Family & Relationships
Today was the last straw with my narcissistic…
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Today was a repeat performance after being at the doctor. She is SO ultra sensitive. All I did was tell her psychiatrist she is having memory problems...after she asked me, of course, and that she is depressed because she's in pain. I must of said some really mean mean things because did she ever dish out abuse today.
I know i'm not supposed to take anything she says personally BUT, am I supposed to take her abuse? She made me feel like the abuser....she accused me of what SHE was doing....She is SO paranoid...she twists everything I say to fit her idea that the doc and I were 'ganging up on her'.
I plan to look for a job. I can't take her S**T anymore, no matter how much I can try to forgive her or try to not take it personally...it HURTS LIKE HELL....my therapist keeps telling me it's not about me, it's all about her....but it's hard sometimes to believe it. :*(((
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Sep 12, 2013
Smitty, you have an absolute right to feel hurt, anger, and outrage, no matter that your mom has health issues. That surely doesn't make it right. If your mom has been that way your whole life, understand that's who and what she is, it will never change, and you will never, ever, no matter how much you might bleed for her, be quite good enough...nothing will satisfy. Everything will be wrong. That's not YOU. Do you not see that? That's HER. Why would you ever believe those words? I looked at it this way, my mom might not ever be satisfied with my efforts, but NORMAL people would be appreciative and grateful. Your mom isn't quite normal, is she? Why should YOU own it and feel like shit? If that professional doesn't get that your mom is an abuser by now, get another one because you've got a quack on your hands.
Just start agreeing with everything she says. Seriously. Yes, I'm lousy. Yes, this house is filthy. No, I don't do squat around here, and I'm not worth a damn. And on and on and on.... I mean, whatever. I know better. You know better. And that's really all you need to know to break the chains from your tormentor. And these types will show you just a little, teeny crumb of humanity once and awhile...just enough, just that tiny bit...to keep you right where your at though manipulation of your emotions. You want to do well for this suddenly 'nice' woman all of a sudden, you have that little spark of hope...it's a lie. Narcissists don't change. Ever. They take all that misery with them to the grave. You will never have what you need around these types of blood suckers. It's rough to acknowledge that, it hurts like hell, but there it is. Your mom would throw you to the wolves if it suited her without batting an eye, that's how much regard a narcissist has for others. Sad, but true... Accept what you can't ever change no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, no matter if you bleed yourself dry in the doing and giving... and move on... Don't accept what isn't yours to bear. Don't accept abuse as your due, illness or no illness. That's another lie. If it becomes too much, walk away and don't look back. Let someone else deal with your mother. Like a nice facility.
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YES!!!!! Narcissists belong in institutions -- their victims should get as far away as possible and not look back.
Thank you StandingAlone. I hate her for what she's done. All day today I've been in anguish over everything. I am so devastated. I feel crazy. I want to run away. I want to divorce her. It's insidious how she can be so nice and then all of a sudden, WACK, she becomes Jeckyl....Looking back, she lays it on SO thick...all the damn compliments....phoniness...that's all it is. I realized that I can't trust her anymore. HOW SAD.
I just bought a book on adult daughters of Narcissistic moms by McBride. I will no doubt devour it!!l LOL.
I am an only child and so many times wish I had siblings to say, 'yes, I know she's nuts, she did that to me too." But thank you for filling that role!
Several times in the past 2 weeks, I've wished she would just die already. I need a reason for this to be over....I plan on finding a job with an agency working for relatively NORMAL old people. LOL.
I'm truly grateful for the support on here, knowing we're not alone....
When mom gets like this, we tell her we are not going to take it and walk away. Tell her when you feel abused, establish your boundary and save your sanity. Walk out of the room, out of the house, hang up the phone, whatever it takes to get to your happy place. Tell her you'll be back when SHE can be more civil. Tell her to pout in her room and you don't put up with tantrums. Tell her not to play the guilt card, because you aren't buying in to her game.
