These same questions have been asked about mentally handicapped people for decades. Should they marry? Can they make such a decision when they are clearly not mentally capable of living a "normal" life, without assistance? Yet there are many happy couples living, with the help of social services, all over the country. Of course, they are generally younger, so it's easier for most people to accept.
What about Grandpa and Millie? Should they be allowed to marry? Should they live together as man and wife? Who decides whether both people in the relationship are cognitively able to consent to sex? Where do the rights of people with dementia end, when it comes to love? And what about the opinion of the families?
This will become one of the most widely debated topics in elder care, as elders continue spend more years in communal settings. I'm attending the Northern Plains Conference on Aging and Disability this fall. One of the discussions is about "elders and sexuality." I've never before encountered this in such a public forum.
Nurses and Certified Nursing Assistants have traditionally been trained how to handle the occasional randy elderly man who makes a pass as the CNA who is bathing him. That is nothing new. What is new is much more frequent and visible "elder love" in communal settings. Also, what is new is the recognition that elders have rights and one of those rights just might be sexual expression.
Along with the efforts being made, by forward-looking people, to raise issues concerning an elder's right to be treated as an individual, with dignity and respect, come new questions. One of these questions is how do communal facilities protect an elder's right to love and sexuality, without harming an unwilling partner or others who may witness the situation. Discussions in forums such as the one I will attend, as well as discussions among nursing home administrators, and even attorneys, will be leading to some new guidelines, I am sure.
Yet, for each unique situation, there will always be questions. Are these elders mentally capable of consent? Where do the rights of individuals stop, and the "comfort level" of the surrounding people (and families) take over? Expect these discussions to take time and decisions to be ever fluctuating, as these will not be easy lines to draw.
For over twenty years author, columnist and speaker Carol Bradley Bursack cared for a neighbor and six elderly family members. Because of this experience, Carol created a portable support group – the book "Minding Our Elders: Caregivers Share Their Personal Stories." Her sites, www.mindingourelders.com and www.mindingoureldersblogs.com include helpful links and agencies. Carol's newspaper column, "Minding Our Elders," runs weekly, she speaks at many caregiver workshops and conferences and has been interviewed by national radio, newspapers and magazines. She is the moderator of the AgingCare.com forum.