Book excerpt from "How to Keep Your Parents Safe and Sound and Out of a Nursing Home"
Chapter 5: “Tips on How To Talk With Your Parents About End of Life Issues and Finances”
Once you cross the road into taking active steps to providing protective oversight you are beginning a subtle grieving process. Your relationship with your parent will begin to change in subtle ways.
How you initially approach your parent to discuss sensitive matters is of the up most importance. Understand it may take several discussions before your parents are really comfortable discussing such topics as end of life or their financial situation. Remember, just because you are ready to hear what they have to say, does not mean they are ready to talk about such matters. Obviously, if you haven’t talked to them in years, opening up a conversation about wills, insurances and bank accounts is not going to be well received.
Feel them out. Most people find it easier to begin with medical matters and end of life topics than with financial matters. Plan and prepare for the conversation as best you can by picking a quiet place free from distractions and interruptions.
Some suggestions that others have used to start discussions about end of life include:
- Rent a movie concerning death and dying and watch it together. Starting the conversation will come naturally at the end of the movie.
- Start with talking about someone else’s death and then bring it around to them.
- Talk about someone’s recent admission to a nursing home or terminal diagnosis.
- Share an article or magazine story with them about the topic.
- Ask if anyone in the family has ever had cancer, Alzheimer’s disease and etc.
- Ask permission to talk about the topic with them.
- Consider inviting a spiritual advisor to accompany you.
- Explain that you wish to handle their affairs “the right way”.
- Express fear that you will be left “holding the bag” and you do not want to make decisions while in a state of shock and grief.
- Pick a time when everyone is together but make sure it is not a stressful time (holidays, wedding, birthdays, graduation and etc.).
- Solicit support from siblings before the meeting – stand together, present a united front if possible.
- Ask, “How would you like your choices for end of life honored?”
- Ask, ‘Were you involved in handling your parents’ affairs?” “How did you do it?”
- “I want your final wishes upheld and honored.”
- “Help me!!!”
Ultimately you want to not only learn about their end of life wishes, but you need to encourage them to put those wishes into writing and designate who is to have authority to make decisions when they are no longer able to do so.