Sep 13, 2013
I am seeing this personality quirk in my Uncle more and more. He can be generous and mostly displays an agreeable personality, but when he gives, he often "throws it up to you", especially if he is not getting his way, or you disagree with him on something. Not sure it's true narcissism, but he sure is an emotionally needy guy, and it can be really infuriating at times. And he likes to be part of everything you do, which I do not allow. Right now he is ticked off at me because I told him I was going to visit my Mom in the NH by myself on Sunday. He is actually insulted that I do not want to take him along this week. Well, I have spent the last 10 weeks of my life catering to him as he has been hospitalized 3 times and spent 4 weeks in rehab. I told him I would like (for a change) to see my Mom alone and be able to give her 100% of my attention, as I have been giving him for 10 weeks straight! Tough cookies for him. Yes, as Standing Alone said, I often feel that he would 'throw me to the wolves' or 'under the bus' if he stood to benefit from something at my expense. I wish that someone would appear and take him off my hands, but he has no one else and no one is knocking on the door to give me a break either! Many elders do become very self-centered as they age, but some have been that way all their lives. I realize they are becoming scared, insecure, suspicious and untrusting because they are worrying what is going to happen to them, and they actually cannot help it. It just does not make it any easier to deal with, but that knowledge is what makes us keep on dealing with it. You just have to stand up to them in all the ways the above caregivers have mentioned.
Smitty, I'm an old child myself. I was a wild animal growing up around my mom. I said this before, but I'll say it again...even as a kid I sensed a lot of danger around my mom. I thought she was a nut job even before I knew what that was. I spent my childhood hiding from her, or avoiding her presence. I rebelled at every single turn when she got really nasty. I think I was 7 when I told her to drop dead the first time. That earned me a hell of a beating, but I didn't care. What was one more beating? My mom would beat me in her rages, not necessarily because I had done any wrongs, but just because that's how she got her rage out... I know all about hate. Hate if too mild a word for what I felt for my mother. As I got older, and she would just spew verbal abuse, I felt nothing. I would look at her and think, 'Lord, what a miserable, pathetic human being to live only to hurt'. She just seemed ridiculous and pathetic to me. Her words weren't me, they didn't define me. But Lord, did her words ever define who SHE was. And I refused to own her bullshit. Simple as that.
When Alz took her personality, it took the demon in her with it, too. Thank God for small favors. Suddenly, she was no longer my tormentor, my abuser. She was simply a sad, old, frail human being that had nobody that gave a shit...except me. I felt the utmost pity for such a sad wreck of a human being. I did my best for her, because I could no more leave my mom in the cold to suffer alone than I could a starving puppy I found in the street.
Lose the hate. Forgive your mom, and she does need forgiveness. Forgive her for having a mental illness that turns people into monsters. She is a monster. My mom was a monster. Forgive her for it, be sad for her, and you, because of it, but don't hate anymore. You are not your mother. You are not defined by ugly words, you don't have to accept or own them... Let your MOM own those words, let them roll right off of you. People have to stop trying for something they can never, ever have with a narcissist. Love, warmth, acceptance from these people will never be yours. They will grind you to dust with their endless demands and feelings of entitlement, using emotions as a weapon to get what they desire out of the people around them...don't buy it. Narcissists are full of nothing but the fantasies in their own minds and lies. If you begin to accept and realize that, and know it for the FACT it really is, disengaging from them suddenly becomes a whole lot easier...
If someone demanded that you climb Everest and you knew you were in no way, shape or form, capable of doing so, that seems rather unreasonable doesn't it? An impossible demand. Would you do it anyway if that person insisted that you do it, dogged you to do it, insisted that climbing that mountain for them was the only way they'd EVER be happy and pleased? Would you climb everest at the risk to your own life, for no other reason than to please the person demanding it? No? Then why ever give in to a narcissists unreasonable demands and own them? You might as well be climbing everest trying to satisfy them.
