Mom: 95 & won't eat or drink; recently broke ribs but is now OK. She just wants to sleep. Care givers want to let her decide. I am the son..

I can only tell you from my experience. My brother & sisters had to make a decision on whether to keep my mom going (with machines) and it was hard, but we knew that she wouldn't want to live that way--so we let her pass peacefully and gracefully. As graceful as you can.

My m-i-l lives with us. I am Primary Caregiver for her. Yes, there are times when she is lucid and we can hold a decent conversation with her, but there are other times when she doesn't know which end is up. It hurts me to see that she is in pain and God/Jesus won't take her. She is a loving woman, but she is just a shell of her former self. She used to cross school kids (school crossing guard). I just don't see how He can let her suffer. She has a DNR with Comfort Care. I just hope she goes peacefully in her sleep, but her heart is strong.

From what you've said, it sounds like this is where the care directives would kick in, which presumably reflect what your Mom would want at this time. I would talk to her doctors and nurses about the situation.

Do you have an advanced directive?

If not, can you see if she can be fed and still be left to sleep and rest? I'm sure there's a way to get nutrition in her.

bless your heart and we know how hard this is for you and our thoughts and prayers are with you at this very trying time in both of your lives.

lovbob

Wow - at 95 it's hard to know what to do. I respect the care givers willingness to leave her alone; it's a hard thing to do when you know what will happen if she continues to refuse. My father in law did the same thing so we accepted that he wanted to pass. We and the nursing home did all we could to keep him comfortable and made him feel loved. They watched him closely and called us to stay with him. Between 6 of us we kept vigil for 4 days so he would not be alone. We read to him, watched TV and chatted together so he could hear our voices.

If your Mom wishes to sleep there could be a physical reason other than depression. My Mom, age 89, also wants to sleep a lot; when it' s time to go to meals and she comes along without complaint and eats what she wants. When we're with her and she doesn't like the food, I give her coffee, pie, cake - anything she wants as long as it's food and drink!

Jim: My friend, who is a nurse, always said that there is a big decline in health in one's 80s and 90s. I think that Western medicine is always looking for ways to extend physical life, but ignores emotional/spiritual well-being.

I say: follow your instincts. Your Mother may not "recover" but should be kept as safe, comfortable, and healthy as possible(are they trying to help her eat and drink...or just leaving her alone...sounds like a red flag). Does she get any mental stimulus? such as: other visitors, someone to read to her, music, anything else that she seems to enjoy. When our minds are not kept active - even for dementia patients - the decline is rapid and depression sets in.

Have you contacted hospice? Those folks are the biggest blessings on earth. They deal with this time in life in the most humane way possible and can give you insight on other end of life issues.

Everyone tells us to get all the POAs...unfortunately, they do not come with directions at times like these. I find myself seconding guessing every major medical decsion that I have to make for my mother. Good luck and follow your gut instincts...never lets me down!