As Alzheimer's progresses, it destroys memory, brings on erratic behavior and robs personality. You find you are caring for a father who no longer recognizes you; a mother with whom you no longer share any emotional connection; or a loved one who doesn't appreciate, or even want your help. How do you keep going and loving someone who is a shell of the person you once knew?
Two experts who work with Alzheimer's patients and their families spoke with AgingCare.com about this dilemma.
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Cindy Laverty, a caregiver advocate, founder of The Care Company and The Cindy Laverty caregiving talk show – and a former caregiver herself--feels the most difficult part is letting go of the relationship you once shared with your parent. "The father who once provided strength and comfort is no longer able to do for you," she says. "Now, he needs your strength and comfort."
Ms. Laverty recommends that you allow yourself time to feel whatever emotions come your way. Giving yourself permission to grieve will help you go on, to continue caregiving with more purpose and clarity. "Feel the sadness, anger, unfairness and the frustration. Allow yourself time to grieve. Try to fully embrace the fact that you can do nothing to bring your loved one back."
Kenneth M. Sakauye, a geriatric psychiatrist at UT Medical Group in Memphis, Tenn., says while Alzheimer's changes personalities and relationships "that doesn't mean you stop loving"—though "you may have to dig a little deeper to find that love." On the toughest days, try to remember how your loved one once was. If there was once an affectionate bond, he says, it hasn't disappeared. "It's changing and growing," he says.
As an example of how relationships evolve, Dr. Sakauye cites a caregiver who spent her entire life seeking her mother's approval and affection. She felt her mother loved her sister more. Yet after her mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, she stopped playing favorites – and the daughter stopped caring about being the favorite. She simply enjoyed the time they had left together. It created a special bond that actually brought them closer than ever before.
No relationship remains the same forever. "As a parent, you loved your children differently when they were two than when they were 20," he points out. "It's the same as your parent ages."
Even in the most advanced cases of Alzheimer's, your loved one may have moments of clarity and recognition. They will be fleeting, but embrace, treasure and remember them. Your loved one is still there, and your love has not abandoned you.