Like I said, a narcissist will show you just a little glimmer of humanity, just a tiny, fleeting feeling of 'goodness' now and then...and it's all just a lie. It's no more than another mind game to keep you right there with them, to feel sorry for them, to pity them, so you'll keep on keepin' on when they pile on the guilt and demands. Just another narcissistic strategy. No, you can't trust them. Glad you figured that out. Nice in a narcissist is just another head game to get you into their clutches. Anytime my mom was 'nice', I wondered what the hell she wanted from me now... And sure enough it was always something... Let me tell her 'no', or that I couldn't do something on command...and the beast was back, spewing verbal abuse, or trying to assault me somehow... Yeah. Don't buy into the narcissistic lie. See it for what it is, and stay away from these toxic people as much as possible.. You can help your mom, but that doesn't mean you owe her every single breath you take... and if it means war to get some distance, then war it is. A narcissist will stop at nothing to keep you attached to them through manipulation, guilt, verbal abuse, you name it, it's all in their arsenal and they will fight like hell to keep their punching bags right next to them, where it's convenient.. Don't sweat it. Walk anyway, and let them shriek at the walls...
Orange, it's been my experience that a true narcissist doesn't do a damn thing out of the goodness of their hearts. If my mom did anything nice for me at all, I heard about it constantly. If you do something to be kind because that's who you are, there won't be any need to throw it up in someone's face time and again. You were nice. You feel good about helping someone, and that's the end of it. With a true narcissist, you will hear about their 'good deeds' again and again and again and again. I didn't want squat from my mom because I didn't feel like hearing about it till the end of time. It's like emotional blackmail. 'I did this for you, now you OWE me...' 'I was 'nice', how dare you exclude me...' Nothing but mind games. Blow it off, and blow your uncle off too, when he gets that way. If someone does something nice, truly nice, for you, all they want is your happiness and the satisfaction of being able to give and help. If they throw it up to you, they're after something entirely different...control. Don't buy into that crap. Just because you're taking care of the man doesn't mean you have to dance to his tune. Do what you please, knowing that you're doing this man a kindness, and if he sulks or gets pissy about decisions you make that make YOU happy, let him. Who cares? I wouldn't. You need distance at times, so grab it already, and your uncles bad moods about it be damned. Stay strong.
SA hit the nail on the head-do not give your power to her-just before Mom got sick while we were attending a wedding on the west coast she yelled really screeched at me about the ac -which I had told her nicely to let me know if she was too cold or too warm-after her tirade there was a light bulbs moment-I said to my self-that is not hurting me-her verbal abuse is not going to hurt-her words will no longer hurt me-I took my power back-a few days later after an outburst when I was trying to help her another outburst and I verbally gave it back-so go ahead and fall I don't care-. She beat the hell out of me when a child and was never nice to me-people had kids to do the work is how she thought-in today's world I would have been taken away from her-she lost her power-take your power back it feels good and the sky will not fall if you talk back to her-detatch from her as much as you can-for your own sanity-have a mantra to say over and over again-with the husband it was-I don't deserve this treatment-after about 100 times I said it I believed it-replace the hurt with affirmation-try it it works-any small baby step with empower you and right now you need to claim your own power girlfriend
Sep 15, 2013
What makes you think there are "Normal old people"? A person takes their behaviors with them when they age. So if they were ugly as a young person, they will be ugly (in the sense of how they treat others) as an elderly. What is "normal" anyway? No one can be abused unless they allow it to happen (of course this does not include children). Stop listening to her abuse, just walk away. Why are you allowing her to abuse you? Maybe you should be seeing the psychiatrist alone to talk about your issues.
Never wish Death on anybody especially your Mother. It just might come back and back fire on you. Nobody is totally happy in this world or complete. She has issues and the right facility might be the answer no more hurt to you and she might get the proper care she needs. if shes in the right place. Sounds like a mental issue . She needs the proper medication that might help her. People with metal issues theses places know how to treat her with the right medication if it don't work try another till one does that what I did to my mother I had to cause she is something like your Mother only except she has Dementia but not as bad. I'm not sure your mother does or not have Dementia. You can still go see her at the Nursing home or where ever you decide to place her and she would get the care she needs and you can get a break away form all the stress she is causing you and herself. Stress kills it just might get you. You only live once time to be happy. Good Luck to both!
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