Two years this July my mother has been living…
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MY MOTHER MOVED IN WITH ME WHEN MY OLDEST SISTER DIES WHO LIVED WITH HER. MY BROTHER DIED WHEN I WAS 9. MY MOTHER AND 2 SISTERS HAVE BEEN ADDICTED TO PAIN MEDS FOR YEARS. ONE SISTER COMITTED SUICIDE AND THE OTHER WHO LIVED WITH MOM DIED WHEN HER COLON DIED. HER BODY COULDNT EVEN PROCESS THE PAIN MEDS ANYMORE. YEARS AGO I MADE THE DECISION TO WALK AWAY AND WOULD ONLY HEAR FROM MOM WHEN THE OLDEST SISTER DRAINED HER ACCOUNTS . WHEN SHE DIED MY MOMS ACCOUNTWAS CHARGED 983 DOLLARS IN OVERDRAFT CHARGES ALONE. SO MY ONLY OPTION WAS TO MOVE HER IN. SHE WAS IN THE HOLE OVER 2000.00. MY HUSBAND AND I DISCUSSED IT. WE FELT THIS MAY BE A CHANCE TO FORM A FRIENDSHIP IF NOTHING ELSE. IT HAS BEEN A BATTLE SINCE AFTER THE FIRST 3 MONTHS. WHEN SHE ACCUSED MY DAUGHTERS FIANCE OF STEALING HER PAIN PILLS I TOOK CONTROL OF THEM. SHE IS FORCED TO GO TO A PAIN MANAGEMENT DR TO GET HER PAIN MEDS EVERY 3 MONTHS. SHE GOES IN MY ROOM SEARCHING FOR THEM WHILE WE WORK. SHE ACCUSES ME OF STEALING HER MONEY. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY MOMS MIND. JUST THIS MONTH ALONE SHE HAS SPENT 732.00 AT QVC. SHE HAS SPENT 1000'S WITH QVC SINCE SHES BEEN HERE. MOM HAS COPD AND HAS OXEGEN IN HER ROOM. IN COMES THE WORST OF THE ARGUMENT. SHE SMOKES A PACK A DAY IN HER BEDROOM AND OFTEN DOSENT TURN THE OXEGEN OFF. IM TERRIFIED SHE WILL CAUSE AN EXPLOSION AND KILL US WITH HER. WHEN I TAKE THE CIGS IT TURNS INTO A HORRIBLE ARGUMENT. MY MOTHER HAS TREATED HER GRANDCHILDREN SO HORRIBLY NONE HAVE BEEN TO MY HOME FOR 2 YEARS. SHE HAS A SISTER WHO WILL NOT EVEN ANSWER HER PHONE WHEN SHE CALLS. SHE ASKED A COUSIN IF SHE COULD MOVE IN AND WAS TOLD NO. SO SHE INFORMED ME THAT I WOULD HAVE TO HAVE A JUDGE REMOVE HER FROM MY HOME. I ACCEPTED YEARS AGO THAT MY MOM HAD NO USE FOR ME. AT 10 YEARS OLD SHE INFORMED ME THAT SHE COULDNT BELIEVE GOD TOOK JOHNNY INSTEAD OF ME. I HEARD THAT FOR YEARS. I WOULD CRY UNTILL I MATURED AND REALIZED SHE WAS THE ONE MESSED UP NOT ME. NOW I AM 50 YEARS OLD AND TAKING THE VERBAL ABUSE AGAIN. I HEAR ABOUT HOW FAT I AM AND DUMPY I AM. I BUY A NEW OUTFIT AND GET TOLD I LOOK REDICULOUS. I NEED SOME HELP TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO GET HER OUT OF HERE. I HAD TO GIVE HER THE PAIN MEDS BACK LAST WEEK BECAUSE SHE THREATENED TO QUIT TAKING HER OTHER MEDICINES AND SHE WOULD ACCUSE ME OF KEEPING THEM FROM HER. THIS IS JUST THE TIP OF THE ICEBERG. IVE BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR 28 YEARS TO A WONDERFUL MAN AND HAVE 2 BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS. WE OWN OUR OWN HOME. SHE HAS HER OWN ROOM WITH A BATH AND NEVER HAS ANYONE IN MY FAMILY NOT MADE HER FEEL THIS WASNT HER HOME TOO. WE FIX HER PLATE EVERY NIGHT, TAKE HER TO DR. APPTS, WASH HER CLOTHES, AND STILL SHE TREATS US THIS WAY. ANYONE WHO CAN PLEASE GUIDE ME IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION I WOULD BE SO GRATEFUL. I AM SO STRESSED. I CANT SLEEP, IVE GAINED 40 POUNDS AND IM TIRED EVERYDAY. HAVE A BLESSED DAY
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Apr 8, 2012
I have no information on how to get her out of your home, others will I am sure. But first let me say that you are one outstanding woman..... knowing what you knew and tried to help her anyway.....I just can't praise you enough... and yes, it's time for her to get out... how does she feel about going to a NH? Do you have POA nad MPOA? I know these things will help you to place her.... I am sorry I don't have more info, but I do have a ton of respect for you.... hugs.
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LADEE, I WOULDNT DARE HAVE POA. SHE OWES SO MANY PEOPLE MONEY AND SHE HASNT FILED TAXES IN YEARS. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE KIND WORDS. IVE FELT SO ALONE AND FEEL SUCH GUILT FOR WHAT THIS HAS PUT MY FAMILY THRU. MY HUSBAND IS AMAZING. I SHIELDED MY CHILDREN FROM MY MOM AND SISTERS THEIR WHOLE LIFE AND I FEEL LIKE IVE LET THEM DOWN.
