not."

Perhaps you didn't mean that statement the way it comes across to me, but are you seriously saying remaining childless by choice proves those individuals are incapable of providing a loving home?
(1)
Report
I actually wanted to adopt children and be married in my youngest years, (the dream, not the actually having children), and as I'm now 27 I'm now very concerned about whether my dream is even a reality anymore. I grew up with alot of psychological abuse and some physical abuse and then dealing with bullying in school years. It's really has me concerned. Having to take care of my parents and now trying to find a way for them to be placed, I've found I've often cried that that the damage that was done would ruin my chances of being a parents like I've dreamed for many years. I do well with children, and have helped a few around my age those years ago, I've also helped give perspective about how to care and understand children and couples themselves. But I wasn't blessed with a healthy relationship. This is apart of the therapy I've been participating in is in getting myself healed so I can atleast live, but I still shed a tear that the chances of me being a stable health father in future is looking extremely slim. I know I can be afford freedom of movement when i have money to travel and other things like that, but it was always a goal to SHARE my life.

Caregiving has taught me more than I ever wanted to know, surviving abuse has taught me more than I wanted to know, and that's eventually facing the truth that, I may not be able to live my dream life.

If you don't want children then there is really nothing wrong with that, so many children I being abused, mistreated, neglected and killed because they weren't wanted, it's best for people who are fully capable of love to have children, than those who struggle or are not.
(0)
Report
I find nothing odd in your choice and you should ignore people who tell you how you should or will feel. I am 62 years old and i never wanted children. I had a stepchild who was a dear. I saw him every weekend for the seven years i was married to his father. Despite the good experience, I still didn't want children. My biological clock never ticked. Taking care of my mother for the past 16 years has been a grueling task nothing like childcare. I would never want a child of mine to do this. I will simply have to arrange my own care in a way my mother never bothered. Not everyone wishes to be a parent. Child free people are not bad or selfish.
(2)
Report
I am more of a cat person.... if the cats become too annoying I can bring out the vacuum cleaner, which results with the cats hiding under the bed for a couple of hours.... too bad that doesn't work on children or our elders :P
(1)
Report
Aetain, I had to laugh when you said you dropped the baby. It's not funny, please excuse me, but it reminded me of a situation in my life one time. My, well to be polite, husband and I went out to one of his son's house to pick up a dog. To rescue him!! And his girlfriend's 2 yr old started walking toward me (by this time I had the dog in my arms and was totally living on him) and I think it must have shown on my face how much I didn't want him near me!! I started backing away to the point where I was trapped in a corner!! It was just too funny!! I also chose not to have children for many reasons. I have found that if I tell people " I just didn't get lucky like that) they have pity on me. And stop talking about it for the most part. Good for you for knowing yourself. BRAVO!!!
(1)
Report
Don't let anyone's comments or urging you to have a child change your mind or bother you. This is a decision you and your husband have made together. People perceive it as normal for married couples to have children, especially after they have been married for 5+years. The family may misunderstand the situation and may think on spouse has a desire for children the other doesn't. They will try to guilt the other one into changing their mind, for the other ones sake. In their mind they believe they are trying to help. You and your husband should talk to them and explain you are both mutual on this life decision and if you ever decide on having children they will be the first to know, but it unlikely and you would both appreciate it if they would lay off. I don't blame you, I'm the same way. Everyone I know has children and always ask when I'm going to have a few. I say never. I'm not married but have been with the same man for ten years. We are happy and content with life and that's all that matters. I have been told I'm a bad woman because I don't want kids. The fact that I will not bear children has nothing to do with my character. I would not get pregnant and abort a baby like some people and I will not have a child to pawn off because I work all the time or can't afford to take care of my children. I think it speaks a lot to my character that I am able to realize the life decisions I'm making and how it would affect the Child. People have kids because "it's the thing to do." Then they don't even know what to do when the child arrives and the child is never given the proper care to grow up and be normal and high functioning. Children require time, money, and 100% of your attention. I am happy living a long life with the man I am with and that is all. We travel all the time. We go places and stay for weeks at a time, you can't do that with kids. I will admit I am selfish, I care too much about my own happiness and I love life the way I am. I have never had an attachment to any baby. I like older kids about 4-7, but you can't just get a kid at the age you want. I do not have any desire to be a mother ever. I've never wanted to be pregnant. Even as a teenager when every girl in my school was getting knocked up I never thought about it happening to me. I had sex and did all the same things I was just responsible enough not to bring another life into my young life. When I grew up my first serious relationship was with a man whom wanted kids more than air and that was ultimately why we broke up. I never budged. Then I met my boyfriend now and we agree on everything especially not having children. We are so happy an focused on ourselves, it's amazing. We work hard and can spend out money on whatever we want, we even invest our money. We do everything that every other family does but our family is only 2. Be happy, this is the only life you will live, live it your way
(1)
Report
It was on the news recently that over 50% of children now are born to unwed mothers. I am on smart phone so can't cut & paste the link but it's totally true.
(0)
Report
I've never asked a car mechanic, a plumber or a doctor that I've had of whatever race what their faith was. I was more concerned about their competency than anything else.

