Sharpen Your People Skills and Become a Better Caregiver

This link is wonderful! I appreciated the above "rules" for getting along with others. Sometimes I get so focused on caretaking that I forget that the person being cared for needs to be the real focus. The "button pushing" is a concern for my mother and me. She has some dementia but is somewhat able to take care of herself and I have retired and moved in with her (which she was happy about). After a month and a half, our relationship has deteriorated a bit. I feel some of the issues from my childhood creeping back into awareness and, since she's 89 years old, I have no expectations of Mom changing her ways, so I'm left to try to attain better mental health in a hurry. I have a counseling session scheduled for next week, but in the meantime, if anyone out there has advice or stories to share, I'd really appreciate not feeling so alone. (My sisters are supportive of both Mom and me, but both live far away and have a lot on their plates as well, so having them come for a weekend is not possible.) Thanks for any replies.

I think that the natural tendency for a family member is to want to be close in proximity to the person they are caring for, so our first thought is to move in with them or have them move in with us. My advice to someone who is considering this big change is to give it a trial run for several months with the idea that if things do not work out another placement is called for.
As you mentioned in your post, old family issues come creeping back in without even realizing it. It is just too hard to divorce yourself from being a daughter in order to become the caregiver...that's why professionals handle it better...they have that built in "distance."
I would love to go back to being the daughter who used to go shopping with my Mom all day long or had long talks about anything but bowel movements :o) But I can only deal with the reality of today.
I think counseling is a great idea. You need an impartial voice. The one thing that we all have in common here is that sense of losing our "bearings." So a sounding board is a good idea.
Remember, that choices we make about how caregiving should be are not set in granite. We have to be flexible enough to see that adjustments need to be made for the health of both the caregiver and their charges.
good luck

Thank you, Lilliput. You sound experienced and so sane! The "set in stone" thing is a problem for me as I gave away belongings and have my house up for sale to scale down and "fit into" Mom's little house. Also, retirement has cut my income in half, limiting some choices there as well. My counseling appointment is this evening and I am hoping to gain some clarity. Thank you for your response. :)

One thing I have learned is that almost anything can be emotionally moved on from. My mother's favorite was my brother. I cared when I was younger but now? Not at all. Why? Because I am an adult and I don't need my mother to love me most. I am the one person responsible for all my choices, good or bad, from now on. You can't imagine how absolutely freeing it is to untie oneself from the emotional weights of childhood (or even young adulthood). It is so empowering!

Not only that, but it means I can approach all of my family without the negativity of childhood pain and disappointment. My past is over. The future is mine to mold. If I choose to right now give most of myself to caring for my mother then I am responsible for that choice and I need to find whatever aids (e.g., the monthly caregiver support group meeting at the VNA, getting my siblings to help out) - and fight for them if I must - I can.

Today at least, I am invincible.

All of these comments are helpful to me. My father is 80 and can care for himself, but since my mother's death, my sister and I have discovered that the man we knew was mainly molded by my mother. The man that is emerging is quite different and not so pleasant, and very confusing. We both have learned the calmness that is needed, along with trying to keep things positive and constructive. However, Dad is a master at re-writing history to fulfill his idea of what 'should' have happened to make sure any blame lands on someone else if there is an issue that arises. I find that I can intellectually maintain the idea of our individual choices and my own self-respect, but emotionally it has been a struggle to absorb the changes and realize my Dad is not the man I thought he was. I will be going to stay for a week soon, and given how poorly living under the same roof went at Christmas, I am honing my positive attitude while trying to get rid of the twisted stomach that sits inside too.

It is helpful to hear others dealing with their aging parents.

Quaterra's experience has been mine as well. My mom has become child-like in that she forgets things she just heard a couple of minutes ago as well as things she's known all her life. She can also be quarrelsome and I wonder if it's because she feels a certain ownership of her life slipping away with her memory and frail physical condition. The woman who cooked wonderful meals, entertained family and friends, danced the night away (ballroom and square), played cards, etc. is just plain gone -- a ghost of a memory. She was fussing about something in the kitchen yesterday and I took her in my arms and began "dancing" her around the room singing, "It's just the two of us . .." and she laughed out loud! She's easily distracted and wants to be pleasant -- all I need to do is consistently lead her to be able to do that. What doesn't work is reasoning with her or trying to prove logically why I'm correct. She also doesn't want to hear any corrections from me about her physical therapy exercises, so I have to find creative ways to "correct" her by example or asking very innocent questions while showing her how I thought the movement was supposed to be done. She (like the rest of us) just doesn't want to be "wrong."
Your dad is missing the wife he so heavily relied on and is maybe feeling less of a man since he "needs help" sometimes. And I can really relate to the "re-writing history" comment you made! Mom does that, too! Also, as I live with Mom, I'm learning that some of Dad's not-so-good traits were amplified by my mom's co-dependencies.

