I feel so sorry for people living without boundaries to protect themselves from people who are abusive and I once did.

When I was being abused I read one of Dr. Phils book that said among it is better to be alone than with someone who treats you badly and you teach others how to treat you and that I did not deserve to be treated that way-those things stuck in my head which helped me almost as much as the counsular who told me I was waiting for someone to rescue and a few weeks later I did rescue myself by saying I would not take the husband home from the nursing home and started the process of placement-of course it took I won't even tell you how many years of marriage to come to this point and how much it took-but it did help me that someone told me that others noticed how he treated me in public-I really thought no one noticed.

Austin I really admire you! and I sure glad you don't have to suffer like that anymore.

Well said, Crowemagnum! Amen to that!

anne- you took the words right out of my mouth- he is a wise man and I am glad he is in this with the rest of us it is amazing how much unwanted education we get from taking care of others who do nothing but treat us badly but God uses us for his purposes.

I did not start gaining this wisdom until 2002. Before that, I was a co-dependent mess.

Well better late than never. I certainly have learned a lot from you myself.

That is true! Thanks.

CROWE:

Most adults I've known who were regularly abused as children either found a way to accept it as if they were getting what they deserved or retaliated in self defense. The bottom line is that hurt people, in time, will hurt (others); often without being aware of it.

Self-preservation, our most basic instinct, has forced them to erect all sorts of walls around them and develop a myriad defense mechanisms. It's not unusual for them to be guarded, distanced, and seemingly anti-social. Boundaries, along with respect, privacy, peace, and balance are extremely important to them because it gives them a sense of control and makes them feel safer. Their personality is usually passive-aggressive and can, when cornered during heated and potentially violent situations, explode in ways no one ever thought they could. Some, rather than negotiate, walk away, or stop and check themselves will seek permanent solutions to stressful, tense situations so they won't feel threatened or get the short end of the stick again.

During those childhood years when I lived with my mother, Hell was other people -- including her. Though I still loved her, many times I wished she be struck by a bolt of lightning or that Satan would come in the middle of the night to take her home.

But there was divine intervention in the form of my father, who finally came to rescue me after a bitter divorce and taught me the importance of forgiveness to achieve inner peace and how to protect myself against human predators without getting homicidal. He also taught me that there's no excuse for not trying to be a better man, a better person, and a better human being. ... And to believe that anyone, no matter how despicable, can make long-lasting positive changes in their lives.

I think some people like my MIL is so hardened in her hatred for men because of something her brothers did to her, plus being in her 80's that she is beyond change. I don't think either my narcissitic mom at 78 nor my dependent perfectionist dad at 86 will change unless they choose to which is not likely.

After a while, ideas become attitudes, which become personality traits, which become part of our character and becomes our destiny by the choices we have made.

For example, Borderline Personality Disorder is a learned psycho/social disease that is very tough to treat because it takes a lot of hard work on the part of the person to chose a new and healthier way of responding to other people. Folks wrongly think that life will knock some sense in their heads by itself, but it does not for rational thought is not for the most part there, instead it is the law of the jungle reacting to life by impulse which may or may not have anything to do with the present moment. Combining sociology with a few courses I took in criminology and social work in college plus some knowledge about BPD has led me to believe that many in the 'adult entertainment industry' are either people with borderline personality disorders, victims of overt incest or the victims of covert incest. Wow, I have gotten way off topic. Excuse me. Just take this as part of my venting tonight.

I do remember learning in sociology that not every like child abuser was necessarily abused as a child themselves. From what I've learned in the last 12 years about Bordlerline Personality Disorders is most men with this are in prison or dead and most women with it who seem to be the majority flood our psych wards in hospitals. Also, the once held theory about borderlines coming from abusive famiies does not hold true.

I'm glad that you escaped the hell of your childhood! I'm seeing some hope here that several of us are escaping the hell of childhood still holding onto us in middle age or older.

Today has been a rather good day both here online, with my immediate family and in meeting with my therapist which I'm still reflecting upon for it was a powerful session.

I have also had to deal with family members with BPD and have learned to say "no" and define my space and boundaries. The hardest part for me has been to tolerate the AFTERMATH of my defining my boundaries. I have a right to say no, of course, and set my own priorities and space. But saying no to a person with BPD seems to inflame her with anger... that I would dare to say no to her. There are always consequences....to put pressure on me to give in. The person with BPD will typically make a counter-move and do things to try to get me to cave in and again be "subservient" to her and do what she wants. This is where things can start to escalate, as she turns up the heat on me, pressuring me to conform to her wishes. In short, I have had to learn to put up with making people angry at me, for having taken good care of myself. I have had to learn to tolerate knowing that my good name is being slandered behind my back, as a kind of revenge against me. It all sounds so ugly, I know, but this is the reality that many of us have to deal with.

The other thing I am noticing is that in our society at large, it is getting harder and harder to be able to say "no" to anybody without making them indignant or angry. If we can't say "no" and have our "no" respected, then where are we going as a society?? We need to respect one another's right to say no.

I do feel that our society is deperately in need of kindness. (That is why this website is so helpful and effective.) Too many personal attacks going on, and kindness is the only antidote.