For example, I had an endocrinologist who was from Nigeria and in another city until we got one here where I live. He is from Egypt. I never asked either one of them what their faith was for it really was not relevant to the help that I needed. The last one we had here several years ago was Caucasian and I have not idea what his faith was either, but he was a good doctor.
(0)
Report
Captain thanks for weighing in. To be truthful I can see how a lot of people are muttering that I'm some type or racist creep. But actually its not any different than being a strongly ethnically Italian, or Japanese, or Eskimo, or any other clearly identifiable ethnic group--if you do have any identity you would not! want that to be ignored blatantly in your most vulnerable years. I would not want any muslim caregivers at all, yet even now when I visit relatives/friends in facility, a goodly number of the female assistants are all decked out in headscarves and burkas, and the male assistants are from Somalia or someplace I would never visit. Its hard to imagine that I could be paying $8, 000 a month to have caregivers NOT of my own faith?! That is just more reason to stay healthy and maybe if I get a bad diagnosis, walk into the ocean and swallow a lot of seawater into my lungs.
(0)
Report
im rapidly realizing im becoming a senior citizen , been thinking about it quite a bit . im glad i have two sons . they are carbon copies of myself and an asset to the caucasian race . the cumulative knowledge thats been passed to them will hopefully be passed on .
if not for them id feel ( and be ) alone in this world right now .
no offense to those who are childless , but i too fear for our race .
white people mechanized and modernized this world . it isnt something to be ashamed of by any means .
(0)
Report
I have kids because I wanted to. I don't expect my kids to take care of me, and have bought LTC insurance which is unlimited and inc's to cover inflation. I do however expect society to continue to be civilized and have a healthy population--of all ages. Currently the demographics in US are completely in target to have Caucasian becoming the minority just at the time I become a senior, perhaps at my most vulnerable time of life, and unfortunatley I will be forced to receive "care" from the lowest rungs of non-Caucasians. If anybody thinks that sounds like how it should be for your most vulnerable years, please let me know how you accomplish feeling good about that? Already my kids have been asaaulted and bullied incessantly by non-Caucasians, the schools will do nothing and we are just expected to put up with it. Reverse discrimination is wrong, and especially wrong when involving minors and seniors.
(1)
Report
Aetain- You and your husband shouldn't have to be treated this way. Sure, some change their minds and some dont. Its your choice and there's nothing wrong with it! If you are happy thats what matters! And you described your situation how it is and your right, some do not understand the difference! I didnt for a while!

Being a mom I never wanted my kids to take care of me either, sure to come visit but thats it I already have it where I go to a NH. But like guestshopadmin son is high functioning autistic, my daughter is asbergers( in process diagnose and my son ,lets start with probably bipolar) I worry about my kids too and want a good job ( soon) to save for them as well. Even if no issues, I never had kids for them to take care of me, I wanted kids and to be a mom. Some peoples views vary for sure.

I wish you and yours the best and a wonderful life.

