Should Mom Be Living Alone?

so, basically, the adult child trapped in their parents' home is out of luck, then? basically a slave trapped until the parent passes? god, i wish i had known that before i moved in. i wish i was dead.

Please do not entertain such thoughts. There are solutions! There are alternatives. You are not trapped, but hurting. And I hurt for you reading about your stress level. Senior services abound. Keep calling and asking until you find one that's right for your specific situation. It may take awhile, but there's lots to choose from. Have a "friend" come to visit, who can evaluate your parent, and validate you. There are visiting doctors and nurses, and social services available. Being dead won't help your suffering parent who needs you to stay strong. Help is available. If I could give you a hug right now, I would. And take you to lunch. There is hope even in our darkest hours and the deepest valleys. This too, will pass, and the sun will shine again. There's legal things you can do, too. I have court-appointed Guardianship and Conservatorship. I felt like "Chicken Little" standing before a judge asking for "permission" to help my parents. I made my best case with the help of a Physician, and took over everything. Legally. It's not the best case scenario, but the only way to go for us.

There are also free legal services available for seniors. I contacted a Senior Center in my city, and they backed me up and offered me resources and counsel. Document everything you see, and everything that's going on in the home. I even tape record my parent's conversations, "just in case," because sometimes that's all I have to "prove" my point, as it can often be their word against mine. Tough love. We are supposed to serve others. Some days are harder than others. Hang in there and seek professional guidance. Guard your heart, and know someone is praying for you.

I felt like "Chicken Little" standing before a judge asking for "permission" to help my parents. I made my best case with the help of a Physician, and took over everything. Legally. It's not the best case scenario, but the only way to go for us. Anne

Good advice. Sounds like you've been through a lot of trauma yourself. One question: Did they parents have to be present when the Judge heard your case or was a written statement from the doctor enough?

Dear Baffled, I felt like that (baffled), but had to learn a lot. Yes, they stood before the judge, too. My sister commented that it was like sheep before a slaughter (she's so melodramatic). I don't think they understood what was going on, because of dementia and Alzheimer's. Before hand, a Guardian ad Litem came to their house to discuss what was about to happen, what to expect, and their concerns. I don't think they understood that part of it, either. The person filing the petition about the upcoming court case has to serve all interested parties. In my case, that meant giving my parents a notice in person and mailing it to my sibling. That gives legal notice of the upcoming court hearing, but no one knew what to expect at that time, including me. I was so scared, hence "Chicken Little." I expected a fight from my sister and parents, but everything went smoothly. Then I attended a class at the court to learn about what they expected from me. That is still overwhelming, and I'm still learning. It is the absolute hardest way to do things because they expect so much, and I have to do all the work or hire it done.

In Ontario, Canada it is different in that the lawyer, or the family physician or CCAC help with this process.

Be sure you check with them. If you have Power of Attorney the lawyer can enact this. Lawyers have a 10-item check list to declare a person incompetent.

Physicians can give dementia tests, and they underuse this tool.

I agree with you JenJilks. It is always good to get help. I was trying to save my parents money, and one lawyer (we contacted several) told me I didn't have to hire one). And he didn't charge me anything to tell me that! Power of Attorney is good, unless that parent gets mad at you and "takes is back." The parents have to be cooperative for this to work. Not all want someone taking charge of their lives, but some need it. My parents had already been given dementia tests, and that is a very important step. I didn't draw my own conclusions, but sought professional guidance through the whole process

My husband's mother was incredibly cooperative and wanted him to handle EVERYTHING. what a difference. My mother had delirium, as did dad. My mother refused all help.

My friend would jump when his dad phoned at all hours, blood everywhere from leukemia. Refused help. The clean up after he passed over was horrible.

The thing is, is to refuse to provide help, as I did, until they admit they have a problem. Kinda 'Tough Love'. My dad cooperated, mom was in denial.

Absolutely, Anne. I didn't get enough help and I paid through my mental and physical health ending up depressed and on Rx.

what does "refused help" mean? not sure if you mean the sick man refused help or his son refused to help. sounds like the man called his son asking for help, so he was not refusing help, but asking for it.

don't know if this applies in that specific case, but in general, and in my opinion:

it is the childrens' responsibility to care for their parents. no one said it would be easy or convenient or fun. i'm in favor of familial support laws and i think they should be enforced automatically without anyone having to sue to start it. like child protection laws, neglect should bring an instant response and severe penalties, both criminal and financial.

of course the situation is different with parents. it is more difficult to force them to accept the help they need. or is it not so much the help they need, but the help the children are willing to give? rather than quitting a job and taking care of a parent, many choose to take care of themselves instead and then complain when the parent has problems.

they come from a different generation when multiple generations were expected to live in the same home together and take care of each other as needed. failure to care for your parents and extended family was considered shamefull and disgraceful behavior. they still expect that now, and reasonably so. think how much money you could save by combining households. you would have one home for everyone, probably paid for. we would have none of the foreclosure and backruptcy issues that are plaguing americans now.

These are basic human life patterns: you are raised by your parents, you have children, you care for your parents, then your children take care of you. all other things (jobs, houses, fun, convenience, cars, boats, vacations, etc.) are totally irrelevant. These things are the candy after dinner, not the whole meal. With the lessons we are teaching our children now, how many of us will be well-cared for in our old age? very few, i think.

And just so no one says i don't know what i'm talking about... I care for my 91 year old mother with no assistance whatsoever. my older brother and sister have chosen to pursue their own lives and totally disregard all responsibility to their mother. My nephew lives just a few miles away, but visits on Christmas, some years. I gave up a well-paid professional career, all forms of insurance, financial stability, a decent car, medical care for myself, etc., etc., etc. Five years ago I could have literally gone anywhere in the world and lived my life any way I pleased. But my mother needed help.

She was having increasing difficulty taking care of basic needs and had fallen several times. Like most, she had no long-term care insurance and insufficient savings to pay for decent care. The only alternative was a welfare nursing home. We both consider that to be a fate worse than death. It's just a place to warehouse people until they die (usually quickly), while extracting as much profit as possible for as little care as legally permissible. for me there was only one choice, so i sold my home and most of what i owned and moved in with mom. within two years she was totally disabled. the job has become more than i had bargained for, but honor and decency will not allow me to shirk my responsibilities.

for me, it's a simple matter of right and wrong. to put my own desires above my mother's needs would be despicable and wrong. to do what is needed is right. I prefer right. what do we have in this life but our own sense of right and wrong? if we can't get that right, then what good are we? I will miss her when she passes, but i will carry no regrets or guilt.

Well said, and I applaud your honorable intentions. You already have your reward. As has been said, doing right is it's own reward. A