Family History May Play a Role in Elder's Behavior

This article was very helpful to me, because I am caring for a parent who was abusive until she started with dementia. Now she is 93, living alone, and fighting the help I'm trying to provide, like bathing in particular. She sleeps in her clothes and won't change them for a week when the agency who bathes her comes in. I've been feeling somewhat angry at her lack of cooperation when she refuses the bath, and also refuses to change her clothes. Obviously this kind of behaviour is not unusual, and maybe now I can just try to relax a little.

My father is very abusive to the people that I love the most. He somehow knows that being horrible to them and saying horrible lies about them will hurt me. He had this power over me from a small child. he knew the buttons to push to cause me the most pain. Now he attacks my husband. I keep my son long clear of my father. We have hired someone to care for him until his money runs out. Then I do not know how I will handle it.
The irony is that he is as good as gold to the caregiver. She won't take a lick of guff. She'll tell him to behave himself and that his behavior is ugly and uncalled for. If we did that, he'd hurt us. She told us that she had an early appointment one day so she was a few hours late, and he was very concerned that she had abandoned him. How odd, that he chases off his family because we hired him help, and hates us with passion, but he knows he needs the caregiver and worries that she'll leave him. I guess he just hates the people who dared to ever love him, even through all of his abuse. Maybe he thinks he owes us something and resents it. This was a good article. Unfortunately, not everyone has income to spend on food and utilities, let alone outside help. We are lucky, he has enough money to last a couple of years, unfortunately he come from a long line of people that have lived into their hundreds-before modern medicine. sigh. I could be looking at another twenty years of this.

Your dad sounds like my mom. I guess all we can do is the best we can. My mother resents her caregivers, and when I woke her this morning when I brought groceries, she pretended she didn't know who I was. She is very manipulative. I guess we have to learn to detach. It's particularly hard when the parent has been abusive like yours and mine. I know I get anxious, and I get angry. I got out of town last weekend for two days and it was heavenly. My husband died, so I am on my own with this lady. At least you have family around you, and I'm sure your husband understands. Too bad your dad isn't nice to him. Don't you just wonder what goes through their minds? Thanks for responding.

You said it Carol - you are my hero!

I am so grateful for info like this..My husband says I need to know the difference between "kindness and "weakness" with his mom. My own mom died several years ago and was a sweet kind hearted women and I still miss her. but my mother in law? Ohh I shudder, she's always "testing" us and telling outragous stories (of our lack of care or taking her money)to neighbors and distant relatives whom she calls constantly ...
I know it's wrong but it doen't seem fair that my mom is gone and I get to care for a mean hateful mom...
and no she doesn't have dementia ... I wish I could blame it on that..

I just read a fascinating article over the weekend about spiritual practice and taking care of someone that you don't get along with. I've been feeling that my need to be continually available to my abusive mother has deterred me from my spiritual practice. What this article suggests is that taking care of someone who is hard to get along with or has been abusive IS our spiritual practice. That we learn to be patient, kind and understanding even though these people don't treat us well. We get to practice seeing how patient we can be.

my dad died six years ago. pretty much did everything for my mom. my sister died 25 yrs ago and my mom has never been the same. Since then my dad always did everything for her. So did her family doctor who perscribed every kind of narcotic to her. we did get her off of them but between the drugs and my dad taking care of everything for her we now have a 72 year old child. we are finanically taking care of everything for her and emotionally. but its not enough. not sure what to and I do not want to continue careing for her this way. any suggestions.

I really relate to your dilemna of your 72 year old child. My sister, who was a drug addict, committed suicide a year ago. She was mom's favorite. There were only 2 of us. My dad died over 20 years ago. So like you, I'm stuck taking care of this very negative woman, who won't even cooperate with her caregivers. What I did was get a local agency to come in to help. I have someone to bath her, clean her house, and be there on times when I need to go out of town. I'm going this week to my granddaughter's wedding and will be gone 5 days. The agency will come in every day and care for her. It costs a little money, but I write the checks out of her checkbook. Why don't you check your local Office on Aging and see what kind of support they can give you. It's made all the difference in the world to just have a break from time to time.

It helps me so much to come here and read your comments. Being around my Mom is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Yesterday was a doozie! It is this site that restores my feelings of sanity. I am again reminded that Mom's problems is her, and not me. But the way I feel around her makes me questions myself. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't come her to process everything, when the need arises. Thanks for your posts.

Thanks so much for your response. I have collected the local representative and the PA numbers for assistance. I will be checking into that information. Good luck, I will update you all with any information I can share that may be helpfull.