In the first instances, medical help is needed. Sometimes the complaining person will become much more pleasant once an infection is cleared up or some drug changes are made. If the person is developing dementia, there are now drugs that can help ward off the worst personality changes (in some people), for months or even years. Also, anti-anxiety medications and, for some people anti-psychotics, can make a difference. All avenues should be explored.
If you are a victim of parents who always abused you, you are now faced with some hard choices. You may be trying to "take the high road" and be a caregiver to your parents, even though they abused you as a child and still do. Sometimes, with counseling or other help, people can do this and do it well. Most of us want to love our parents and want love in return. Change can happen.
However, many people will never see their parents change. They still feel responsible for the elderly parents' care, but the abuse just doesn't stop. There are methods of detaching with love from the abusive parent when they act out, and sometimes, with counseling and help, people can learn these techniques and create an atmosphere where they can be a hands-on caregiver.
Sometimes help from social services will help families handle the challenges. Often, however, it's better for the adult child to care "from the outside." You may want to turn over guardianship to an agency that can handle the abusive elders' biggest needs, and manage what you can from a distance. It works rather like foster care, in that you would still see them when you can but the agency would handle the major decisions. If you are in this situation, you are not alone and you don't need to feel guilty. Getting counseling for yourself may help you handle anger and resentment from childhood issues – and even from events that happen now. But third party help with your parents may still be necessary simply because of the damage done.
You aren't alone with this messy dilemma. Just check out the forum at www.agingcare.com. You will find you have plenty of company.
Elder care author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack is an AgingCare.com contributing editor and moderator of the
AgingCare.com community
forum.
Read her full biography