So tired of hearing "Just say NO" from friend…
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It is so easy for people from the outside looking in to reply to your burnout or exhaustion with the typical "Just say NO". Or just make someone else help, or just make her do more for herself. I would love to be able to tell my MIL and her son's "No" I cannot do that, or "No" I need a night off and have it mean something. My MIL has end stage pancreatic cancer that is also now in her liver and spleen. She recently took what I expect to be the turn for the worse. I had Hospice bring in a hospital bed, put her on oxygen, and have increased her pain meds and Xanax (makes her easier to deal with). So over the past week, while trying to take care of work, my kids, my house, myself - I have received phone calls from my mother and my friends all getting on my case for not just saying "NO" and forcing my husband, his brothers and family to help more. Like I really need to be lectured by my support system for not trying? I have a SignUp Genius page and have for months, I cannot even get someone from his family to sign up to bring dinner over once a week let along cover for me when I need a night out. I beg and plead with my MIL's family to come over and visit so I can get a break, I use Facebook and Caringbridge to ask for help. But it doesn't change anything. I don't need MY small support group getting on the phone with me and accusing me of not doing enough. What - I am suppose to just leave my house and my MIL to fend for herself? I don't even want to take to anyone anymore because they all have their wonderful opinions on how I am doing it all wrong. I just don't know how to deal with anyone anymore. My MIL, my husband, his family, my friends and my family. It is only adding to the isolation I already feel.
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Give a Hug
Jan 28, 2013
What a miserable life for you right now; howver, Hospice should be offering to give you respite. Respite is just one of all the wonderful things they can provide. Call your nurse and ask for someone to help. You are a wonderful daughter-in-law and your MIL's family is blessed to have you. What will they do should you get ill?
Your husband and his family needs good swift kicks in the pants. What a sorry group you have for support. I know it is past just saying "NO" but you can tell them you aren't listening to them and do walk out of the house when someone is there! I pray if another situation like this comes up, you do not offer and do not allow your husband to put you in this position again.
Good luck and God bless!
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i ( had ) a friend who was forever blurting out poorly thought, judgemental crap at me. when you can learn to not even respond to ignorance you are getting there.. to respond invariably gives the impression that youre defending yourself. its like saying " blow it out your ass " without even moving your lips..
he he, " screams of no reply " ( aerosmith ) ..
I just don't understand how the few people I reach out to for support can be so judgemental. I know they love me, care about me and worry about me, but coming across in an attacking manner is not what I get on the phone for. I am going to talk to our hospice team today and set up some respite care. I was invited to a SuperBowl party and would love to go, but haven't found anyone to stay with my MIL (my husband will be on a 5 day golf trip in FL - how nice for him). Maybe respite can cover and I can actually enjoy seeing the big game. Thank you for that recommendation. I had almost forgotten they offered that.
Love the "blow it out your ass" idea. I think I might make this my motto for the week :)
Heck, I'm in the same boat. I get criticized all the time for visiting my mom every other day and doing the stuff that keeps her minimally happy. She will never be *happy* and I know that. I don't have it in me to just abandon her. It does make me one crabby person at times and I don't like that. Then I get crap for being crabby. It's an endless circle.
The fact of the matter is there is no one else but me. I'm it. I like capn's answer too. Blow it out your ass, works. I'd also be kicking hubby in the arsenal for a 5 day golf trip. Really? And you're taking care of HIS mother? Whatever that trip costs, I'd take an equal amount to hire respite care for YOU! Your life is just as valuable as anyone else, hubby included. Big hugs to get up the gumption to take care of you! It's not easy, I know.
5 day golf trip, really? I would definately line up hospice for respite, and then I would treat yourself to a spa day, or whatever would be a treat for you and help you relax. Do, and do not allow yourself to feel guilty about it.
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