Taking mom to a Nursing Home and the emotion that come with it.

Callalilly,

I totally understand about the parent-child dynamic. I constantly wonder why my parents can't treat me like an adult friend rather than a child. I moved in to their house to help them and work full time, and they want to know where I am going every time I leave the house and what time I will be back. My mom pouts if I skip Sunday School or church, and sometimes refuses to go if I don't - and then won't speak the rest of the day. To keep the peace, I go to Sunday School and church service every week. My dad gives me driving "tips" every time I take him somewhere ("there's a 4-way stop up ahead, you need to stop there"; no kidding, dad?).

I could go on and on. By the way, I am 60 years old.

Lilly, I can understand exactly how you are feeling. I put my mom in an ALF against her will and it was extremely hard on me and my sister for the first three months....We would talk everyday asking ourselves if we did the right thing, the guilt was horrible. I can't tell you how many times we were ready to take her out of the facility . She hated me for doing this to her and was absolutely miserable. She was mean and nasty to everyone which isn't really her nature...... Gradually she came to accept this as her home and is now very happy and has many, many new friends (that she thinks are old friends)....so there is light at the end of the tunnel......good luck.

thank you for your understanding and support. it helps so much to know we are not alone.

Lilly

I will be facing this same situation very soon. I totally understand the guilt and lack of cooperation from mom. I try to aleviate my guilt by reminding myself that I was the only who took care of her. She has lived relatively healthy because of the care I provide. Did anyone else step in to help? No, I have done my best and I bet you have too.

LILLY:

In my book nursing home-ing a parent is tantamount to betrayal, but it had to be done. She didn't meet you half way, and you did the best you could. It takes two to dance tango and she knows that.

When I put my mother in a senior citizen home here in the Bronx, I felt guilty. She tried to take over my house and children, insulted my female companions when I wasn't looking (I'm a widower), and take money from my wallet so she could hang around with her boozy, shiftless friends. We'd reach a compromise time and again, but she'd always breach it with the ubiquitous "Yo soy tu madre."

I visit her about every 3-4 months, and she still tries to make me feel guilty. I made her an offer she couldn't refuse: either stop the drama and the BS or I'll see her only once a year. She was "Mum." ... Get the hint?

-- ED

Well, I was fortunate that one of my sister was able to help me a lot, but because she lives with me I take the brunt of everything from her now. And I understand the guild of "yo soy tu madre." But I know that this move is not only for my peace of mind, but her well being as well. She didn't meet anything half way, even her medication. She would take what she wanted and questioned everything else; so this is the solution, for someone to be over her 24 hrs a day.

I think my guilt subsidses in moments, but I know deep down that this is the best thing.

Thank you for the support.

Lilly

I to will be thinking about a nursing home for my mother who lives with me and my husband. It is a hard decision to make and we are not to feel guilty, but I think as children of the eldery we always will worry. I send my prayers to you.