Let me tell you how I see it. Two years ago when you discovered that your mom was $2000 overdrawn on her account you decided "MY ONLY OPTION WAS TO MOVE HER IN." That was not your only option then. I am sorry that you did not do the research to discover other options, because you are not responsible for your mother's financial well-being or her happiness. You hoped that the outcome would be friendship. I am very sorry but not surprised that it didn't work out that way.
I will give you a lot of credit for trying very hard to not enable your mother's pain pill addiction. But then this woman you are trying to help and from whom you want acceptance and love blackmailed you and you gave her pain pills.
I give you gold stars for good intentions, and for effort. You are remarkable.
But in spite of your very real sacrifices this is not working out. It is time now to explore those other options and to make a drastic change. Your birth mother (she doesn't sound much like a Mom) needs to move out. It is your house. You make the rules about who lives there and who doesn't. Good bye, mother.
Call Social Services in your county. Explain that your indigent mother has been living with you, that it is not working out, and you need her to move out. Ask for their help in explaining to your mother what else is available to her. After a social worker has explained options to your mother, give her a certain limited time to make arrangements and move out.
She informed you that you "WOULD HAVE TO HAVE A JUDGE REMOVE HER FROM MY HOME" Well, if that's what she wants, that can be arranged, If necessary police can forcibly remove her from the house when you evict her. Let us hope it doesn't come to that, but make sure she knows that you know it is your house and that she has no right to stay there if you do not permit it.
This all may sound harsh. You are facing a harsh reality. I don't think you are going to solve it by asking "Please, mother, I think you'd better move out."
You tried to do the right thing for your mother. Gold stars to you. Now do the right thing for yourself, your husband, and your children.
Best wishes to you. Please let us know what you try and how things are working out.
No Elisa, you have not let them down, but you have given them an oppurtunity to see how not to be in this world.... and you have shown them that you tried, that you made a choice to help, and you have shown them sometimes people refuse to be helped...there are wonderful long lasting lessons in this for your kids.... and it seems you are full of love and compassion, and that is what they will see and learn from.... and that there are truly ugly people in the world..... but you still give them a chance, until it causes more harm than good.... You are an awesome MOM... and never short change yourself for trying to do the right things for the right reasons..... But put her in a NH if at all possible... you do not have to subject yourself or your family to any more of this... You tried, that's all you can do.... Just try to use it as a teaching tool and no need to feel guilt, you are an awesome teacher for your children... God bless and I pray you find a solution quickly..... hugs to you...
What I meant by 'how not to be in this world', I was refering to your mom.... they will learn that who and what she is in no way to be in the world...
Apr 9, 2012
Dear jeannegibbs, wow! Thanks so much for the wake up call. You are so right. This is my home. I let my husband read your reply. He just started laughing and asked if I was feeling as empowered as he was. So here I sit waiting for the phone call to be told exactly where to go. Over the years I've called crimes against seniors to get my sister removed from my moms home. She violated her parole and I actually found her for the u.s marshals and she went back to prison. My husband and I have been labeled the clean up crew. The same woman who helped me is now looking for the best agency for me to go to quickly resolve this. She told me she wasn't surprised. How could I have thought this could possibly work? So as soon as I get the phone call I'm dressed and ready to walk out the door.
Elisa, I think when someone tries to help a family member or friend who is self-destructive, drug addicted, mean, hateful AND doesn't want help, that person is going to lose the battle. You may as well be banging your head against the wall for all the good it's going to do. Your heart was in the right place for sure, but there's no shame in waving the white flag and getting the heck out of this situation. You and your family are going to get flushed down the toilet if you don't, so I agree with Jeanne when it comes to getting her out of your house, do whatever you have to do. Good luck, and when the dust finally settles, take a vacation with your wonderful husband will ya? He deserves it.
well, I've got my phone call. And guess what? It seems my situation is not so rare. The information I need is being mailed out today. Then after looking over her options the social worker will come to my home and go over her options with her. He told me to take back the pain pills and dispense them to her as prescribed like I have done for the past two years. Then if she threatens to stop taking her medications again go straight to the court house and file a mental inquest warrant and have her hospitalized. And Nancy I will. I just called him and told him I put make up on today and he needs to take me to lunch. I have a 31 year old daughter who is visually and hearing impaired. She's off work tomorrow and she loves the zoo. So I'm taking her tomorrow and we' make a day of it. It's a start, right?
Oh, that is an excellent idea -- both the lunch and the zoo!
I am sooooo glad you found this forum if that is what it took to help you feel empowered.
So with a feeling of dread I went into moms room and told her information was being mailed for available places for her to live and then a social worker will come to go over her options. I wanted the drama over before the family gets home. No drama. She just laughed at me. I asked for the bottle of pain pills and she said good luck finding them. But that's ok. I will stay strong. Lunch was great! He's just the greatest. And Jeanne, I'm so glad I found this forum too. Your words empowered me. I know she's in there stewing. And I know she will probably come banging on my bedroom door again late tonight wanting to get an argument going. And that's ok too. I've found help. I'll just keep telling myself it'll be over soon. Then I'm going to work on me. Right now I feel broken, but I will heal and I will feel good about myself again.
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