Dad died in my arms. I felt his spirit leave his demented body, where he'd been trapped for ten years. I felt I'd gotten my real dad back. However, how to handle Mom? Obviously, she had to know he died. I sat with her as the funeral home collected his body. I cleaned out his side of their room, the following day. She got a roommate. Yet, every day she had to be told that Dad had died. In her mind, he was back in his private room where he'd been so many years.
Again, part of this was denial. But part was memory. It was excruciating to have to tell her, daily, that Dad was dead. She had to experience the "shock" over and over. Eventually, however, she started to ask me, when I came in the morning to do her chores, "Is he really gone?"
I'd say, "Yes, he is." Then, she'd shake her head and say, "I can't believe it." Five months later, Mom died.
A reader on the AgingCare forum had a much more complicated situation. Her dad died while he was traveling in the United States. Her mother was used to his traveling, and with her dementia, her memory couldn't hold anything very long. The father died suddenly, while traveling here in the states, where they planned to be buried.
The dilemma? Should they take Mom on a flight that would upset her, so she could go to the funeral? Should they even tell her, as she was used to him being gone, and she would, like my mother, have to go through the pain of digesting his death, repeatedly. What was to be gained by putting her through this pain, when she was oblivious to what was happening?
They did tell her. I don't know all the details of how this complicated story unfolded. But the end result was the same. A spouse needs to be told of the death, no matter what. On some level, they will know, anyway. Just like someone who doesn't have dementia, they felt it would be healthy for mom to mourn the death of a spouse.