My mother died 4 years ago and I still feel guilty because I did not encourage her to go further with treatment. Doctors gave her 6-12 mo.

RCT:

Your mom wanted to be surrounded by her loved ones when her time came, and you did the right thing by bringing her home. I've said it before in this forum, and I'll say it again. There's nothing scarier for someone who knows his/her life is coming to an end than the thought of dying alone or surrounded by strangers -- which is pretty much the same thing.

You did everything you could and couldn't for your mother, and in retrospect perhaps there were a few things you could have done better. But there's no point in blaming yourself for not being perfect. Besides, your mother knew that you loved her deeply and that for 25 years there really wasn't anyone else you could count on. ... And she was grateful for every single thing you did to enhance the quality of her life. What matters now is how you're going to fill that void in a positive manner and begin the healing process.

Wherever your mom is now, she's smiling at you and her spirit will always be with you. And she definitely wants you to be happy and move forward.

I send you a big hug from NYC, and keep us posted.

-- ED

I am so sorry to hear of this tremendously heavy load of guilt.

You meniton a recent diagnosis with Bipolar Disorder. Which version?

What meds are you taking and how long have you been taking them?

Are your medications workig?

Are you seeing a therapist to help you with the bipolar and if so how often?

If you have a therapist, have you disgussed this guilt with your therapist? 4 years in an incredibly long time to be carrying this burden of guilt. This tells me that you have been long stuck in the grieving process. Google healthy and unhealthy grief to see more on this. The fact that your family has not been able to help you is a sign that you very likely need an objective 3 person to help you work through off all this mess. At this point, your grief sounds confiicted as seen in this extreme guilt.

I wilsh you well in this journey

After years of crappy therapy in my adult life (my really good therapist died many years ago), therapists that didn't or couldn't diagnose me was more depressing. I wrote a letter to President Obama. I know that sounds crazy. I felt suicidal. He sent in the "calvary". Next thing I knew, the local Crisis organization called.and I met them at a restaurant, where we went out to their van. They had someone with them that was for their protection, I guess, but I'm not violent. I never have liked medication (except for in the 60's...) but a few months later I finally went to a psychiatrist. It was at an office where I swore I would never go back to, but this time, ten years later, I found a psychiatrist I trusted as much as I could. She was great, she actually talked with me in our visits. She is from India originally, which I liked. She prescribed the only medication I have ever found to work, Lactimer (?). I am still on it. I cycle I guess, with pretty deep lows and my mania isn't so high. I did not lose my creativity. She has been awared psychiatrist of the year through some organization for 2008 and 2009. I am also in talk therapy with a very good therapist in the same office. I have commented and read some other comments on this site about hoarding, after I posted on this subject). I wish I could have found this site sooner. It helps so much realizing their are others out there like yourself. It was a mixed blessing finding I was bi-polar because for so long I was desperate to find out what was wrong with me. Then I found out, knew that it fit exactly, and had to realize this is not something that will be "fixed", but the management I think is really helping me turn the corner. Thank you for tour help.

Hi, your mothers doctors knew her situation was terminal that is why they gave her only 6-12 months and hospice was called in. Hospice is called in to help the patient be comfortable and die with dignity as much as possible. They do not give medications to prolong life but to make the life that is left as comfortable as possible. Most of us caregivers are not medically trained we only know what the professionals tell us and advise us. When my dad was bed ridden from strokes hospice told me that he, my dad, would let me know when he no longer wanted food. That means that death is at the most a couple of weeks away. My dad would lock his teeth together but I would still get that spoon full of food in. I thought maybe he doesn't realize what he is doing and if he doesn't eat he dies. I didn't want his death to be because I starved him to death. I made hospice come in and witness this so they could tell me to stop feeding him and it not be my call. He passed a couple of days latter. My point being that we can only do so much for our dying loved one and just know that you fulfilled your mothers wishes. If I have to feel guilty about anything it is the fact that I didn't stand up to my mother when she insisted that I grind up meat and vegetables for him when what he really wanted was pie. He always loved pie. When I am dying and on my death bed please somebody GIVE ME PIE. Death comes to all of us and I hope you come to this reality and know you did the best you could do at the time. We are all trying. God bless you all

Thank you all for your sharing. I would jump up and get her whatever she wanted. Inevitably she would throw it up. I ran to the store to get her coffee a few days before she passed. I was scared to death she wouldn't like it but she really did. She ate mostly watermelon that I fed her. She would squeeze it in her mouth and then stick the pulp out on her tongue for me to take. However, ninety nine percent of the time she would ask me for something and I would go into the kitchen immediately to fix it and when I returned just a minute or a few minutes later she wouldn't want it. There was a type of medication that supposedly costs like $500 or so that was supposed to stop nausea and throwing up but the hospice wouldn't order it. They had me putting some sort of patches on her inner arm for nausea. I put plastic over them thinking that would make her arm retain heat and the medicine would be absorbed faster.I don't think I got anytthing right much. I want pie too when I go. And between dying in a nursing home or at home under some idiots care (me), well, you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Dear Mr Crowemagnum, I am taking lamictal and see the shrink about every 2 weeks. The lamictal helps a lot. My shrink received psychiatrist of the year for 2008 and 2009 through some professional organization.

you cant feel guilty, its so not your fault God called her home. it sounds like you made her last days as good as anybody could, she knows..

I totally! totally! understand. I lost the only thing that I've ever loved. My mother died on Decembe 17, 2010. It was the worst day of my life. I don't know what to do. I feel like quitting my job, giving up my career, and going into hiding. I'm guilt-ridden because I feel like I didn't do enough. The day that hospice came out to evaluate her as a possible candidate, was the day that she died. I live in another state, but traveled back and forth to be with her. Please be thankful that you have a husband. I have no children, no husband, and no one to call my own. I miss my mother terribly. My soul is hurt. I don't know you. But, be thankful that your loving husband is there for you. Be encouraged!