As PVCS indicated, we need to recognize that we are not the same people we were as children and our adult parents in their elder years are not the same people they were when we were growing up. We can be there for them without losing ourselves, or giving up our own lives. A sense of humor and respect for ourselves and our parents will get us through.

hey pcvs ~

i cannot thank you enough for articulating your thoughts on 'graduating' from previously cast family roles.

for three years i've f/t cared for and managed the affairs of both my folks. sadly i lost my dad to colon cancer december 2009; mom had two debilitating strokes in the months before his passing and now lives with me. it has been an incredible experience. rewarding, heartbreaking, exhausting, filled with love, excruciating... but i wouldn't trade one minute of any of it.

except, the sibling part. my brother also was the favored one. not only has he been awol for 99.99% of the last few years, he is also horrible to me. he's hostile, verbally abusive, forever circling for his inheritance, makes personal attacks, doesn't perform ANY of the tasks he took on, ie: folks taxes, bill paying... i of course pick up his dropped balls and get chastised for being incompetent... blah, blah. it gave me many sleepless nights/months of anxiety. but like you, i made a decision that what he does is really not my concern. i hold no anger toward my folks for their part in the family dynamics. i own my actions fully and stand on truth and reality, completely liberated from my past.

professionals: accountant, care managers, doctors, & therapists oversee and validate all that i am doing. i've learned dayan (wild goose) qigong at kaiser for stress reduction, and practice daily when my mom is sleeping.

"If we are facing in the right direction,all we have to do is keep on walking" -buddha

Breathe: I agree with the sib thing...the worst! Bad enough that we have to juggle all the issues of caregiving then we have to keep greedy, lazy sibs at bay. How a child can look the other way when their parents need help or, worse yet, take money and belongings from them is beyond me.
My sib just pretends not to hear when Mom needs something. Then other family (mostly me) have to pick up the slack. Then my favorite thing that he says: "I didn't know...I would have done that if someone asked me." My Mom is partially to blame too. She is just too intimidated by him to ask him to do anything. So it is left to me and my hub (he has done more for my Mom than her own son has.)
I also agree that you have to distance yourself from the "static." My sib and I have not had a decent adult conversation in years. If he doesn't want to do something, he starts a fight and walks off. The last time it happened was when Mom still lived in her home and needed some help after an accident. I took off from work and used my entire vacation to fly in and help her for two weeks. When I asked my sib if he could stay with her a few days (he lived in the same state) he blew up at me, told me to MYOB, and flew out the door. That day was a turning point for me. Family or not, no one has the right to talk to me that way. It is violent and it is abusive.
So that's were it stands now. If I have to communicate something to him it is through my Mom. He does not deserve my time nor my company. When I look back in time I see that Mom really drove a wedge between us and did not foster family closeness. Now she has to reap what she has sown.
Bottom line: You need to take care of yourself emotionally, spiritually, and physically. You are the only one who can guarantee your own happiness and, conversely, you cannot make anyone else happy.
That's my 2 cents... :o)

I sure wish I could send PCVC's recent post to my sister . But then again....she has not reached the point that she can graduate to those feelings.
I am the very primary caregiver for both of my parents. I moved them in with me. Its not perfect but it is....for now.....
My twin sister visits one hour a week. She lives 10 minutes from me.

Quaterra - My mom did the same things with my dad, she started to "blame" him for things that deep inside she felt guilty about - or needed to be in denial about. She could never accept that he was slower and didn't do what she wanted him to because of dementia - she could not let go of the idea that he was doing it to be mean to her and to spite her. After talking with her I would go to the house and see the things my dad had done around there to show his love for her, and I felt so so sad...because of mom's harsh judgments that he never loved her and was never a good husband seemed to be so wrong and seemed to take away her memories of the many years when things had been better between them. It is very sad when things fall apart, but maybe it is possible that your dad's current reactions that hurt your heart so much now are due to grief and guilt and maybe loss of some cognitive abilities too. It took me a while to not judge and be so angry with my mom, and to realize where it was coming from. While he was still alive, after she had put him in a nursing home, I would go see him and he always cared about mom and wanted to know how she was even after she stopped visiting, and I would explain to him him she was not getting around very well and bring pictures back and forth - it was the best I could do.