Excerpt from Aging in America
About a year ago, I was asked to go visit a home to complete a fall prevention assessment. As is usually the case, the senior had already fallen a couple times and the family was quite interested in doing everything they could to prevent another fall. A warm, friendly woman greeted me at the door. She was full of humor and personality. She escorted me into their home and introduced me to her father. He was clearly quite ill. He was confined to a wheelchair and needed assistance to do everything: toileting, dressing, getting in and out of bed, etc. His daughter was mostly concerned with her ability to safely assist him with bathing and dressing.
What really struck me about this particular case was that this daughter was not only caring for her dying father, but also for her mother who had dementia. Her mother needed just as much care as her father, if not more. A diagnosis of dementia can be very challenging for a caregiver. I very quickly realized what this daughter had taken on. She was living with her parents full-time and tending to all their needs in an extraordinary way. It was just the three of them in the home. I wondered how she was juggling it all.
She explained that prior to moving in with her parents, she was living on her own on the other side of the country. She had graduated from a prestigious university and had worked hard on her career. She was enjoying much success. Her father, however, had been becoming more ill and her mother more confused. Her other siblings lived in the same state as her parents, but did not seem to have time. Every time her father or mother had a crisis, this devoted daughter dropped everything and flew in from out of state. Most times, she even beat her siblings to the hospital.
On one of her last trips to manage a health crisis with her parents, her father took her aside and asked her to take care of them. He was concerned, not only for himself but also for his confused wife whom he knew may very well outlive him. No one else was as dedicated as this daughter. He knew what he was asking her to give up and he knew he had very little to offer her. She said she didn't even give it a second thought. She sold her home, took a break from her successful career, and became a full-time caregiver.
Now her days are filled with bathroom trips, making meals, doctor visits, and giving medications. She is also managing the revolving door for all of us health workers who continue to visit their home in hopes of offering something helpful, some way to give her and her parents a higher quality of life, respect, and dignity.
I am sure I can't begin to realize the contrast between her life now and what it had been: business suits, lunches out with friends, vacations in beautiful places, and a good night's sleep. When I point this out to her, she smiles and reminds me that this time is very short and this is all she has left with them. As I was leaving after my last visit there, I looked back to see her parents sitting in "his and hers" matching recliner chairs in front of the television set. They were holding hands and singing, "Take Me Out to the Ball Game."