Saying that, isnt there anyway your grandma could go to a NH? Hugs
(0)
Report
why isn't your grandmother in the nursing home? it sounds like she is more than you can or should be expected to handle, btw we had problems having children and people asking us about it drove us nuts, finally my husband would say "i have a low sperm count" and look sad - shut everyone up fast - didn't ask again :)
(1)
Report
It's been said, it takes a village to raise a kid. It also takes a village to care for our seniors. Villages with no kids and no seniors and nobody with exceptional talents and needs, don't exist for very long. Interacting with ALL of life's variations is what makes life worth living. Be childless if you can't handle the responsibilities of children; be a senior and get ready to pay lotsa money to whomever is younger and willing to do caretaking (even if they are a radically different culture than yours).
(0)
Report
Just an additional note. As a parent of a high functioning autistic son, the idea that having a child to take care of you in your old age is a fallacy. My husband and I hope that we have set up enough of a support system to make sure our son is ok if something happens to us, and have NO expectation that he would be capable of managing our care later. We had him late in life and have no regrets in having him, but we only had the 1. As the incidence of autism and other developmental disorders rise, the argument of having kids as some sort of insurance in our age is laughable. Take care and make your own plans for long term care and develop relationships in your extended community. Nothing is guaranteed in this world:)
(2)
Report
I see every one who has posted responses here has decided against having children and agree it is a choice, but wanted to add into consideration, some countries such as US have negative population growth (except for immigrants). Japan has offered its citizens monetary bonuses to have more children (as long as tbeyre Japanese). All Caucasian populations are in negative growth. Worldwide only Central/South American, Asian, Indian and African countries are expanding. This is a concerning statistic for the US since it puts immense pressure on younger workers, with an increasing abundance of aged seniors beyond working capacity. If immigrants bring high skill levels, spend their monies in US, and are able to assimilate to the existing range of cultures and support our aged senior populations its not a problem. But it's an interesting question, what type of population we'll have in next 30-60 years. Caucasian people of all ages will be the new minority, Caucasian seniors will be especially at risk of losing their cultural identity. Asians, Mexicans, Indians and Blacks will be the majority by 2045. It will be an interesting time for whites.
(3)
Report
I know this is late, but I never wanted kids. Ever. Once in a while I would actually THINK about it (something I think a h*ll of a lot of people never do about the subject) but simply observing the reality of children, how they can alter (and destroy) their parent(s) life was a put off. All I needed to do was go to supermarkets, dept stores, etc to be further educated on the wisdom of not having children. Remarkably, I have hardly ever been 'bingoed' on my decision. I have virtually no family so I did not have breeder brained relatives egging me on.
If you really look at programming on television, movies, baby making is pushed as if it is a sacred duty. I think it is more economical: there are tons of industries poised to make lots of money off of people who have kids. This includes the welfare industries as well. I refuse to patronize them: I rather buy what I like, go to bed when I like, wake up when I like (within reason: I have to work). I have to say my mother has never ever bothered me on the subject.
It can be found, there is an out of print book by Ellen Peck called 'The Baby Trap' focusing on the advertisement pressure to breed. Interesting enlightening book. I was fortunate to read it back when it came out in the 70's. Very counter culture. Refusing to follow the lifescript is still counter cultural.
On my own observations, as birth control has become more reliable, safer and accessible, the pressure to breed has become almost hysterical in pitch. Just my two cents worth.
(1)
Report
I've never had the desire to be a mom. I think during my early forties I thought for a split second and got over it. Not everyone is ment to be a mom. I'm ok with my decision. My mom has commented. I just tell her I didn't want to expose children to her.
(0)
Report
jeannegibbs - I'm caring for my grandmother so my mother doesn't have to. Mum was her carer for 2 years and I saw she was showing signs of depression, so I moved into Mum's house with my husband (which was actually handy cos living here shaved 45 mins off his commute) and took over. My mum is a fantastic lady, she's my best friend and more like a sister to me despite a 38 year age gap. I'm forever grateful to her for not raising me like she was raised and that she broke the cycle of abuse that tends to happen when an abused child becomes a parent. That said, I don't feel I owe her. I'm doing this for mum because I want to make her life easier. She's had a hard life and she's in her 60s now. I wanna make her golden years as cruisy as I can.

Before you suggest putting her in a home, she's on a waiting list for a government home, but that list is 8 years long and we can't afford a private home. Mum and my aunt had my maternal grandfather in a private home because he was way too much for any of us to care for while waiting for a government home and that basically bankrupted them. So our only option is that I care for her.
(0)
Report
Back when I was married, I remembered my mother-in-law always asking about when we were going to have children. Finally I said to her "Mom, I hope you love us even if we don't have children" and that did the trick to stop the hinting around.

I was an only child so I had no siblings to practice being a "Mom" to.... nor did I do very much babysitting, didn't like the crying and tantrums. So when I did get married, it didn't matter to me if we were able to have children or not. Turned out I was unable to conceive. Did I miss not being pregnant and going through child birth? Not really.

My significant other has two grown children from his first marriage, and there are times he wished he and his ex-wife had chosen not to have children.
(1)
Report
Aetain - I'm 48 and my partner and I are childless by choice. My mother used to nag me about children and say she wondered what she ever did to make me not want children. I spared her that little laundry list and my therapy bills! In the past I've used humour with people when they continued to dig for info as why I didn't have or want children. I would say "for the same reason I don't want small pox...it's painful, and if you survive it scars you for life!" or "Thank you for your continued interest in my state of my uterus. At the moment my husband and I are still enjoying my tight vaginal muscles and firm breasts but if my husband ever changes his mind I'll send him right to you."...That usually stuns them into silence.

