Who’s Telling the Truth: The Elder with Dementia or the Caregiver

I loved this blog, Carol. I can relate to some of it myself. I know how important a belonging can be. I know how frustrating it is when it is not where I expect it to be. My husband will sometimes get my phone out of my purse or get my gameboy to recharge them (since I cannot remember to do it.) Whenever I go to use either of these things and they are not where they should be, I panic. "What could I have done with them? Where could I have left them? How will I ever find them?" Never do I think, 'Oh, Bill must have taken it to be recharged..." No, I never remember to think that! I know how good it feels to where a special piece

My Mom started accusing me of stealing from her bank accounts when I started taking care of her, after my Dad Passed away. She would tell EVERYONE I was stealing. I was turned into Adult Protective services! Of course, I was not guilty, she just was not getting the same retirement money she got when Dad was living. I had to make a budget for her to show her excatly what her bills are and what her income is. And update and explain her checkbook often. I still have the budget on hand so she can see it all in black and white. Adult Protective services dropped the case, but still might check up. Thanks MOM.:) (Jokingly)

Denise, I came close to where you went! I was accused, as well, when my mother got everything she wanted. It's so scary. You know you are innocent, but with people protecting vulnerable elders (as they should), sometimes you are guilty until proven innocent. That's why I advise people repeatedly to keep good records. That helps immensely.

Take care,
Carol

Leah - How wonderful to find you here! Folks, Leah is a gifted writer, and she has the insight of having vascular dementia and what it's like to live with this. You will love her posts, and they will help you understand another side of these events. Leah is one of the bravest and most helpful people I've ever known. She was - and is - a terrific educator.

Carol

This is so common among people with dementia! We have a woman right now at the assisted living place where I work that is telling other residents that her mothers ring has been stolen among other prized possessions. In actuality the son took these things home to keep them safe and she can't remember that. But I have also known of cases where things are actually stolen. It is devastating to a family to find out the heirloom ring that was to be handed down to the granddaughter is gone when the resident passes. I despise theft of any kind from vulnerable elders. The only thing the facilities can do is to do the background checks and be vigilant about following up when someone says something was stolen, dementia or not. Find out if that family member took that ring home for sure. And family needs to keep on eye on valuables, even getting a separate safe to put them in or take them home for safe keeping. There is no easy answer.

You're right about no easy answer, as the elder often doesn't want to give up the jewelry. My mother-in-law had a lovely diamond set, and I didn't even notice when it was gone, but somewhere it disappeared. I don't know if one of her kids took it home, or if it got lost or stolen, but I was asked about it, when she died. I'd forgotten she had it on when she went to the nursing home. It was a natural part of her. Her kids didn't visit often, so some employee may have thought she didn't have any family, even though I was there every day. But she lost weight, and the rings could have simply gotten lost.

Elders lose so many rights, that it's hard to say to someone, "Now that you are in a facility, you need to leave your rings in a safe place." They aren't likely to go for that. Yet, things do get stolen. It's a very difficult quandry. Like so many areas of elder care - there are no easy answers, and there is no one-size-fits-all solution.
Carol

Yes, this is a dilema- however in my case with my mother (whose was in a nursing home), I didn't beleieve her when she told me they were mean to her and stealing things. i thought she was just trying to make me feel bad and i believed the staff when they put the blame on my mother. However, after 15 months my mother got a new roommate and that roommate told me they were mean to her. i pulled my mother out of that nursing home immediately and took care of her in my home. my mother died a year later- my biggest regret is that i didn't believe her and that i didn't rescue her sooner.

That is exactly the problem. There's no easy way to know. Don't blame yourself - you did what felt right at the time, and your thoughts were totally plausible.
I over-reacted once in a nursing home setting and got a guy in trouble when it was my dad's dementia talking. This CNA was an angel anyway, and what he did for my mother, after my dad died, was wonderful. It's just so hard to tell.

However, when in doubt, we need to do what we can to investigate. Visiting at odd times sometimes can help. It's good your mom had a roommate to tattle. It almost sounds as if they targeted your mom, or the roommate would have complained about her own treatment. That's really odd.

Good for you for taking action.
Carol

Today my mom called and said 6 sweather were stolen from her room. She thinks it was the cleaning lady. We had a similiar problem last year. It turns out her medication at the time was depleteing her sodium level. She had been fine for almost a year

I'm glad you found out it was the medication. It could be she needs an adjustment again, or it could be the worsening of symptoms. Whatever it is, my heart goes out to you. I've been there.
Carol