Caring for elderly grandfather who was an abusive alcoholic with Parkinsons, Alzheimers, and Dementia.

he is demanding about everything. If you do not do what he wants that second he becomes belligerant. My mother has a chronic illness and I'm watching her detiorate from the stress of caring for him. He cares about no one but himself and this is the way it has always been. My mother tries to say its from his Parkinson or Alzheimers but how can that account for the over 40 years he has abused those around him?? Saying this is just her way to cope I think. I lost my grandmother and uncle within the past few years and it makes me so angry that they were taken away from us and he is here instead. I combat these feeling with my belief that they are in heaven while my grandfather must suffer here on Earth. But I'm really at he end of my rope. Please if anyone has anything to say, even just kind words please do. I need support very badly so. Thank you

Wow, just to let you know...that SUCKS major. You'll find a lot of caregivers here who are caring for abusive demanding parents (I am fortunate to have a calm mother to care for) and are at their wits end, are exhausted, etc.

Sometimes the best thing is just to admit that you are in over your head. This is my off the wall idea: have him arrested or brought in on a 51/50, danger to himself or others, for psych observation, then refuse to have him in your home again. Get a social worker on board perhaps to get this figured out. Knock some sense into your mother's head.

At the end of her career, a social worker friend of mine used to do workshops for the other social workers about fending off the physical and verbal abuse they were subjected to from troublesome cases. She said they felt like they had to TAKE this abuse. She said, "NO, it's ASSAULT you dimwits. Call the security guard and get help." Oh, you mean we can DO that?

So, that's just my take on it. Protect yourself and let him be a ward of the state. Perhaps do an official alcoholic/abuse addict intervention on him? Visit him in the facility when he's gone through the steps and is ready to apologize...as was said in that kewl movie "It's Complicated." Apologize for ALL of it (not just the "gotcha episode," the lives he's ruined with his behavior.

If he has hit your father, file a criminal complaint and have grandpa arrested for assault. If that episode won't get him arrested, keep eye out for next strike and be ready with the 911 call. The man should be a ward of the state, not be at home. A regular nursing home won't keep him. Sounds like special unit for that guy.

Stay strong. You aren't wrong to be upset and concerned. I would be too!

Somebody put him on Ativan, so I'd start with the doctor that prescribed that. Tell him/her what is going on and start asking some questions. I don't understand the lure of alcohol, when everyone is hurt by the person that is addicted to it. Your grandfather is a jerk, always has been always will be (unless he gets sober) so your mom needs to stop making excuses for him. I'm sorry for all of you though, that had to live with someone like that, but he needs to get out. Somewhere out there is a place that will take him and his lack of money. There must be 'elder services' in your state that can point you in the right direction. I wish I could be the encouraging voice you wanted to hear, but that's how I see it. And after a lifetime of putting up with his abuse, the family needs to start practicing some 'tough love' and move him out.

Remember the classic book "Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself"...very popular during the eighties when we had The Recovery Movement in the eighties, I think. An easy to read book that might knock some street smarts into the situation.

Mom was always loving and caring. She too has Parkinsons, dementia and also anxiety and depression. When she is not doing well, she shoves me, kicks me and slaps me. Part of this is from fear, part is not knowing what she is doing, and I believe part of it is just the real her that she held back all her life. It's not easy being a caregiver and your situation is probably one of the hardest to deal with. I would like to believe that your dad is finally acting out in fear because of his diseases in some small part, but I don't believe that you should have to deal with the abuse, especially after going through a lifetime of it. I at least can remember how Mom was, and tolerate her moods because I know that fear is a big part of why she does these things. I hope you can find a resolution to your problem, so that you can get on with your lives. Take care.

Wow, I guess I never thought of it that way but it is assault... That puts it in perspective. But what do we do with him if we move him out of the house? We can't have him move back into his house and start driving because he will begin hitting the bar again and when he drives he is putting others in danger. He has been sober since he was admitted to the hospital in Oct. But alcohol is still a constant argument in our house. He does not understand why we won't allow him to have his liscense. He has tried to have friends of his pick him up and when we confront him about it he denies having any problem just like he has done for the past 40 years. Whenever we go to restaurants he tries to order alcohol and we tell the server no then a huge argument starts. Lately he has been waking the whole house up at 3 in the morning when he goes to use the bathroom and makes a mess everywhere. The lack of sleep and stress has caused me to have Benign Fasciculation Syndrome which means my right arm twitches incessently. Well anyways I'm glad I can vent here. And thank you for the advice and kind words

And also he is a veteran but we have had a hard time pursuing any veterans benefits because the Army is saying that he retired a few days short for him to be eligible for benefits.

You do not put him back in his house, you have the system institutionalize him where ever they think appropriate. Ask your adult protective services agency (through your county) to take him off your hands. They will do a conservatorship on him, handle all his financial and personal affairs. You are not running a caregiving gig there, you are running a looney bin for the violent offender ward. If you get a 5150 on him, the police will take him away for a two day observation. While that is going on, get other things handled quickly.

Here is a description of the police code 5150
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/5150_(Involuntary_psychiatric_hold)

Really, perhaps go down to police station and ask for advice. Where Ilived on island, I had two elderly friends who were really severe bipolar. Helping them was like dropping into ToonTown. Those of us involved worked with the sheriff's dept to try to catch them (when they were on their wild and wooley manic cycle) doing a bonified 5150. They'd flatten tires of their cars, Once one of them bolted onto a busy street without looking, and that was enough.
Good luck. Get help to start UNcaregiving.

oh, usually these 5150 of my bipolar friends was enough to get them back on their meds.