All sarcasm aside, you may need to be polite and direct. It sounds like they know they are getting to you and enjoy getting a rise out of you. If you need to comment, maybe you could say something like "I know you mean well and clearly you get a lot of joy from your children and you want that same joy for my husband and me. At the moment, children are not a priority for us. We may change our minds, we may not and we will have to live with the consequences of our decisions. I'm sure you have no intention of being hurtful but the repeated comments, regarding our decision, are making it more and more difficult to enjoy our times together. You've made your opinion very clear and I respect where you're coming from. I now ask that you respect ours."

No need to say you will stop attending family events. If they continue after you've made yourself clear then they are deliberately and intentionally trying to hurt you and make you feel "less than". Just look at them straight in the face, smile and say absolutely nothing. Awkward silences can be deliciously deafening!

Although I sometimes do wonder what will happen to me when and if I get to old age but I must say I've never regretted my decision. Stay strong and stay dignified in your approach.
(0)
Report
I have always been great at getting along with children. I can sing to infants, play peek-a-boo, until they're babbling back to me. I can go outside and play with the toddlers out in the yard just running with them. I can play "wrestling" to the those between age 2-5 on the floor or bed. Grown ups who don't know me are amazed that I can get down to the children's level and play with them - out in the sun. But I'm also a disciplinarian. So, a lot of parents learn that when their children spend time with me, they are quite well behaved when I'm around. I just use that "tone of voice" and the kids immediately calm down. My bro's girlfriend and another friend saw instantly the change of my little nieces and nephews when I'm around and just firmly tell them, "Enough!" They were amazed. Both asked me if I can babysit their nieces/nephews/grands. So, it makes it worse because people see how well I am with kids and vice versa, and say that I should have my own children because I will make a very good mother. And I tell them that I only like to "borrow" the kids. When I have enough of them or they get cranky, I just give them back to their parents.
(2)
Report
I have never wanted kids either, mainly from sexual and mental abuse as a kid (figured I had done my time with my legs in the air and don't plan on spending anymore time doing that)...worried that I would change my mind later but never did.

I DID dream of having a baby, a beautiful blonde blue eyed girl....and I was trying desperately to find someone to take her from me.

When breast cancer drugs put me into menopause at 48, I did feel some loss...but it was the loss of another life...a dream life of someone else. A person I could have been if things had been different. I was sad for a few days but never think about it now...now I am just relieved not to have periods anymore!
(1)
Report
My sister never wanted children, and neither did my brother - I was the "designated breeder" in the family (lol) and supplied the grandchildren. No one in our family ever pressured them to "pop one out" - they made it known years ago that they didn't plan on any, and if anyone didn't understand, tough cookies. I think you just need to have a response that settles it once & for all. Them: "just wait until you're 30 & you'll want 10" You: "When i'm 30 I plan on traveling the world on all the money we'll be saving from NOT having kids." Them: "Who will do for you what you do for her at your age?" You: "We'll be able to afford assisted living so we don't have to burden any family members." Have fun with it...they won't know what to do.
(1)
Report
Eyerishlass, you crack me up re the axe murderer comment as that is exactly how I have been made to feel by a lot of my extended family...all of whom are more of the mindset that we are put on this planet to procreate.... I got a huge chuckle out of that...
(1)
Report
I, like you, just never really saw myself as a Mom. I can't explain it, I just never saw that in my future. I am now 55, must admit I went through a little phase in my late forty's where I wondered whether I had made a mistake, but am so thankful I do not have them. I agree as well it is not a popular thing to admit in public that you do not want kids or maybe aren't all that crazy about them. It does seem to make people think you are some horrid dangerous sort. To me, it is called being a responsible person who knows what they want and do not want and so much better than folks who have them, didn't really want them, let them run wild and gripe privately about what a burden they are..

I used to tell my brother I didn't like kids when I WAS a kid. I was bullied a lot when I was younger and for some reason I just never wanted to have children and make no bones about it. I get a lot of "you poor soul" looks from aunts uncles, cousins...all of whom had tons of kids, they all seem happy enough and I am happy for them. That is just not what I wanted.

I am, also as oddly, very active in animal rescue, wildlife rescue, environmental issues and veterans rights and while all of that has had to take somewhat of a back seat while I am otherwise involved in caring for my Mama, I remain informed in my interests and do what I can via lobbying and writing letters, making phone calls, etc. so as not to lose touch with who I am.

I am different I guess. Kids were never a part of my dream...I applaud you for knowing what you want and sticking to your convictions.
(4)
Report
This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Start a Discussion
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter